So yesterday  I went to eat lunch in the city of Wilmington. I was looking for parking spots and I was fortunate to find one right next to the restaurant. I mean at this time with all this snow piled up on the sides of the road parking is very hard to find. Before I had found this prized parking spot I had noticed there were several open spots some 5 blocks before I go to this spot. I then found myself thinking why I didn’t park there. I mean I have complained that I often don’t have time to exercise and here I am intent on saving time by parking closer to my destination so that I don’t have to exercise. Think of the benefits of parking farther away from your destination. It was a clear sunny day and so I turned around and parked farther from the restaurant. It was nice.

On they walk back from the restaurant to the car, I started to drift back into the days when I couldn’t drive. I imagined I was at the age where maybe I wished I had a bike to get to where I wanted faster.

I am now a kid. I imagine what it would be like to drive. But alas I’m too young and can only walk. And as I walk I’m focused on walking carefully on the narrowly plowed sidewalks with occasional patches of slippery ice. Here I am walking along a good friend on our way home from the local store. When I walk I find myself daydreaming a lot. I don’t have much to do except maybe keep my room clean, study and do my homework. The day moves slowly when you walk. I don’t know what you mean by tax refunds, filing for medical reimbursements, keeping appointments, filing papers, having to know so much about computers, having to worry about so many different things. I just tag along with my parents when they go out or just pass the long long days with a good friend. You know we should build a snow fort when we get back home. That would be really cool.

Ah yes, what a wonderful gift it was to not be able to drive?!

And now back to the present. Here I am in front of my computer screen on a huge desk with papers or receipts I want to address. In my computer bag is a book I borrowed from somebody 6 months ago that I really wanted to read but keep getting mentally blocked up in being able to read. There’s a book I’ve been writing myself for several years that badly needs some editing that I’m blocked up in being able to read again. There are loads of medical submissions for reimbursement that in December I had all lined up, put in order, and prepared. Probably only about a couple hours of work in all but it’s just way too hard now, that I feel like at best I could write and rant for a couple of hours about the couple of hours of work I can’t seem to bring myself to do.

I’ve been so blocked in some area of my mind that it’s actually hard at times to listen to music. About 3 months ago a friend I keep in contact with by email had strongly recommended I listen to an album by Mathew Good Band. I remember being so eager to get the album. I was so excited, but then when I got the album and started to listen to it, I found my mind getting distracted and impatient that I just couldn’t absorb the music. It was like listening to music but forgetting what I had just listened to as I was listening to it. It was like audio Attention Deficit Disorder. I found that actually I was struggling to listen to almost any music. I completely lost interest to all my favorite songs loaded on my iPhone. I’d play a song and within 10 seconds I’d switch it off because I was too tired and busy to listen to it! My friend asked me a few weeks ago did I like the album and I could only tell him I was still trying to listen to it. And then a week ago I was waiting for someone at a local music school and I decided to listen to this Mathew Good Band album I’ve been struggling to listen to and then suddenly the songs started to stick. I was starting to enjoy and become fascinated by the lyrics of the songs. And after the songs were done some of them replayed in my head. The tunes were catching on and playing in my head. A block finally broke free that allowed me to start enjoying music. I can not say I’m unblocked. I’m just much more aware because of this experience with music that I am blocked somewhere.

And as to the Source. The connection is a bit more “blocked” I think I can always kind of getting in that area of euphoria but it’s definitely damped and I can get distracted and forget about the connection and in so lose that connection. And so this longish (but realistically 5 blocks is not that long of walk) walk on a cold but sunny winter day in the city of Wilmington allowed me a moment to witness the benefits for me being able to regress to doing things less efficient, less timely, less responsibly and less intelligently. Becoming willing to let responsibilities drop by the wayside. Being willing to “disappoint myself” in keeping up with tasks or accomplishments. Then being willing to let go of the reason to be disappointed.

It’s not better. It’s not worse. It just is. That is all. Just be.

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