I was able to start of my morning setting with that ecstatic sensation I call the Source. I wasn’t quite on point and so while it was nice it was a sensation that I could easily lose with a distracting thought. I’d say for the moment a lot of my ability to touch the Source are my memories. It’s like I play a recorder in my mind of those particularly special moments and the recording is able to recall a good part of those very nice physical and emotional sensations. Even as I’m writing this, my mind flashes back to those sensations and it feels so nice.
So right now I’m getting back into that state that I would feel encouraged to do things like volunteering my time at a local dining room. I am building back my gumption to start leading meditations again, after talking more about my experiences with Virginia. And I have renewed interest in working on my book.
Back in 2005, I had started my book: “Spirituality for Real: Beyond the Incense and Meditation.” I had then spent the next several years constantly rewriting and editing the manuscript. Still so far I have not published this book. My highlight so far has been getting an accomplished spirituality author Carolyn Myss to read my manuscript. I’d then sort of shelved my manuscript for about a year growing tired of constantly rewriting it.
Then tonight I went to a local writers group, mostly for socializing. I dusted off a copy of my manuscript and expected to just read a small well polished section. To my surprise as I was reading aloud I found my ears at times couldn’t understand the words that were coming out of my mouth. I started to stutter, stumble and edit my words on the fly. I started to think: “Wow, this stuff needs a lot of work” I started to feel a bit embarrassed. I handed a copy of this to Carolyn and to two other people! But with this embarrassment was also renewed energy and excitement in getting back to work on my book.
The other writing group members started to ask me more questions about what my book was about and got more and more intrigued. What stuck with me were comments that they really wanted to hear more about me, my story, more so than me conveying different concepts of spirituality. Suddenly, my insides were shaking and starting to go in knots. It’s sort of like that sensation when you’re deeply scared of confronting someone and you’re now making that initial confrontation and stumbling over your words, except here I was attentive in listening, not scared, someone else was confronting me and doing all the talking, and the words felt like they were coming from an old wise source being channeled through the mouth of the people speaking. The words struck a chord deep within me that made my insides wake up and listen to what my ears were hearing. The idea was impressed upon me that behind my book is an unwritten contract between me and the reader to promise to stick to telling my story and apply due diligence to not deviate from this contract. That idea gave me renewed spirit for me to follow, to guide how I plan to further work on my book.
In some ways this blog is part of that spirit. Behind this blog is a commitment that I have to you the reader to tell my story with the greatest of courage. The more I can reveal the truth, with less and less fear the more I will be rewarded with freedom and the better the content of this blog. In the end this is a testament of my worth.