So today I attended the Healing Journeys Meetup and was deeply moved on an energetic level. It was totally wierd and hard for me to describe. All I can say is that when I heard other peoples stories my mind was clicking away trying to probe the truth of the issues in each person and with each insight that emerged I found myself so eager to speak up, like an excited grade school student vigorously raising his hand to get the teacher’s attention (ooh ooh ooh call me!). But each time I shared my thoughts I felt like my foundation was coming apart.

First my hands got shakey. I was drinking water and had to start using 2 hands to steady my cup. I spoke up more of the truth I saw and then my stomach was starting to tremble. Each time I spoke up there was more insight, I didnt want to stop. I was so curious and fascinated that I think I could have talked for 3 hours. But each time I spoke up I got even shakier. The talk was starting to get real juicey for me, but I decided to quite and leave early because the strain in my stomach, the weakness in my body was about to overwhelm me.   I felt that if I stayed any longer I would inevitably open my mouth one more time and then collapse. I left with my stomach feeling like it had a huge gaping hole, like I had just done hundreds of situps, my stomach muscles were starting to spasm. My legs were weak.

The first insight came with the statement that “The path to Hell is paved with good intentions.”  Suddenly I had a strong disagreement with this statement.  I mean if you did accept that statement as true I would counter that the truth of those good intentions lies a level deeper.  There is an aspect about situations that implicitly serve ones purpose. So even though you do something with “good” intents and end up hurting someone, examine deeper if this outcome though has a benefit.  For example: “Oh I’m so sorry I really meant to get you a gift but something came up and I got too busy.”  So on the surface of the facts taken at face value yes you may have had that intent but I think it’s dancing around the truth which is more like:

“I feel like I should get you a gift to not look bad, but if it weren’t for the guilt I wouldn’t want to get you a gift.  But somehow I didn’t get you a gift as I though I should have and I feel guilty and am trying to ameliorate this guilty feeling (which is just me criticizing myself).  I really don’t want to get you a gift because I don’t feel like I’m poor, or I no one pays enough attention to me, or I’m angry with you about something that happened.  But I also don’t want to make things worse so I’m doing damage control of apologizing for not getting you a gift, which tends to work best for me because I will probably avoid getting you a gift and be able to numb my guilt till the next time I feel like I’m supposed to get you a gift.”

I’m much more of the belief that accidents do not happen.  So for me I’d say “The path to Hell is very predictable and the good intentions that have been paved for you are fronts for the true intent that even the actors are not consciously aware of”  Just as how a chronically ill person complains that they don’t want to be ill, but has benefits from being ill that no one wants to examine, most people do not want to see these “true” intents.

The next insight came as a result of comments on why your intents to achieve something fail.  It started to open up the discussion to “law of attraction” kinds of stuff.  Someone complained that despite all their best and hard fought intentions they are getting thwarted.  That person stressed how so angry he was that he was emotionally out of commission for a solid week.  Other people chimed in with the sort of “cop out” answer of well maybe it’s because the universe feels your intent and is finding a better path for you to satisfy your intent.  What I don’t like about it is that it’s based on the concept that the Universe is your “candy vending machine” and it’s there to serve your whims.  It always satisfies you, and if it doesn’t it’s just you incorrectly accessing this “candy machine” So you can fault the user for not visualizing or believing they will succeed in their intent.  Or you can fault the user by lacking the insight and patience to recognize that this infinitely more wise Universe is creating a better solution to meet your intent. My insight was that it was the anger itself that was the most important item and not the intent.  Everyone else was trying to focus on ways for this person to succeed in his intent by finding ways to diffuse his anger so that he could continue to be encouraged to try again and achieve his intent.  I saw that the intent was unimportant.  It was this persons anger and possible underlying hurt that was the most important thing in the Universe. So this person needs to address and examine the nature, size and characteristic of this hurt even if the Universe must make him fail at every single attempt to further this intent to do so.

A ancillary insight was that Anger is not to be avoided.  The idea was put out that getting frustrated and angry starts to take you out of being able to be meditative calm and present.  But I now saw that Anger, especially strong anger is something that needs to be fully felt.  Doing so is being genuinely Now and Present.   In anger over failed intentions its the anger and not the success of the intention that is important.

I also described the meditation I do in order to be Present.  I was surprised how others found what I described new to them.  So it further highlighted that stuff that I sometimes take for granted as everyday fluff really has some unique and substantial meat to it.

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