Yesterday I was feeling really up and was all looking forward to volunteering at the Emmanuel dining room. Now its all sucked out of me. Im in disbelief that for the past week my enthusiasm was so up. I felt as if it would such a great honor to serve, but that feeling is gone, zilch, nada, zippo.

I think it started when I tried to share a meditation with Virginia. Virginia was trying her best to be supportive of my desire to host and lead a meditation for a local meditation group at our place. I was nervous but I went ahead. For the first minute all was OK, but shortly she was criticizing it, and I had to end it. I was hurt, a bit angry, and then controlled my temper. What I didnt realize was how badly I was hurt.

So Im pretty wounded. Im OK to just be, but Ive lost the wind in my sails. But with time things will get better. I need to process this lesson.

Anyway, Im feeling a bit nervous now. I was planning to lead a meditation in a about a week for a local meditation group and now Im not sure this is a good idea. If I cancel now I could bow out gracefully, if I wait till the last minute and change then Im more likely to look bad. So for now Im continuing and whatever happens allow it to happen and just be human about it all. Its all OK.

I did feel glimmers of that ecstatic feeling this morning. What was odd was that I felt inclined to stop referring to it as the Source. Its like theres too much ego with that name. So all I can say is I touched it. I call it, it.

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