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So I had a brief experience while I was in the middle of exercising on an elliptical machine in the middle of a gym.  I was feeling kind of worn out, like someone whose been thru so much battle, sleep deprivation, terror, hardship.  I was slugging it out on a machine somewhat willing myself to continue with a routine to keep up my cardio-vascular wellness and try to possibly lose more weight for better health, but I was also trying my best to be kind to myself,

The gym plays music loudly over the loudspeakers and the beat is bumping along.  First I push along with the combination of handles and my feet.  Then I take my hand off the moving handles of the elliptical machine.  I somewhat subtilely wave my hands just a bit to the beat of the music, and I sort of almost slightly dance.  There’s an older man to my left on his elliptical machine moving at a much more frail pace and now I’m energized.  My elbow is feeling a bit week and sore.  My right knee feels a bit week yet I’m almost bopping to the beat.

And … I see myself …

and I take my breath away.

I see a joyful beautiful female energy but with grand depth of masculine.  Possibly like a joyful and strong Joan of Arch architype.

Wow.  Such a fighter.  But such an optimistic fighter.  Keeps coming back despite so so so so so so so so much hardship, terror, and exhaustion.  This tour de force of angelic brilliant optimistic steadfast beauty is a light so much more brilliant than even my so dear passed dog Muffin.  I mean Muffin was an energetic dynamo of positivity so that I had always saw her as the one who was picking me up from depression.  But for these few minutes on an elliptical machine I could see this brilliant powerful and grand light source was thousands of times stronger than that of Muffin’s.  Wow!  And I could then imagine that Muffin was so attracted to this light and she couldn’t help but get all excited and crave and lick and lick with her butterfly kisses endlessly. Could it be it was my light that was actually picking her up?!

This brilliant light beyond what I could have ever imagined … was me!  It was coming out of my heart.  And I don’t know really if I can describe how powerful this light was.  It’s not that it was the most intense physical light your eyes may see … although I guess it was quite bright.  It’s more if you let your heart feel just a bit you could sense the integrity, the depth, the truth, the experience of so many ages.  This light had  the solidity of having gone thru the journey of much tremendous hardship but had always kept coming back and to still yet come out bopping to music even while in the middle of a depressing bog.  I am chugging away on what could be a boring elliptical machine, and I’m listening often repeated recorded music.  Despite a stressful work week filled with exhausting challenges and despite the initial desire to sleep-in more rather than exercise, I manage to bop to the beat, bring some fun into it.

I could start to see the possibility of how there are so many others that when they encounter me see something special.  They see something way more special about me then I have been able to see.

I see that positive force of grandeur and beautiful person that I might have always wished I could have gotten a chance to hang out with.  But I’m not hanging out with that person.  I am that person!  And furthermore I am much more grand than I could have imagined that person could be.

And I could believe I could see that in all others.  But for this time the Sun within me is so big, grand and bright.  Come join me and bop away to the music. Left, Right, Left, Right.  One Two,  One Two, One Two.  Life can be very hard, terrifying and uncomfortable but still can you dare find space to have fun and Dance Dance Dance!

smallglowingheart

I think as I’ve become older I’ve felt more and more vulnerable to the fear of “being in trouble”.  I guess it’s because I’m a bit more frail physically, I’m more likely to be unemployed due to my age, and so I maybe feel the world less forgiving of any mistakes I may make.  I’ve acquired more and have more to lose.  I feel more exposed to deadlines of electing my medical insurance in time, disputing denied coverage, filing taxes, checking that I don’t have outstanding bills as a result of a credit card or banking snafu, checking that nothing fishy is happening with my life’s savings from identify theft,  making sure my car inspection is OK,  not letting my Project Management certification expire,  making sure I don’t forget some key governance step within the projects I manage for my employer.  There’s a sense within of me of “better not forget to do this or else..”  … Or else you’ll be in trouble,  or else you might be get in trouble with the authorities … or else you might forfeit …. or else you might die.

I recall various points in my life hearing about someone getting abruptly and quietly removed from the company I worked for due to some unethical activity.  When I was younger I just kind of thought:  “wow that was a bad thing that person did, I wondered only briefly why they did what they did and it didn’t give it much more thought as it seemed no where close to the realm of my personal world”.  But now I feel beyond the act and feel more about the humanity of that person.

More recently I read in the news about an employee in my current company that got caught stealing some information.  Sure that was illegal, but I think more about the person.  How terrible must they be feeling?  Will they ever be able to earn a living again?  What kind of terror they must have felt?  What humiliation they must have felt?

I recall some people I grew up as a child with and at least two as adults kind of made local headlines and ultimately got arrested and are serving time in prison.  How terrible must they be feeling?  Will they ever be able to earn a living again?  What shame must they feel?  There’s a sense as I feel into their situation and imagine I’m in their shoes of “I just wish I could disappear, curl up in a dark corner and die, never to be seen again”

And these are the feelings I feel more and more.  Ever since I was laid off my previous job,  ever since my long loved dog died,  ever since I’ve come to realize uncles, aunts, my parent approaching a time where they will die,  ever sense I felt more of my physical limitations encroaching upon me with every year of aging I feel those same feelings.  I feel more wanting to be forgiving of others as well as myself.

I definitely see it played out in the 2016 presidential election race.  I can see Hillary Clinton representing all those somewhat not quite so proud and maybe even embarrassing things we have done in the past.  The same holds for Donald Trump.  I can see more of the so so so many people that are imprisoned.  I can remember a boy that I mentored when I was in the Big Brothers Organization and how he shared his father was in prison and how in his world having a father who wasn’t there and was in and out of prison wasn’t unusual.

I see less of a world in a black and white view of most of us “good” people surrounded by the a few “bad” people that belong in prison.  I see past that and see just all of humanity as imperfect human beings with many parts of their lives struggling and feeling disillusioned, betrayed, abandoned, forgotten, and unaccepted for who they are as human beings.

I can see that the one who blames the other, who so righteously casts the first stone is most likely feeling just as guilty and horrified about some small dark corner about themselves.

In the end I come back to my original Christian roots and concept of God and understand that this God created all of us with all our frailties and imperfections and pensions to do “bad”  Could it perhaps be that the so many bad things we do as humans aren’t quite as bad as we all believe?  Let’s not so much look at the shame and horror of the act itself and let’s start to judge “bad or good” by one to one relationships with every individual … and then let’s let our heart judge it by how we loving to ourselves and to others.

I mean I think all of our hearts can sense what seems like a “bad” thing to the extent of how it may cause harm and hurt to others in the context of love.  Our hearts can sense non loving actions, actions of coldness, cruelty, betrayal, abandonment, intentional hurting and forgetting.  And if I think if we can stop more there …  by the standard of how loving we are towards each other, then our sense of “bad” will guide us to show kindness and caring to others in just the right manner, that is just right, even if no one else ever witnesses the act of kindness, even if according to the principals of a righteous “enforcer of law or ethics” it might not quite fit.

God created even those who are in prison.  God loves all those who are in prison.  God created those who have killed. Note that so many killers have been judged by man as good for killing those who are judged bad.  God loves those killers who are judged good and those who are judged bad because they were all his children.  Are we more and more conscious of the fact that the idea of “good killing off evil” is a sham.  Those who are killing us quite possibly view us as the bad and are feeling like they are the good killers and we are the bad killers.  An eye for an eye only makes he whole world blind.

And so I’m feeling so much more forgiving to others.  It’s not so much because I’m feeling the need or ability to aspire to be a saint to be more like Jesus.  No it’s more about the need to be more forgiving and compassionate to myself.  Because with increasing age, I have increasing history of things I might have wanted to hide, and I have increasing awareness of maybe wanting to explore and do things I might always have wanted to do but was afraid to have tried.

In all these scenarios where there is a fear that drives me to want to hide or not try is something deeper.  That something deeper is the fear of the “what if.”  What if I fail in a particular way?  What if I get fired?  What if I look like a fool or maybe in someone else’s mind I look bad?  What if I look like the biggest disappointment? What if I go broke and lose my house?  What if loved one’s and the rest of my family becomes ashamed of me and distances themselves from me?  What if I’m homeless and live on the streets?  And what if I have to steal for food, and sell my soul to survive?  And what if I end up in prison? Will you still love me?

It all comes back to will I still love me?  Can I forgive me? … because in the end it’s only me that will best understand the particular circumstances and struggles that I faced on my journey that brings me to where I am right now.  And I understand to get to that place I simultaneously start to understand that I also want to still love you despite what you’ve done. That I want to forgive you, because I can so much believe you have had good reasons to do  what you did because of the particular circumstances and struggles you faced on your journey.  I want to forgive you even if what you decided to do was a bad choice, even if it seems like a downright malicious and uncaring choice against me.

I believe you entirely.  Why? … because you hold a particular membership card and certification that vouches for you. That membership card and certification is the fact you are human.  So if I ask you why you did this? or why you didn’t do this? … in an accusatory way you can respond because

“I’m human”

and I can hopefully remember who I am and say “Oh yes.  That’s right.  OK.  Yes you’re part of the human club.  Say no more.  That explains it.  You are excused.  I forgive you.  I love you. Namaste brave human.  You have a hard road.  Be on you way”

I Love you

I am Sorry

Please Forgive Me

Thank You

I found the following poem I wrote back in 2008 that conveys in words aspects about “the source”.  I thought I’d share it here.

Crisp accents.

Orange milieu.

Troubled crickets chirping.

Ruffled leaves backdrop against sunlight.

Amidst the ruffles lie intersections.

At the intersections at the very edges, points, rays and sharpness lie uncertainty.

In the shades lie shadows.

In common these all have blurs.

And in the blurs resides the doorway to:

The source.

 

Within the source exist pinpoint light.

Like sun rays diffracting off the tips of the eyelashes of squinted eyes.

The diffracting tips makes points almost like the floaters of single cell creatures swimming in Brownian motion across the view.

The floaters, the diffracting tips are all gateways to the source.

The source is that small quiet voice within.

Walk softly for it almost seeks to be ignored and overlooked.

 

But overlook it not

It is a powerful beacon of truth.

Mover of things.

Within the source lies bright light.

Within the light is the tunnel to darkness.

And within the darkness once again is the source.

The tunnel of light.

GlowingHeartSo I woke up in the middle of the night and had a sensation unlike any other.  I felt my Mother in me.  And I’m not saying a memory of my Mom, or the sense of my Mom inside of my heart.  It was more like the DNA in my cells were in resonance with the knowing of the common DNA in my Mother who had passed away over 10 years ago.  It was also like the higher self aspect of my Mother was surrounding my body as I laid in bed, coddling me as I regressed back to a 5 year old getting younger.  I could hear the breath, thoughts and talk of my Mom back to me but also to herself as if I was also herself as if I were also her.  And the sense and words were something like:

“Wilson Everything is OK.  Yes things are not quite what we/I had originally expected 20 years ago, but it is OK.  I’m OK with how things are.  I am with you.  In fact I am you.  I am still alive because you are still alive.  You are not alone.  We are one.  You will be OK.  And you know you are OK.  And you know that what you say is true, what I say is true and what we say is true.”

I can remember times that I missed my Mother, but with this sensation I didn’t miss her because I really felt in a way I was her.  My fears, and insecurities belonged to her and live thru me and over the past few years of my life have been getting healed and transformed thru me, thru my body.  My hands feel like her hands, like as if she were a spirit just now awakening in a new body feeling skin for the first time since she passed away many years ago.  But it’s NOT like another spirit within me, because that sensation would be more icky and invasive like a possession.  Here it was more of a new found deep becoming of the fact that she is factually part of me largely by virtue of our common DNA.

But just the same this sensation was also not mere intellectual justification that common DNA breaths the life of ancestral past into the present now.  It is rather a mind blowing experience but at the same time also not amazing and even ordinary knowing/believing that my Mom still lives.  She permeates my cells, my thoughts or rather she is my cells and my thoughts and my cells and thoughts were also once hers.  So in the end I don’t miss my Mom, because there is nothing to be missed.  I miss her no more than I miss having my skin.  My skin is always there with me, and I can never misplace or lose my skin, because my skin is me.  And so it is also with this sense of Mom.

I don’t know if tomorrow and days to follow I will have this sense and knowing, but I record it now in this blog entry so that if I look back I can know that at least once in time this was so.

BirthdayCard

So a for the past few weeks I’ve been spending a day here or there celebrating my birthday.  Sometimes it was with loved ones who were there specifically to celebrate my birthday and sometimes with people who didn’t know they was even a celebration going on, a sort of incognito celebration under the guise of a normal get together.

A few days ago I celebrated with family.  It was almost a month belated, but I don’t think I cared that much.  I think if anything it was for me not a gathering of loved ones to celebrate my birthday, but the use of my birthday as a reason for us to get together.  It was a low key celebration, no singing, just the wonderful presence of people I so love.  But somehow love so much more than I can ever remember, no matter if they are in a good mood or nasty mood.

I remember sitting in my house; I’m sitting on a couch, my dog’s eyes light up as she see’s me and climbs up to sit on my lap.  My dog is listening eagerly to piano playing and singing.  My wife singing to my left my brother singing lightly on my right and I’m feeling … oh my God I’m so happy … this is so simple at ease and yet so “I love you all for just being here … I love you all … like sipping the precious rare essence of each moment of life.”  It doesn’t get any better than this.

I flash back several days even earlier when I was a listening to a “Higher Consciousness” guru giving a talk causing my envy and ego to flare up.  I couldn’t help notice the reason I believe I went to see this guru was simply because I loved him … I had some knowledge of the hardships in his child hood and I cared for him and I almost felt I was there to support him.  The speaker had a few assistants helping that I recognized from a prior engagement several years ago.  They didn’t recognize me and I didn’t bother introducing myself.  I only watched them … and I think I loved them.  They were really trying their best to help out their boss (the guru).

People in the audience were asking the “Higher Consciousness” guru his opinion and wisdom.  And I found myself not daring to ask him any questions … mostly because I was so afraid I’d stump him … I’d embarrass him.  Admittedly he was behaving rather arrogantly even kind of behaving like an “ass”, but I couldn’t help but love him.  This was just one more example in my memory of me just more feeling the oh so great vulnerability and tenderness behind the hard, snide veil of an unfriendly face.  And when I feel that, I so deeply love you despite how nasty you may treat me and how you may push me away.

Flash back even further I visit my father a few days after my actual birthday.  It’s an unscheduled visit I make. The conversation starts out a bit stilted but underneath it all it’s all so very loving and cordial.  We sit and chat and occasionally just stay silent.  He informally mentions he’s picking up a sandwich as the local Subway and would I be interested in splitting it because it’s usually too big.  I recognize it as an indirect invitation filled with lots of missing, lots of love and the vulnerability of possible rejection if I were to reply with a “no thanks … I have to get going”.

So I say YES.  And I ride out with him to the local Subway and he tells me to order what I want while he orders something different.  I have to say eating a Sub at the local Subway with my Dad felt like one of the best birthday gifts I ever had. And he didn’t know we were celebrating my birthday.  I didn’t know I was celebrating my birthday with him.  It just happened.  And I loved it.  I was so happy.  I loved him.  I loved the ambiance.  I  loved the moment. It doesn’t get any better than this.

Fast forward to the present as I’m writing this entry.  I’ve come back from a short jog on a chilly Sunday morning.  The Sun is gleaming like it always has.  My dog is back on the couch staring out the window.  I know I’m behind on a bunch of work for the coming weak and I’m procrastinating.  I have to prepare for the arrival of a guest.  There is substantial amount of stress within me, but I only feel it faintly.  It’s like for the moment that stress is suspended somewhere outside of me in some “virtual space” where I know it’s there but it doesn’t overwhelm me.  I’m too preoccupied for the moment trying to express how wonderfully happy.

But as I feel that happiness I also try not to show it too much lest I jinx it.  Possibly someone else will start criticizing me for me for being lazy or not doing enough, since if I did enough I wouldn’t have enough time to be so happy.  But even if someone dealt me that kind of criticism, there is  a part of me has already permanently changed.  That part of me connects to my heart, to the heart of the other and to your heart.  Despite how you may treat me, despite how much you may hate me, it’s true under that exposure I may crumble, but I still love you for you … I don’t know quite why … I just do.

I love you.

SunThruTreeI was attending a  workshop where the main speaker gave a talk about getting to higher consciousness.  When that happened I felt a bit of angst of superiority/inferiority complexes churning thru my heart and head. I heard inner critic voices of “I’m better then him” and then my counter inner critic going to me “that’s not very spiritual sounding” And then the voice of “I’m humble, ordinary and that’s why I’m better …. I don’t have an ego”  But the statement of pride around not having an ego was ego.

So I just had to accept my ego gets flared by someone I might encounter who is in a position I believe I should be.  And I just accepted and allowed my ego to flare while I observed and while I just felt it as it is anyway it wants.  I allowed myself to feel the pain of my ego feeling inferior because I was  just like the bunch of others in the crowd listening to this speaker. I was becoming just another audience member captive to this one speaker [Although another part of me would say I WAS NOT CAPTIVATED.  HE SAID EVERYTHING I ALREADY KNEW.  I AM NOT just another person in the audience! ]

So what does feeling out my ego have to do with connecting with the Source.  So I haven’t talked about the Source in a long time.  But last night I started feeling into that tender place in my heart area to feel that Source.  And when I touched into that pain resulting from my ego flaring up and feeling “not enough” while I was simultaneously touching into the Source, I felt the areas of ego pain themselves seemingly turn into cracks and entry points themselves to the Source.  I felt expanded euphoria almost like I was about to die … which then was admittedly a bit scary so I pulled it in a bit.   But it is now a learning for me on a deepening more meaningful bringing on of the Source.  Even more important it is a new perspective on pain; so possibly I can examine my inner pains with a bit more openness and witness how that pain is actually an entry point to tremendous spaciousness, easiness and pleasure.

I love you.

Pierced Heart3So I sort of feel bad that I haven’t posted anything in a long time.  Like I have some obligation.  I mean from some of the positive feedback I had gotten in the past on this blog, I feel like because my blogging has gone so silent for very long that now I’m no longer meeting expectation, being a disappointment to some audience.  So for the many weeks that have past, I’ve found myself very busy in my day job, often with no time to write about something special that strikes me, and then when I have time not having the desire to write. So there is one aspect that pushes me to now post something, which is guilt, which is a “I should be”,  “I’ll lose some popularity” , “I’ll lose legitimacy” , “I’ll be a disappointment” kinds of feelings.  These are all roundabout ways of describing that I feel bad –> or as I have been coming to accept in these past few months –> an acknowledgment of an internal childhood bound belief that some part of me is Bad.

And what do I mean by Bad?  Is it like a  naughty boy who stole a piece of candy at the store, which one might describe as mildly bad.  Is it like being a very pushy and manipulative personality, which some might describe as bad, good or something in-between?  Is being Bad like being impolite and unfriendly, which could just be a judgement of the goodness/badness of a person who is shy and gentle.  So maybe these examples are at best examples of “sort of bad” gray areas of badness.  But what if we could somehow filter out the “not so bad parts” from these situations so we come to the small core of pure badness? What would that look like?

Imagine if I had a handful of “sort of bad” stuff.  This “sort of bad” stuff would be on the darker side of colors and not very dense.  And then I start filtering out the “non-bad” stuff from this mass.  And what remains gets darker and darker and more dense.  What remains are maybe a few grain sized kernels of pure badness and super dark beyond imagination.  And what would that be?  The essence of pure evil?  The driver of the worst imaginable maniacal serial killer/rapist/mass murderer?  Or something like a unfathomable demon far worse than what has ever been portrayed in the scariest ghost/monster movies?

With what I’ve come to realize is that this line of thinking of “Badness” is still quite external to the essence and core of Badness.  I’ve come to see that Bad is truly a judgement that we impose upon ourselves based upon beliefs and images that most of us would deny we have because it sounds too crazy (“crazy” is code for unbearable) to believe how “bad of a person” we think of ourselves as.

But the truth is in our lives we spend an immense amount of our energy, time and life force trying to counter, cover up, and hide this badness.  It’s in our actions and behavior to look better, and be better for others and to our self critical  view of ourselves.  We look in the mirror both literally and figuratively.  And when we look in the mirror it’s not that often to see the beautiful reflection of a wonderful beautiful being (partly because we might have been told that’s vain, and vain is Bad).  More likely we look to see all the shortcomings, doubts, pimples, scars, wrinkles and imperfections that we might have varying degrees of shame, embarrassment about –> all these lead to feelings of Bad.  And many of us as grown ups sort of get good of covering up those core feelings of Bad rather quickly so that we actually kind of numb them out and move on with important stuff in our lives like “earning a living”

–segway to a scene of a young me looking in the mirror: “Oh wow what a huge pimple.  I look bad.”

— my early inner critical voice: “Only a few can look pretty.   Come on grow up, toughen up.  You can’t be too sensitive if you’re going to grow up and be successful. It could be a lot worse. ” –> and the bad feeling is repressed.

But the thing I start to realize is that although feeling Bad is ultimately the result of my own inner judgement of myself as I witness myself being seen by other, the act of pushing past inner judgment may only just be repressing and storing away that Badness deep within me.  And these stored away Bad feelings are still moving me or trapping me in cycles of behavior that I although I may want to stop,  I can’t — no matter how much I believe it makes sense to stop.

Where it plays out most prominently for me is in establishing my boundaries.   So for example if I’m asked by someone to do a favor that I really don’t want to do, if I have that badness there in I’m more likely to say “yes” I can do that favor.  Because if I say “yes” my inner judge says “I’m nice, generous, selfless and Good,” but if I say “no” my inner judge might say “well then they won’t like you anymore, or they’ll talk behind your back about how I stuck-up or selfish or unfriendly” —-> translation “how I am in truth genuinely, is just a bad unloveable person”

And yes many of us may have heard encouraging words of wisdom like:

“No one can make you feel Inferior without your consent” 

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”  

But yet still internalizing the truth of the above quotes does not change how you feel.  And it’s because the power of “Bad” is not in the realm of wise thoughts.  While you can certainly start quieting some of those inner critic/judge voices with words of truth and wisdom like the above, the driving power of “Bad” is the very fact that it HURTS!

The power of “Bad” is one on in the same as the “pain” that we feel when feel we haven’t done enough, we should have been, we could have been, wish we were, feel guilty, and in more or less ways can’t show ourselves to others and especially to those that seem to matter the most in our lives.  And for most of us we think the pain is just a “dull” pain, not to be compared with say a broken leg, a major physical wound,  or major burn injuries.  But what I’ve come to believe is that the pain of “Bad” is actually quite incredibly intense, it’s just “dull” because life affords us so  many ways to avoid getting close to the pain of those parts of us that we deeply feel are “Badness”.  Many of those ways are just getting lost in work,  constantly moving on, earning more money, or spending money on things to distract you from having to fall into feeling exposed and starting to feel that “Badness”.

Lately I see this interplay in how it has moved  me to work longer and longer hours at my workplace, for fear of being late on a project.  My critical adult might cast reasons why this is justified, making up a horrific story like “if you are late than this other big mega-dollar project will be late and you’ll be at fault, and this other multi-billion dollar plan will be messed up all because of you.  You boss, your bosses boss, your bosses, bosses boss will be so so so angry with you.  So if you right now decide to take it easy and go on vacation and dare “have fun!” while your project is in the depths of chaos …. oooh …  You will look SO BAD”  You will be in BIG TROUBLE!. “ –> This is the edge and intensity of BADness.  And to avoid that edge and intensity I will be compelled into giving up my boundary and may work longer hours to make up for taking vacation, work weekends or put off vacation, or even if I do go on vacation feel really guilty about it and not have that much fun or even feel miserable.

And if I were to visualize and draw a picture how how the Pain of his Badness feels I see something that looks like my heart and when I feel the Badness it’s like a sharp knife jabbing me with sharp intense pain into my heart.  So then if let’s say I’m in a disagreement with a loved one and I say “no” to something and they’d rather I have said “yes”, when that Badness is there for me in relationship I will feel guilt, I will feel pain, which I will try the best to ignore, keep busy and numb out as best I can, but the truth is that often it will  drain me, it will feel like asking myself  hold my breath for more than 2 minutes (honestly I don’t know if I could actually hold my breath anywhere near that long).  And like the pain of holding your breath for as long as possible you might initially consider it a dull pain, but with time you realize it’s actually a very great pain that is ultimately the very essence of what pain means –> the belief and fear that you are imminently dying, being destroyed, or being annihilated into nothingness.

Your Badness, those purified dark grains of badness I described earlier, are those intense entry ways into the parts of you, you really don’t want to be seen because you believe if others and possibly you truly saw the depth and entirety of those parts of you would be rejected, outcasted, possibly put into jail with your mug face plastered in shame on the front pages of of newspapers, unloved, unworthy of living –> just plain Bad.  And that kind of Badness, despite how much you can effectively deny it, is very very very painful.  So painful that you dare not come close to feeling it and so it you don’t feel it.  And in your not feeling it moves the way you behave, it moves you into those cycles you wish you didn’t fall into, because it’s those very cycles that are your means to not feel your “Badness” as best you can, so that you can remain as “Good” as possible and as least “Bad” as possible.

 

We all Know

In relationship as we might evaluate each other, despite the outer appearances that one might know more, be more, be greater, in the end actually we all “know” we all are “great” we all are “all that there ever is” It’s just that we elect to put on different faces and defenses on.  In relationship it’s generally about the choice of face and defense of others we want to deal with rather than the actual person.  Because the fact is that each of us and each other person we encounter is already that “know more”, “be more” or “the greater”.  Because we all “know” it’s just that we don’t often “unhide” or “unforget” or “undistort”

StillWaterOfOklahoma

In  the year 2000 I somehow was drawn to develop a logo and spiritual name that resonated with me.  I came up with the name of WakundaMa and I formed the website www.wakundama.com.  Wakunda means Great Spirit and Ma is Chinese for horse.  I’m was born in the year of the horse in the Chinese Zodiac.  So the Ma was for my Chinese link, but the Wakunda part was from a strong connection I felt to Native American culture.

Then in coming years when ever I found my self overwhelmed or having trouble sleeping I would seek out authentic “unplugged” (no electronics or amplification) Native American music.  First it was the flute.  Then it extended to drumming, then voice and pow wows.  The sound of it made me feel like I was at home.  The more raw, simple, and natural the better.  At times quite literally the sound of a Native American War Dance could put me to sleep with a smile.

Every now and then I kept searching for the nearest Native American Reservation so that I might live there for maybe a little.  But most of my searches returned disappointing results of reservations consisting of improverished Native Americans living in Westernized housing who mostly would not trust to share their old ways with an outsider like me.  Additionally it seemed that the old ways have been mostly lost.

The past couple years I’ve started to sink into my humanity and humility as a simple creature of this Earth.  In that sinking I’ve started to embrace Native American ceremony, by drumming the drum, and creating an indoor “fire pit” using candles, tufts of white sage, and sweet grass.  I noticed a compelling desire to start singing lost songs of the land.  I find my vocal cords almost seemingly to channel earthy sounds of the past in a language I don’t understand.  The sounds from my throat seem like it could be made-up gibberish, but somehow it feels so very authentic that I dare say it’s channeled.  Be it a true traceable Native American language I don’t know if I will ever find out, but it is definitely so authentically grounding and healing for me.

In the Native American ceremony I’m somehow starting to find my own authentic voice of the inner child that can not speak in well enunciated words of the English language but rather the more emotional not trying to be pretty and polished tone of a Native American voice.   In ceremony I can scream, whisper, yell, cry, be loved, show love and wisdom in the voice that comes thru my belly, heart and lungs.

My draw to Native American has increased.  A few weeks ago I found myself searching again on the internet for which Native American reservation I might want to visit to find my home people again.  This time I decided to search for the largest reservations rather than the closes reservations.  And then I discovered that the biggest reservations once existed in Oklahoma.  What follows is what I started to piece together that seemed to explain why a Chinese Man feels such strong longing for his Native American roots.

A long time ago a great many people of lived in a land called the Americas.  I don’t know how many for sure but a search on the internet show anywhere from as tiny as 2.1 million to even larger than 100 million Native Americans lived in what is now the United States.  And then the I guess somewhere starting around the 1500’s a great conflict would occur with people from Europe and over the years about 90% of the Native Americans would perish, many from war but most just from diseases brought over by the Europeans.

In the United States a steady effort proceeded to contain the  Native American Tribes into reservations.  Mostly a large effort involved trying to clear the areas East of the Mississippi of Native American Tribes.  Most Native Americans were forced to relocate to an area of land that is currently known as Oklahoma.  Land area were reserved for the Cherokee, Cheyenne, Arapaho, Wichita, Caddo, Kiowa, Chikasaw, Tonkawa, Ponca, Oto, Missouri, Pawnee, Creek, Iowa, Kichapoo, Pottawatome, Shawnee, Seminole, Osage, and Choctaw.  A large number of Native Americans perished during this relocation to these reserved lands.

And in the middle of all these reserved lands a parsel of land was left “unassigned”.  In the 1880’s these were referred to as the “Unassigned Lands”.  The north east part of the unassigned lands sat in the “heart” between all these tribal lands.  And in this spot resided Still Water Creek because it’s waters were observed to be still and the land would eventually turn into a city called Still Water.  Before the turn of the century a land run was kicked off and people (later called “Sooners”) raced to claim a parcel of the “Unassigned Lands” as their own.   And so from where the settlers gathered the city of Still Water came to be.  Still Water eventually also became the home of the University of Oklahoma.

In the 1960’s a man born in Hong Kong met a woman born in China at the University of Oklahoma.  They were my Mom and Dad.  They got married and birthed me in 1966 the year of the Chines Zodiac horse.

I was born in Still Water Hospital.  I don’t remember anything there, but my child hood feels like it was filled with much distress, fear, and anger of something I’m not quite sure of.  But I was known by many to be on the quiet and still temperament side much like the creek at Still Water Oklahoma.

In my sleep I recently had memories of entering this world in the presence of a tribe that sang at my arrival as a woman gently held my feet as I landed on the ground.  Many mothers held my feet making me feel so warm and safe in my arrival.  It almost make me cry when I remember these memories I so so so miss.  I strongly believe this is link back to my prior lives in a Native American homeland.  I don’t know if it was necessarily Oklahoma that was my homeland but more that Oklahoma holds the Spirit of so many Tribes from all over the land that I was bound to pick up this in my birth in this life time in the hospital of Still Water Oklahoma.

I remember I was welcomed by the people of this land with so much love and ceremony.  I belonged to the land.  The land was safe.  Life was safe.  The people around me were safe.  Because they welcomed me and most importantly my feet were held.

This is not how my birth happened in the Hospital in Still Water Oklahoma. Instead I now am starting to remember a rude awakening with a painful slap on my behind as I was extracted from my Mom’s womb thru Cesarian Section.  It did not feel safe.  My feet were not held warmly.  My feel were not welcomed to this land.  My feet were cold.  Life was threatening.  Still today often it’s my feet that gets cold.

It’s interesting that I the facts of history of Oklahoma and it’s relevance to me had never been revealed to me until now at the start of the year of the Horse, my year.

Happy New Year.  Gong Xi Fa Cai.

 

 

 

harlow monkey

So I’ve spent the past few weeks working with a 3-seat method introduced to me by a Pathworks Helper over year ago. Intellectually it’s a rather simple technique seemingly based upon mainstream psychology.  In reality it takes a lot of practice and self work before you can do it on your own successfully.  In this method you role play your child consciousness, healthy adult ego, and then higher self.  However, for the most part you generally work with only the child and adult.  It’s also a technique you generally employ only if you find yourself stuck, feeling bad or overwhelmed.

You might first start off as an adult asking yourself how you are feeling and then at least for me the thing that bothers me or frightens me is definitely the child.  What’s difficult at first with this technique is being familiar with how to separate the adult and child.  The healthy adult is more factual, practical, yet compassionate.  The healthy adult asks questions, thinks rationally, is open to many options, holds healthy boundaries, is honest and keeps commitments.  The child consciousness is demanding, fearful, often irrational and reactive.  The challenging part of this technique for me was learning how to model and separate the two consciousness as my adult started to get afraid and make-up rational sounding babble to sufficiently fake or bribe the child. For example the child might say:  “I don’t wont to go to work today and I want to take the day off and relax and have fun”  The adult might say: “Sorry but we have to work to earn money”  The child might say: “Why?”  The insecure adult might make up something like  “because if we don’t earn money than we won’t be able to eat.” And that statement is sort of a half truth with a lie mixed in, because the truth is that missing one day of work for me doesn’t mean I don’t eat today.  But my adult gets a bit scared with the demanding child and throws out a “bone” hoping to satisfy, distract or even frighten the “child” so we can “continue on as normal”.  And the truth is in this exercise when my adult is feeling compelled to tell half truths and throw distractions its because I’m really more just in my child trying to pretend to be an adult.

There is a concept in psychology called Transactional Analysis or TA that uses a kind of child – adult model to explain human behaviors.  In TA they would call this state where you kind of have a child play acting as the adult to another child as a state where the “child has contaminated the adult”  or we have the critical parent.  In real life we are surrounded in instances of so many of us having wounded, angry, scared, lacking inner children trying our best to fake being the “grown up” we believe our parents wanted us to be.  And it’s so much the norm that it makes it very normal and often praised human behavior to intimidate, humiliate, sabotage, hurt other humans. But let me get back to me.

I’ve been practicing with this 3 chair technique very sporadically and infrequently, but over the duration of about I year.  I think I’m now just starting to clear up and sufficiently separate my adult as a healthy adult from my inner child.  When I recently did this I found myself feeling the terror of my inner child.

I started to sense the fact that he was a child that grew up in a somewhat sterile existence without any affection.  It probably wasn’t until I was maybe 40 years old that it was revealed to me that with holding affection from a child is considered child abuse and is “traumatic”.  It’s a quiet and insidious trauma that makes everything about one seem like they should be OK much like a robot should be OK as long as you give it proper fuel and maintenance, but leaves one constantly feeling socially awkward or unadjusted.  I was taught by my parents to say “I feel fine, how are you?” and expect the answer of “I feel fine”.  For many years I never quite believed that lack of affection when I grew up was a big deal, I mean it wasn’t physical or sexual abuse.  But I’m starting to understand that in a silent insidious way it was sort of a prolonged “gentle” neglect of me protracted for entirety of my childhood life dripped on me one drop at a time, until after one million drops later I’m unknowingly immersed in a massive sea of insecurity that I’m good at covering up with a mask.

So this past week in this 3 chair technique I was able to feel the entirety of what it means to not have been hugged as a child.  As a child I felt naked, ashamed, fully exposed and unclothed with the warmth of mother’s arms around me.  I could understand how I might today feel anxieties in the dark or in the midst of a room of a large crowd or under the scrutiny of managers as I defend the work I’ve done.  I recall times in my past, like when I was so sure I was going to get layed off after 20 years of employment and feeling a “higher being” or “higher self” coming over me and hugging me while I collapsed in defeat and cried my eyes out.  And so now I was the adult just hugging this child of mine that was just so scared he had no words to say.  So I was able to dialogue with my child that I promised to be with him and hold him and that maybe in the middle of day we can take off from work during lunch and have some time together at the local mall.  And my child warmed up to that and I literally felt him hugging harder around my torso, still trembling very hard.

As I drove I actually started to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the grip of this terrified child. Wow.  This little “Wilson” is REALLY REALLY TERRIFIED.  OH MY GOD! He’s going to squeeze the breath out of me! And then I started to understand a bit about maybe what my Mom might have experienced with me as a child.  My adult started to feel a bit overwhelmed and have thoughts of “maybe we better take this child to a psychiatrist because I don’t know if I can handle how scared he is!!”  The best image I can think of that characterizes all of this and the importance of affection is this picture of a baby monkey in a laboratory hugging a pole crudely fashioned with cloth to resemble a Mom.  That baby monkey was me.

 

 

BellevueHall_WomanPicture

 So this past week I had an opportunity to take one of the few “ghost tours” offered by the Bellevue Park.  In this ghost tour you get to tour all parts of Bellevue Hall; a place that is frequented by paranormal events.  So it’s the real thing in terms of a haunted house.   There are no intentional props, sounds or planted scares, just an ordinary old mansion with most of the lights turned off so that your imagination can run wild.  At the beginning of the tour, the staff do warn you to not intentionally invite any detected presences to follow you home and to in fact ask them to stay behind.  This is the “real thing” in terms of haunted houses.

And this absolutely got me excited with a giddy sensation of a child.  Some people thought I was a little wierd to want to go to pay admission into a real haunted house.  Wierd or not, apparently lots of other people had the same fascination or thrill I had.  I estimate nearly 50 people of all ages showed up even some kids.

But still I was thinking what is it that makes me want to go to a real haunted house.  Is it because watching a horror movie doesn’t scare me enough?  Well actually I don’t want to get scared!  I get very scared with lots of fictional horror movies.  I kind of knew that the Bellevue Hall tour wasn’t likely to scare, but rather tease with thoughts of “what if”  or “I wonder what’s in that dark corner?” or “Would I dare spend the night sleeping in this house?”.  I mean in every horror movie I’d remember or can imagine things generally only happen when there are two or less people.  A crowd of chatty tourists walking closely together just doesn’t lend itself to getting spooked.  I kind of think that real ghosts are not there to perform for our entertainment and would rather choose to go away and hide until there are a lot less people around.

So on the tour there was no obvious signs of any paranormal activity. Our tour guide mentioned that the hidden entrance to the basement had a latch that frequently unlocks itself at the end of the day.  We got a chance to tour the basement and eventually walk up the stair well to that hidden entrance and see that latch; it was clear there was no way that this latch could accidentally open; it could only open with direct and obvious force.  And yet at the end of the tour another excited staff member met us with a flashlight and with excitement declared the “latch unlocked itself!”  So she said did anyone else want to join her again in the basement and try it out for ourselves?

Another person and myself jumped at the opportunity. We entered the hidden entrance, closed the door and witnessed the latch being shut by the staff member.  I checked it out myself, it was solid shut.  For a moment I wondered if one of us should stay behind to witness the latch moving on its own … I imagined the latch moving and me starting to go in terror trapped with a ghost at the top of the stairs unlatching the latch and me with no where to go but to venture into a basement that is pitch dark and has many of twists and turns to get lost. …. I quickly nixed that idea and stayed close behind the staff member who had the one and only flashlight as she lead the way thru the basement out to other set of steps that lead to the main basement door.  Liked excited puppies we quickly ran back upstairs to the other side of the hidden entrance and pulled on the door … Nothing.  The door was solidly locked. Sighh… yet at the same time maybe a bit of Phew because then I’d be scared.  I waited around maybe 15 minutes and still the door remained locked.  Oh well.

So what is it about wanting to get really close to be terrified to death yet not really wanting to be terrified?  I mean I’ve gone to the Brennan Healing School and have been much more open to psychic sensing so actually one of my fears was that I might be particularly good at making contact with a ghost.  I might have better than average ability to see and sense one of these ghosts.  And this is one twisted area where somehow feeling “better than” is sort of “worse” or at least very confusing.

There were two levels of the Bellevue Hall that the guide mentioned that the strongest paranormal activity: The Basement and the 3rd floor.  OUr tour guide took us to the basement first.

When we were in the basement our tour guide demonstrated use of dowsing rods to communicate with the “entity” in the basement.  The rods moved on their own returning yes and no responses to the questions the guide asked aloud.  She then asked if anyone else wanted to try and lots of people wouldn’t dare touch them.  My curiosity was way to strong so I almost grabbed them out of the tour guides hand.  I asked a few questions silently in my head and the dowsing rods moved to indicate the spirit in the basement was a woman but not from the last owners (the DuPont family) but from the original owners.  As we walked down one of the “secret” tunnels in the basement I felt chills running thru me as the dowsing rods felt as if charged with electricity.  If I had “better than” average sensing ability I was definitely doing a good distorted job of closing my senses down while occassionally peaking out .. “mmm mmmm mmm I see nothing I see nothing, I hear nothing , I hear nothing … what was that? … I see nothing … I am not here … I am just another non ghost believer … mmm mmm mmm”

When we got to the 3rd floor I have to admit I was taken aback. This was the floor the staff have closed to the public because of too many paranormal events.  This floor was definitely the most menacing.  It felt angry, furious, crazy, wild, unstable and dangerous.  Seeing exposed holes in the ceiling and walls certainly added to that feeling.  Note that some of these holes seemed to reveal some other larger cavity or space behind them. This floor had many rooms with many doors and plenty of opportunity to let your curiosity lead you to look at every dark corner or hidden space where something could be hiding.  The guide took us to one room where a child has been spotted thru the 3rd floor window crying profusely.  She took out the dowsing rod and asked if anyone had any questions.  I had a couple questions but I hesitated to ask them. I mean I did want to ask this child spirit “Did you like hiding in that closet that’s now closed and directly behind where the tour guide is standing?”  I felt a terrifying chill when I thought of that question and when the tour guide made a “final call” I remained silent and never asked my question.  I did not ask because, I was scared out of my wits my question would be answered and I’d be dead-on and then that child spirit would recognize that and lock on to me.   Strangely I also hesitated to ask because I would feel embarrassed to have asked such a question in front of all these people — as if such a question was a very vulnerable thing to ask.

So I share this experience with you partly to just allow my little kid share his “Halloween” experience so that some of you can go “oooooh little Willie that was really spooky … you were so brave to go there …. Wooooow” and give my inner child approval.  But it’s more to shed some light on the question of why I wanted to go and why I’m certainly not alone in this venture to want to travel to the edge between terror and safety.

There are certainly a large number of us that love to be scared and spooked out yet at the same time we hate it because it brings us to the parts of us that feel an overwhelming terrifying threat to our survival.  A ghost seems to exhibit that right combination of subtle voyeurism into our worst fears.  It says to you “Please Stay Away and Please don’t look here” and immediately you can’t help but to want to look there and sort of get closer until you witness a big BOOOOO or hear a demonic GET OUT!!!

I tried to intellectualize about why I want to get my self almost scared to death.  But the truth is that there was something about knowing that I was in a real haunted house that I might be possibly rubbing up against passing spirits that I felt more “alive”.  There is something more real about witnessing either first hand or second hand unexplained things that defy all the laws of science and technology.  It is sort of inconvertible evidence for me shown in it’s purest form that something very real exists long after our physical bodies perish; that the impossible is possible and it’s happening all the time right in front of our faces.

There was also a sense of compassion for these spirits which my senses tell me are in a state of perpetually revisiting their life wounds over and over again in this house.  I want to know them, their lives, listen to their tragedy, their sorrows, hopes, and fears and somehow I believe that if I could do that they would be healed and could move on and somehow some part of me would be healed and could move on as well.  It sounds strange for me to say this, but I Love them!

So I guess that’s maybe what draws me.  And that what makes me feel alive.  And I guess that’s also what’s so scary.  And somehow I think that’s true for a lot of us, but for most of us a mildly scary movie or maybe just a rated PG trip to the Haunted Mansion ride in the Walt Disney World theme park is good enough to tease a little of that aliveness in us.

WilsonMuffingSome time ago I had the opportunity to work with a client in association with my Brennan Healing Science Schooling.  At this particular session my client was rather frantic.  My client’s life seemed to be in a state of overwhelming upheaval and I was sort of being looked at for “magical” healing to bring about resolution.  At first this was daunting for me.  I initially felt this urge to “pull it together” and act like the “all knowing and all is well healer”  But, I knew “pulling it together” would only bring superficial help.  Instead I resorted to grounding and being in the present.  Without pretending to rise above the overwhelmingness of the situation, I sort of dropped below it all.  Even more important I set my intention on holding the space of ordinariness, even at the risk of being just an ordinary “non healer” human being.

And you know what?   Suddenly, it was like me, the client and the room got really quiet as we clicked into the zone of the present.  We didn’t have to rise above the chaos, because at the moment we were just concentrating on the ordinariness and nothing specialness of the moment.  Within the precious space of every moment the room was quiet and we could hear maybe birds outside or a passing car.  In this space it wouldn’t matter if we learned of impending doom the next day or some recent glorious victory.  The grass doesn’t care.  The bugs on the ground don’t care.  The dirt doesn’t care.  The sky doesn’t care.  The air doesn’t care.  The crack in the wall doesn’t care.  No matter what happens to you, what you become or don’t become, they will still be there just the same, the same way the would have always been, nothing special, just ordinary life ticking away steadfastly like the seconds on a clock.

And in that space or ordinariness strangely there is something extraordinarily magical about it.  In that space I’m taken back to moments as a child, possibly even as an infant where my only job during the day was to stare aimlessly up out of my crib watching life slowly unfold.  As a child I could remember many boring, lazy, summer days that seemed to last forever.  I remember daydreaming.  I remember imagining the carpet pile was forest or the wrinkles on my bed were mountains, or the bathwater in the tub was an ocean.  This was all happening while my parents might have been worried about paying bills, worried about losing their jobs, worried about my asthma attacks, and even arguing with each other.  In the midst of all that adult worry I was quite occupied in dropping into the ordinariness of mundane everyday simple thinks like the air, sun, dirt, cracks in the wall, carpet pile, and wrinkled blankets.  There was no stress.  At times it might have felt boring.  But in that boredom was huge expansive space for wonderment, creativity and fun.

So I found this space rather potent for my client and rather potent for myself.  Yet it’s all so rather ordinary.  But the fact that this ordinary was so potent struck me as so extraordinary.  And there’s this knowing within that has registered in my heart, that the most special and extraordinariness one might seek will ultimately turn out to be the courageous act of simply dropping all masks, and defenses, dare to do nothing, accomplish nothing, dare simply being nobody special, just the ordinary you.  To actually believe that the holding of the state of the pure and simple you is so so so unbelievably extraordinary.

So I’m now more often reminded and drawn to holding the magical space of being ordinary.  It feels so real.  It feels so doable.  It puts me at ease.  And it assures me of my great worth for simply existing. I even feel this element of eurphoria and that “touching the source” sensation tickling in the center of my heart. 🙂

So I took some time to pause and meditate this morning.  I sat down and listened to the cars on the road pass by.  At times I day dreamed about prior times in which I had lead some meditations and was maybe a bit annoyed with all the extraneous noise. And then as I continued to hear a car engine buzz off into the distance I started appreciated how these mechanized sounds intruded into an otherwise calm space of birds chirping in trees and quiet breezes, because their intrusion were like gentle wake-up calls bringing me back into reality of now.

I mean meditating in complete serenity could just help you escape the reality of “what’s here now”.   And you might want to escape “how ever things are now” as opposed to “how you wish things were”.  And if that’s what you want you might be irritated with how things actually are.  While serenity is wonderful and great, the reality is where I live I happen to live on a somewhat busy road and so this was a moment to embrace the gift I have been given to be here in this space and this time, being able to carve out an alcove of  a sensation of having “all the time in the world” for myself in the constraints of a 15 minute meditation.  And so I meditated with the intermittent drone of passing cars to “prick” me back into my physical body in the present, being rather ordinary, with no agenda in mind waiting for the 15 minute timer on the stove to beep, telling me my slowly simmering oatmeal was done.

And then my mind shifted to the now of “what is”.  I chose to meditate in awareness of now versus trying to drift out of my body.  And then I became aware of fear and terror.  I recall a time back in 2011 when I took a Core Energetics Personal Intensive and recall a moment when my defenses were dropped and I felt this cushion press against a vertebrae in the center of my upper back and I was both in agony and overwhelming terror.  I was gently asked to stay in that space longer, and I found myself begging and screaming to let me stop “please no more!”  Within minutes I was told I could stop and was helped off my back and the pain and terror vanished … and I was left with the thought of “what was that?!”

So in my meditation today I brought myself to explore that space of overwhelming terror.  Images of being stabbed without warning in my back arose.  Feelings of shocking betrayal from behind, with no advanced warning, with no idea of who or where the betrayal was coming from.  I’m a total sitting duck of vulnerability for anyone to “sack” me.  And then I upped the anti and thought about what would really scare me: … SPIDERS!!

Many large spiders crawling on the floor and all over me and then most terrifyingly entering inside of my body and just eating me apart … Then I’m back in the present, fully intact, no spiders.  … Then just one really huge monstrous spider larger than me approaching me from the front!

I focused on the sensations in my body.  There was some tension in my belly, the area of the third chakra.  But surprisingly the greatest tension was in my heart.  This surprised me.  I was most terrified that this monstrous spider would eat my tender heart … and I started to cry.  I was not so much afraid of losing my life and my body, but rather losing  my so precious heart.

The spider grabs my heart and takes it in and I cry.  And so I begged to that spider: “Please don’t eat my heart!  Go ahead and eat the rest of my body but please spare my heart!”  And then images of loved ones I care for arise and I hear myself say “Please take me instead … just spare them … please take me instead”  For they are my heart.  Spare my heart.

And then the spider pulls out my unharmed heart from his mouth and returns it back to me almost bowing before me.  Although I’m willing to let him kill me and eat the rest of my body  in exchange for the return of my heart  … the spider respectfully retreats from me.

And then I’m alone in my meditation.  I feel more here in my physical body.  I feel strangely more renewed and transformed from this short meditation. I am so greatful for the luxury of just being here now sitting on a floor, just being alive.  And then the 15 minute timer beeps. I get up. My oatmeal is ready.

I started to think about how many parents seek to give their children a better life than them.  They seek to make the best for their children.  That thinking then turns into they want the best for their children, which also sometimes turns into they expect their children to fulfill what’s best for them.

As kids we may get fed “positive” information about “you can become anything you want to be”  or the “the sky is the limit” or “there is nothing you can’t do”.  But you know it is all still quietly saying “we expect the best from you”  or “you are not enough … if you just sit on your butt”  And into adults we mirror back these messages upon each other reinforcing this belief as the template for future children to grow into.

So last night I paused to realize how I’ve been lax in taking proper care of my eyes by leaving in my extended wear contacts in too long for so many times.  When I do that my eyes may start to get red and tender.  And I have a valid concern that over time if I continually disregard proper contact lens care, like I’ve often done, I will get a bad eye infection and risk losing my eyesight.  I mean generally many adults by their 40’s start to need glasses to read, and by their 60s start getting cataracts, so why am I only making it harder for the long term health of my eyes? I start getting scared at the prospect of losing my vision and I remove my contacts.  But I guess I’m not that scared because it doesn’t take too long before the next time I’ve left my contacts in for longer than recommended.  When that happens I notice that I’m mostly feeling too busy and distracted and almost hear myself saying “Wait … after I finish responding to this email … or I’m so tired … I’ll do it in the morning”  I mean whats another day?

And a month ago I got a warning from my dentist to please start flossing as I’m losing gum, some bone, and each dental cleaning is only going to be more painful if I continue to ignore flossing.  So on the first day back from my dentist I’m vigilant, but within days, I start thinking the pain ain’t so bad and besides I’m to busy trying to get better by “keeping on time” “saving more money” “planning for personal improvemnt” “make more money” …. blah blah blah  I notice clearly this sensation of: “This flossing is such a pain … it’s so inconvenient … I just don’t have the patience!”  It is only maybe 10 minutes of hygiene … yet there’s this jittery hurried force within me that makes anything that can’t be done in a few blinks of the eye too long and burdensome, that even the real possibility of losing my teeth just doesn’t motivate me to fully embrace the intent of caring for myself.

At best I only have a mixed set of priorities like: “I need to finish my taxes first, I need to exercise more to lose weight, I need to complete that communications project REAL SOON for work!,  I need to prepare for my Wednesday meeting, I want to form that monthly meditation group, I need to build a social network of friends, I need to figure out how to reduce my mortgage payments, I need to spend time to figure out which lawn mower to buy, I need to fix the basement door, I need to figure out how to hang the pictures in the basement nicely, I need to get more shelves setup for storage, I need to figure out what kind of fencing to consider buying, I want to explore replacing some of our door locks with wireless remote door locks, I want to hire an interior decorator, I need to save up money to be able to afford interior decorating, my dogs ears are infected … I don’t care for my dog as well as I used to … I need to take better care of my dog so she lives longer, Oh no I need to drop my weight to keep my blood pressure healthy … I should meditate more … I should start excercising more  … I wish I looked better … I should start excercising … I’m want to look better … I wish my home looked nicer … I wish other people naturally liked  me more … I long to be more popular  … I need to improve my ability to socialize.”

I take a breather to step back from this confusion. I try to prioritize and I conclude that: “I need to get my finances straightened by finishing my taxes first, or start submitting my medical bills for reimbursement or shopping around for those speakers to accessorize my large screen TV, I need to exercise more to lose weight, I need to complete that communications project REAL SOON for work!,  I need to prepare for my Wednesday meeting, I want to form that monthly meditation group, I need to build a social network of friends, I need to figure out how to reduce my mortgage payments …” AND ON AND ON AND ON going all over the place in scattered directions.

All this melee of thoughts and actions end up placing me in about 60% of my time in mental paralysis as I trying to shift back and forth the direction of my life, never quite yet ready to actually move.  And what’s at the root of all this confusion has nothing to do with time management or getting my priorities straight.  WHAT’S AT THE ROOT OF ALL THIS IS THE BELIEF I’M NOT ENOUGH.

Being enough isn’t simply a mental affirmation of “I am enough” it is the courage to dare be present in what ever situation arises and allowing myself to sit in that great discomfort of feeling inadequate, incompetent, ashamed, bad, of being a disappointment, of looking wierd and of being awkward.  I recognize I’m terrified of spending too much time with various close people in my life because I fear them discovering how inadequate or awkward I am … and so all these scattered urges to do all the things I need to do to make me better are just part of a large web of accomplishments I feel I must complete to make myself feel enough.

Yet ironically the path to enoughness starts with the awareness of mind and courage of spirit to simply be present in my feelings of not enoughness and resist doing anything to hide, fix or correct myself.  Because there is nothing to fix.  The only thing to fix is the belief there is something to fix.

Can I dare say how I truly feel to another person even if I might disappoint them or they might reject me.  I hear voices in me echos with words like  “gee … that Wilson … we thought he had so much potential … but boy what a disappointment … I mean he looked like he was so with it on top of things … but now look at him … I certainly don’t want to caught hanging around him ”  These are my own internal voices waiting for me to paint them on the face of any willing person I bump into so they can bring them to life and validate my belief that I’m not quite good enough to be present with any other person.  I mean I can maybe be partially present, by being proper, politically correct, and hopefully finding in-common topic to chit chat about. But I’m always going to be guarding and masking some part of me that I’m dreadfully terrified of being exposed.

And so lately at least I’ve been awakened to my own chaos.  But even more important I’ve been willing to take time to sit in it and feel the great discomfort and dissatisfaction and not run, numb, or distract so quickly.  For each action of running, numbing or distraction might only turn into another item on my list of things I need or want to do.  Dare I come see you in my simpleness of just me.  I am truly very ordinary.  I’ve gotten a lot of schooling and even got a couple of degrees, yet in the end no matter who you are, even if at times I might have felt “better” than you I actually felt insecure in your presence.  I’m so insecure that I might need to use those degrees and other accomplishments as crutches and masks to distract you and myself so that hopefully none of us notices how terrified I am to reveal myself without the cover of those accomplishments.  Because underneath those accomplishments you might just see who I really am.

My parents encouraged me to be an “extraordinary” person.  I am now finding that achieving extraordinary things is at most only “doing” extraordinary things.  But if all you strive is to “DO” the extraordinary you’ll never actually BE extraordinary as you’ll keep striving to accomplish more and yet still feeling not feeling enough.  BEING extraordinary is different than DOING extraordinary.

BEING extraordinary, I mean TRULY EXTRAORDINARY is the courage to dare simply BE ordinary.  To simply be just as you are how ever you are at this moment.  Not trying to be a better person, because you already are that better person where ever you are at this moment.  You are perfect just as you are.  Yes indeed you are ordinary — the ordinary you.  But your ordinary you is extraordinary.  And even more if you have the courage to DARE just be who you are … no masks … no running … no cover ups …  that would indeed BE EXTRAORDINARY.

Very few people can simply BE ENOUGH.   If I could more and more practice SIMPLY BEING present in the moment especially during the times I feel NOT ENOUGH …  If I could endure a few times the storm of my critical inner voices while being present in my NOT ENOUGHNESS, I might just discover that those storms won’t make my world end.  If I dare weather the storms of my inner critiques, if I can allow myself to I reveal those parts of me I truly believe are not enough, I might just discover I really am enough. This is how the courageous act of being present in my not enoughness can lead to my goal of enoughness.  If I could do this … I would be able to be present in being just ordinary … and that would indeed be EXTRAORDINARY.  And then I’d always have the time to take better care of myself because there wouldn’t be anything else that needed doing.  And that would feel so fantastic, wonderful and great. 🙂

 

 

It’s been so many months since I last put in an entry.  As to the reasons if I tried to write about that it would take me so long to think about it that I won’t put in entry.  So for now I’d like to recount a special moment in time back in July when I happened to be walking thru a small local nature trail.  At that time I walked very slowly and took time to connect with the trees and be one with the forest. I started to feel like this forest was my natural home, like I could live here in the wild.  I started to feel shy and suspicious of other people walking along this path.  They felt like as much a threat to me as the deer hiding still amongst the trees and bushes.

What I observed is that as long as I stayed in normal “human” space I didn’t really see much other than trees.  But when I shifted into being part of the forest I slowed down and suddenly I could see deer standing very still amongst the trees.  What I did know was within this around a small 4-acre plot of trees I called a forest supposedly resided a fairly large herd of deer, all quietly hiding until the evening when there are little to no humans around.  And if I stood still and became one with the forest I could start to see the deer appear and I also noticed they seem to be less threatened by my presence.

Then I noticed another smallish animal standing very still in the middle of the trail maybe about 100 yards away from me.  It was a ground hog and he didn’t seem to mind me being there because I was very still and I guess because I was emanating the energy of a being that belonged here.  But I was so sure that the second I moved I’d shift into normal “human space” and that ground hog would run away.

So I stayed still.  And the ground hog spotted me standing still.  And then I moved to grab my camera and take a picture.  The ground hog did not run away, but in fact started running directly towards me.  He was now curious of me.  I was enamored with what was happening so I quickly started to video what was happening.  I started to realize this ground hog was not scared of me, but instead very curious.  And once he came within 3 feet of me, it appeared that maybe he’d confused me for a tree and was now about able to climb up my leg.

So I felt a bit scared.  And as he got within 1 foot of me, I could see he had large claws.  And then you know what as soon as my fear was starting to escalate again the ground hog started to back away from me.  I was shifting into a defensive state and that became scary to the ground hog.  I firmly believe if my fear did not creep back in he’d probably craw up my leg, which would have been very scary for me.

The following is the youtube video of my experience:

Ground Hog Video

I continue to experience some kind of inner terror that causes me to feel nauseous and want to vomit.  It’s something that I usually only experienced in early mornings while prepping myself for a serious of potentially stressful meetings.  But lately I’ve been concerned because it’s happened in the middle of the day or evening when trying to sleep.

So today I took a nap after returning from work.  I woke up around 7 PM kind of feeling displaced and groggy, wondering if this oddly placed nap was going to effect my ability to get a good night sleep and be prepared for a 7 AM meeting the next day.  I was sort of feeling a bit nauseous.  So I took my dog out for a short walk and then I was struck by a remarkably compassionate day.

There was still sunlight out.  The sky was still blue.  The temperature was moderate.  Other people were on there regular walking routes either for exercise or to walk their dogs. And as I stared up at the kind sky I was reminded of this sensation I had before of gratitude to belonging to Earth, Mother Earth, Gaiam.

I remember attending a meditation last week where everyone was extolling the fact that we are “star dust” sort of giving the feeling that we are spirits transcending Earth going beyond this meager Earthly dimension.  And then some ten years ago I attended a spiritual retreat in Hawaii where the leader had discussed discovering whether one was a mere “human being” unawakened and part of this daily mundane human existence, or possibly a awakened being born of Mother Earth.  And then he went on further to describe a smaller select group who might discover that they are beings beyond Earth, that they are beings of the Universe, once again a sense of rising above, being better than, being greater than this meager, finite, and mundane existence on planet Earth.  So all this is consistent with this feeling that the path to resolution, salvation, a calming, is an intention to rise above it all, the financial worries, the physical ailments, even death and loss, because we are immortal spirits wearing sort of a temporary clothing of physical body.

But what I was reminded of today was something a bit more contrary to this spiritual feeling.  Today I embraced my ordinariness in physical body.  I was not a spirit in a physical body.  I was a physical body nothing more.  No more or less than the building I’m next to, the grass, the trees, the air, the clouds, the earth, the ants and my dog.  Every atom of me came from material of this Earth and so I felt one of this Earth.  I am truly a child and moving spiritual expression of this planet Earth.  And when I die I didn’t feel like I needed to rise above to live above this Earth.  No, I felt comfort in an idea that I am actually my physical body and when I die I will decay and become part of this planet Earth possibly in parts to be resurrected in other physical forms  … or not.  I have been, currently am and will be a piece of the sunlight, the birds, the smell, the dirt, the grass, the cat, the people, the trees, the streams, the clouds, the vast sky and every aspect of everything that has been and will be of this wonderful, safe, sacred planet Mother Earth. And being simply just of the dirt in the ground and not having to aspire to be anything more was so comforting.  I don’t have to rise above.  I can actually just sink down and exist and be of the dirt.  So comforting.

And strangely in this acceptance, or more like drinking in of this mundane human existence I felt a bliss of the kind that seemed to match the bliss when I’ve talked about “touching into the Source”.  I wasn’t trying to tap into something “special” but sort of in a way “giving up” and surrendering to the imperfect and vulnerable daily existence of just one tiny person amongst so many other things and creatures on this planet.  I’m no one special, I tried to be, but I give up.  And in that giving up while sitting on a grassy hill side with my dog sitting by my side as we both watch the final minutes of the day waste away I felt comforted, I felt ordinary, and I felt bliss.

I haven’t put in an entry in this blog in a while.  I’ve been holding out until I had something unique, inspirational or worthy of posting an entry.  The intent of a blog is like writing into my personal journal only having the guts to put it out there for the world to see.   There’s a bit of trying to get attention.  But you know at this time I’d rather hide and not be noticed. So that’s some of the reasons I’ve been avoiding putting an entry into this blog.  I guess it’s a matter of shame.

But then again if I view the world as a mirror of my soul and all it’s hopes, dreams and inner turmoil, then maybe it is good to just bare it all, be vulnerable, and look stupid.  So enough rambling and let me get started and try traveling thru my personal shame and terror.

The thing that’s becoming clearer is that there is something within me that is genuinely terrified of being seen.  That I will be annihilated by the very nature of your eye contact with my bare soul.  And so I can’t dare show you the fullness of my vulnerability.  And then when I hide or mask that vulnerability, then I start to feel ashamed of being weak and inadequate as I’m witnessed in my state of hiding.  It sounds a bit confusing and it is.  So this paragraph is my moment of lack of good judgement as I start to reveal myself in the fullness of imperfection, unknowing, shame, and hurt.

So surrounding all this is a reality where I more often sense a background sensation of great physical naseua, like I need to literally vomit to clear my system.  I feel a great inner crying.  I feel a great inner terror. I feel a great inner sadness and loneliness.  And lately I’m feeling rather burnt out, probably partly due to putting a bit too many 80 plus hour work weeks in a row.

Lately, I’ve been really slowing down and trying to sink into my feelings.  Trying to nurture and heal this “somethings not right” that’s within me. But the really interesting thing is this: Now when I allow myself to sink into this state of deep emotional depression, my sinuses clear up?!  I remember several instances over the course of several years where an allergist commented that my nostrils were always partly closed, meaning I was always existing in some minimum background level of an allergic reaction.  I grew up as a child being plagued by life threatening allergies.  Then with years and years of weekly allergy injections I grew healthier.  I saw allergists less and less often as they identified the next pollen strain I was allergic to and they concocted the right serum mixture to induce the proper immunity within my system.

But I remember that a few years ago when I had gone back to see an allergist and went thru the usual rounds of allergic reaction tests, they concluded that there was no clear cause for some recent asthma attacks when I was doing physical exercise.  So there was no longer an allergy injection they could give me to counter the effects of the unknown cause.  Frustrated I tried my best to moderate my exercise to not flare up my asthma.  And then for no reason there was no more asthma regardless of my exercise activity level. I chalked it up to maybe just my increased fitness level overcoming some yet to be diagnosed allergy and I forgot about it.  But what did stick in my mind is that I’ve always still had some background low level of an allergic reaction that keeps me from being able to breath thru my nose comfortably.

But now with my recent feeling bad and then allowing myself time to really sink into that “feeling bad” my sinuses have opened up and I have been breathing really well thru my nose.  I could actually keep my mouth closed and get all the comfortable air that I needed just thru my nose. Wierd.

Then a couple of days ago I was listening to someone share some of their struggles and insights into their personal life.  I was feeling bad and a bit overwhelmed and unable to fully support that person in my listening.  And as I sank into that “bad feeling” state I started seeing feint blue lines of light on parts of their body.  Those of you not familiar with Barbara Brennan’s books, the 1st level of human energy aura is described as looking like a network of blue lines.  However, in my case the blue lines were not as uniform and linear as shown in the illustrations of Barbara’s books, but were almost patterned like the nonlinear netting of blood vessels.  It’s just I’ve never seen these before until this last time where I sank into this “feeling bad” sensation.  So a small part of me thought this was kind of neat.

So do I think being able to see blue lines of light and being able to breath thru my nose is worth the price of feeling quite bad?  Probably not.  But I’d say I’m not trying to feel bad.  It’s that I realize that there is this something that’s always been in the background and that I’ve maybe always been able to numb myself to and ignore.  I guess now the time has emerged in which I can consider not ignoring it, face it and fall into it.  The side effects could be being able to breath thru my nose and seeing blue lines.  It could also be falling into patterns of emotional eating and putting on more blankets of body weight to sooth that background ache that’s ringing louder and louder each day.

Maybe this is what is meant when someone started coining the phrase “spiritual warrior”, because right now it’s really hard work.  It makes me feel naseaous.  I feel bad.  I feel sad. I feel scared.  But as I witness myself overall I seem to be OK.  I remember someone walking up to me while I was in the midst of feeling bad and saying to me at that moment that something about me looks so much more here and present than ever.  So somehow I’m on a path where when I’m feeling pretty darn terrible I’m also looking better.  What gives?

 

I feel kind of disappointed with myself for not having blogged for so long.  There have been several points in the past couple of months that I could have blogged about something, but I instead chose to record it in my journal so that maybe I could get a better handle on it.  But more times than not I never even wrote in my journal.  I chose to write nothing because the act of writing my thoughts interferes with the thought process itself.  So dear reader … how few of you that may actually be out there, I apologize for not writing very much.  I apologize for ferreting some my own things for myself and not for you the reader to witness.  So here is my checkin for what’s been happening in the past couple of months.

I had been much more aware of a physical pain in my physical heart. If anything I would have described as a noticeable weakness or vulnerability in the center of my heart.  But more recently the condition was exacerbated when I went to a Taiko drumming workshop.  After 5 minutes of drumming I was stunned.  my arms were a little achy, but I was breathing hard, and my heart muscles were sore!  I had always attributed such a sensation to my heart getting a good work out.  But for only 5 minutes of beating on a drum, something that is overall less taxing then running hard on a treadmill, I was kind of disturbed. I thought “I’m really out of shape.”  But it wasn’t the “I’m going to look overweight, fat and flabby” kind of out of shape.  No this time it felt more like “I’m going to get a heart attack and die” kind of out of shape.  I’m not being sarcastic.  I’m nearing 46 and its always been around the late 40s and early 50s that relatives in my family have suffered from some kind of life threatening cardiac related disorder and so the risk factor is very real for me.

I did more research on the internet on the topic of heart fatigue.  The general answer was there was no such thing as heart muscles getting fatigued and tired.  Heart muscles should be capable of working forever.  If a heart muscle starts to feel fatigue heart damage is considered.  And the idea of heart damage did resonate with me.  But just the same there still exists the general voice that exists that the goal of an aerobic exercise is to make your heart work harder to make it stronger.  So some level of heart fatigue would seem to be a good thing.

So I concluded that I was out of shape and needed to get back into some minimum level of aerobic exercise.  So the day after I went Taiko drumming I went out on a short run around a local school track. I recall finishing the run with a slight asthmatic reaction to the cold outdoor weather combined with possibly some air pollen. Then I came back home and within an hour both my eyes were swollen and blown out red with an extreme allergic reaction.  It was very severe and frightening.  But I bring this up because I somehow want to connect this to my heart’s condition.

The center of my heart was feeling a definite and profound ache.  And as I write this blog entry it’s now becoming clearer that something there really wanted my attention.  My deep attention. Not just a general feeling, but many hours of deep, careful and precise attention.  I felt my heart tissue was indeed damaged, in fact slightly perforated so that it was steadily hemorrhaging blood.

So I spent a couple of hours trying to carefully and accurately draw how my heart was feeling and drawing how the blood was hemorrhaging.  I was very attentive on accurately drawing how it felt.  Below is my drawing.

Drawing of how my heart sort of feels physically

And then after a day, you know what? …  the bleeding sensation went away!  The physical soreness, fatigue and ache in my heart went away. Not sure what more to say, except that the true healing is not in the attempts to fix something, but more just with that feeling, and honoring of that that feeling with an expression of art.

 

 

 

So this past week I’ve come to realize that I’ve been “off” within me.  I can’t quite fully explain it, but I would either be edgy or thoroughly exhausted or both without any clear reason. Maybe, it was just part of my adjustment after my return from my recent week at BBSH in Miami.

This past weekend I had a couple of subtle yet profound experiences.  I remember either early morning or late night thinking about sex, and somehow I dozed off briefly and this person flashed briefly in my head and heart and challenged me to hold off and climb thru to the “other side”.  And then suddenly I was filled with anticipation and excitement over crossing over to “the other side” into something more exciting than sex.  I didn’t just believe it, I could feel it.  It was like being a little kid and bursting with anticipation to start off on a new adventure into some wondrous new place.  I couldn’t see the other side.  I don’t think I actually crossed over, but I could feel the chills of excitement all thru me just before the entrance. And it felt giddy!  Actually even days later as I write this I can still feel it, and have this vague concept of some type of “opening” that’s located above belly level that one can climb or jump thru. Sort of like maybe a window in the wall.  You open up the window to get to the outside, but you have to climb up a bit to get thru the window.

I think some feelings I’ve had that were connected to the idea of “crossing over” was a realization that many years have passed and that many people that I have looked up to as mentors, teachers or role models, have either passed on or are in the later years of their physical life on Earth.  I was once a child and now I’m entering the center of adult hood, where others will be looking to me and my peers to set the template and example for others to follow.  And those that once set the template and example for me, I sense are entering a phase of returning to less and less responsibility and claiming more and more play and remembrance time.  They are returning in ways returning to the kids they once were.  They are relinquishing the control and role in this physical world they no longer need in preparation to “crossing over”.

To those who have paved the way before me, I honor you deeply and feel compelled to say your job is done and I thank you for a job well done and served.  Thank you. Thank you. Namaste.

To those who I am paving the way for, I honor you for being so brave to enter this journey, not knowing for sure the perils, twists, ups and downs that still await you. I love you.

To me for not quite knowing what I’m getting into, but still accepting however is, whatever is … even when there are many times when I don’t feel like I’m qualified, that I’m up to it, or that I’m enough.  To still be willing.  I honor myself. I cherish myself.  I love myself.

And in the mix of these words all I can say is there is this undeniable feeling of happiness and excitement about this “crossing over”  It’s so beautiful. I haven’t seen it with my eyes, but I feel it in my heart, speak it thru my mouth and hear it in my ears.  I almost want to cry.

The other part of this experience I’ve been having is best described as a strong desire to ground myself.  It’s no longer just a good thing to do, but it feels like a vital necessity, like an urge to drink cool water after feeling exhausted from dehydration. And it’s not simply just a grounding into the Earth, but sort of a grounding into myself.

On a Sunday morning I remember waking up wide-awake, but exhausted from this thirst to ground.   And so I found myself a small spot in a room that had some direct sunlight and I just sat on the floor.  Initially, I meditated with my eyes close, but more I just sat there on the ground, eyes open and just sank.  It was like I had been floating apart from my body and now I was just taking the time to stop running around and allow my spirit to fall back and embrace my body. But it felt like a long endless fall not just into my legs, but a falling into each of my cells, and to ever deeper dimensions within me.

And as I sat I kept on falling.  I marveled at the beauty of the familiar dirt and dust on the window, some of the chipping paint on the nearby wall, and the sunbeam lit stream of dust particles dancing around before me.  It was so real, like I had always remembered it was when I was a kid, maybe like it was when I first cross over during my birth as a child.   So so beautiful this Earth.

And I kept relaxing again, and again, and again, and again.  Forever falling deeper into simply just being.  It was like being exhausted and collapsing into the most comfortable bed, and as every minute passes you’re still too exhausted to lift your head and you just collapse deeper and release and surrender over and over and over again.  I did not want to get up.  I was still falling.  My breathing started to slow down.  And sometimes I would literally stop breathing as I fell into another release and then I would spontaneously catch a deep exhilerating breath for fresh air deep deep deep into the bottom recesses of my sacrum.

These two experiences I had of “crossing over” and “falling into me” were so much connected.  It felt so good.  So so so nourishing.  So so so necessary.  I want to be there always.

I’ve become conscious of an undercurrent of feeling like I need to do things to make myself feel enough of a “good” person to show my face to the world.  Like this feeling that has been around for every Christmas that my worth is based upon the gift I give to others. And to those I don’t impress with my gifts or even worse I don’t offer a gift, I feel deep shame.  I feel “I am not enough” and I feel like a “bad person” and I feel “bad, disconnected and exhausted.”

And as I closed my eyes and fell again, and felt the presence of the “crossing over” I felt a voice say to me “You Have Done Enough. You need not do any more.  Let go.  Fall.  Let down.  Breath into your life.  Soak into the quenching of your thirst. You have done enough. Worry no more. You have done enough. You are enough.  There is no more to be done.  I love you.  Just be.

To you who are reading this now, for whatever you feel like you need to do or accomplish, take time to just let it all drop. Take time to fall into you. You are loved just the way you are.

A few weeks ago I had a very relaxing time on a cruise to Bermuda.  I came to really appreciate the times I had alone in my cabin, lying on the bed, just staring out at the beautiful sky, clouds, sunshine and ocean.  The ship was always gently swaying, and I just did not feel like moving.  And then there were moments of touching the Source within my heart and I was in bliss.  Just thinking of that moment now I’m in bliss and almost want to stop writing.

🙂   …………………………………………………………………………………………. 🙂

But I really wanted to write about the undercurrents of something very bothersome, while I was in Bermuda.  I really could’t quite place it with my mind, but I could certainly feel in my heart.  I think that this blissful time, space and opportunity allowed me to unfold more, which was good.  But in the unfolding I think some suppressed emotions of anger, resentment, and even fury were starting to get a chance to loosen and stir up.  These were old and stale emotions very divorced from the facts of the past that created them.  So I could find myself in the emotional state of feeling bothered, annoyed, or angry and not be able to offer an explanation.  I mean I could use my logic and force out a logical explanation and say something like I’m angry because ” … I was deeply betrayed when … ” or  ” …. they were so mean and cruel to me back when … ” .   But no worded logical explanation seemed right.  The most accurate statement was I was experiencing unsettling of pure emotions and that’s all.

My unsettling emotions were a bit like the emotions of a child’s temper tantrum.  It’s sort of like the following kind of conversation.

“Hi Honey.  Do you want some ice cream?”

Child: “No!”

“But you like ice cream”

Child: “No!”

“Do you not want ice cream?”

Child: “No!”

“Do you want to talk?”

Child: “No!”

“So you do not want to talk?”

Child: “No! No! No!”

“What’s bothering you?”

Child: “No! No! No!”

So that about describes my under current of this emotional crabbiness.  There’s no reasoning.  Well the adult me could chose to reason things out, but I recognize that reasoning is really ignoring and not listening to the child.  And so I’ve dared myself to just sit and sulk into that child and voice and “feel” whatever he says or doesn’t say. There is no semblance of logical talk, just the honesty of the emotions that make perfect sense without the need for words.  That in these deeper lower emotions words only distort things.

In Bermuda I was allowed to cook in this stew of feeling bothered.  It wasn’t until my drive back home from my vacation that the unleashed emotions started to flare up further into life.  It was clear that there was inner turmoil.  There were parts of me at odds with each other.

During the weeks that followed I have become more aware of my crabbiness and I have chosen to observe it, in amazement.  There’s been more than one occasion that I’ve said to myself: “Wow you are one mean, angry and crabby person … I wouldn’t want to hang around you.”  and another voice within might say “Fuck off!”  And I’d be amazed. “Whoa!”  I found myself less concerned of what other people might think of me.  Yes you might not like me anymore, but it is what it is.

I found myself really intrigued with myself.  This was not like me.  It’s almost like I was observing myself saying: “Who is this person?”  But rather than trying to pull myself together and pull myself back into line, I chose to sulk, be bitter, and be uncooperative.  I gave myself more time to sink deeper into emotions and could really feel the boil.  And in this boiling state I found myself angry and not wanting to be around some people that love me.

And then here’s where the turmoil kicked in.  At the same time I did not want to be around some people, I could simultaneously disparately crave closer intimacy with them.  It makes no sense, but is so familiar in a vague way.  At times it was like I was saying: “Hey you, I couldn’t give a damn if you never come back; just make sure you’re back in time for dinner”  … “I hate you, go away, leave me alone but don’t be out long and come back soon.”

“Hi Honey; do you want company?”

Child: “No.”

“So do you want to be left alone?”

Child: “No.”

. . . . . . . .      . . . . . . . .

And then I hear one more expression

Child: “I just want to be loved.”

Wow. Hmm?  And I’m back in amazement of these complex inner voices that make up me. And so this is the crux of my current crabby state of me that’s not supposed to be like me, but really is me.  This is crabby state uncovered and released to me by a beautiful relaxing time alone in long states of bliss rocking gently in cruise ship to and from Bermuda.

It’s all OK.

 

Lately I’ve noticed a flurry of fairly frequent thunderstorms. They seem to occur almost everyday and more than once a day. They seem a bit unusually frequent and in some ways reflect the discordance within my psyche.  When I was growing up, I’d say a key part of my self-esteem was the knowledge that there were some things that I could do much better than other people.  I’m not the best in everything, but there is one special niche that I’m the best.  And when I’m there I feel good.  But I’d say over the past few years I’ve been struggling in this area.  And this struggle I’m finding is a key thing in my life.

From my teens all the way up thru my late 30’s, I always thought of myself as an exceptional computer technologist.  Starting at the age of 15 I was a computer geek spending hours and hours programming for the fun of it.  I wired together my own digital circuitry in junior high school.  It wasn’t until my freshman year as an Electrical Engineer in Villanova University that I got to read texts showing me what I already knew how to do in junior high school.  I was a techie nerd thru and thru.  Steve Jobs, the founder and CEO of the company Apple, once described the spread of talent in the world of computer software professionals being a 200 to 1 ratio between the most talented minds to the least talented; meaning a top notch computer programmer could outdo the work of up to 200 other lesser capable programmers combined.  I can’t say I was one of those 200 to 1 talented computer geniuses, but I was probably at the 50 to 1 level.  At least that was what I thought.  Yeah, I guess I had a big head.

And then back in late 2009, I found myself on the brink of getting layed off and my knowledge of computers entirely in question. In fact there was a period in which I felt I was the least talented in computers; a techie dunce.  In fact I started to doubt my ability to operate a DVD player.  And when that happened I felt and thought: “I don’t know anything about computers.  What am I good for?!”  Eventually, I was to find employment again based upon someone else’s belief that I was very good at computers and I guess it’s turning out that I’m pretty good at computers; maybe even very good … possibly a lot better than most.  Hmmm is this a familiar pattern?

In this example I went thru periods of thinking I was one of the best in the business to thinking it was all a fluke and maybe I was one of the worst.  I bring up this point to highlight the fact that when you think you’re the best, it’s also got the trappings of you’re not enough, in fact possibly the belief that you are the worst.  In one of Barbara Brennan’s books she introduces the concept that when one starts feeling superior they are also starting to feel inferior.  At first these concepts sound contradictory.  How can being the best be the same as being the worst?

At first blush it’s because when you achieve that state and feeling of being the best, it’s only a momentary high, that starts to get filled with fear and peril. Because once you’ve achieved the best, it seems there’s little room to get better, unless you work progressively harder and harder.  You feel the pressure to hold up expectations of being the best, and it seems that the odds of you slipping off your pedestal only increase with time.  And so you question the worth of what you achieved.  You wonder if it was only a fluke, pure luck.  In the end a fall from the pedestal of the best can make you feel like the worst.  A deeper look at the state of feeling the best comes out when you ask the question of why you think you are the best.  It will inevitably be, because you can point to some tangible award, accomplishment or achievement that in comparison to others is the highest, the best.  The fact of the matter you must point to things, achievements and accomplishments.  Which is to clearly stress the point that if it weren’t for the concrete proof of the wining, achieving, or accomplishing then there’d  be nothing but just plain old you.  Imagine you, stripped of everything you could be proud of.

What if you were stripped of the ability to point to any accomplishment, achievement, even anecdote that proved you were better than others? What if all you could say is that you exist.  You can show no accomplishments.  You are just a human.  You can walk, talk, breath, eat, drink and sleep.  Sometimes you get angry.  Sometimes you get scared.  Sometimes you are happy. Sometimes you are sad.  Nothing fancy.  Nothing amazing.  Nothing impressive.  Now tell me about your worth?

In some fairly humbling and humiliating events in my life, I’ve come to know that I am worth because …  I exist, period.  All the accomplishments and achievements are merely the trappings of fluff that so easily draw me to make conclusions that I’m better or worse than another person, when really the only thing I can say is “I just am” and that’s actually saying a lot.  It’s not about the accomplishments, it’s not about your title, it’s not about how much money you make, it’s not about the things you own or don’t own, it’s not about the famous people you know, it’s not about how much fame you have that determines your worth.  In fact nothing determines your worth.  You simply are worth just because you exist.  You are so very important. No need to prove.  No need to show.  Period.  End of story.

So easily said. Maybe a bit less easy to believe.  And much harder to internalize emotionally and spiritually.  A sign that I know I’m entering the zone of “not good enough” is when I enter that feeling of “wow, I’m really really good”   When I start to think I’m better than others.  When I start feeling very confident and superior.  The warning flag goes up that when I’m feeling superior it’s really just a cover for my feeling of inferiority — despite the fact that my ego generally doesn’t believe this.

And so over the past few weeks I’ve been more cognizant of feelings of superiority and feeling quite bothered by them.  And emotionally, it’s like some part of me gets a charged ego cloud, and then a countering critical voice says: “stop getting a big head” and it’s like a grumbling of thunder and lightening emerge in this inner struggle of me fighting to be the best, recognizing that being the best is the flip side of being the worst, and then struggling of how to rise about this dimension of ego. And sure enough in the very midst of that feeling of superiority I get struck by a lightening spark of inferiority.  It could be me starting off reading about a child hood friend.  Initially, I scoff:

“Man I was definitely way better than that person.  Boy he was really struggling with his direction in life.  Boy he’s still clueless”

And then I read more about that person’s life and the superior voice inside me also goes:

“Wait. He got his own book published and I didn’t, wait he has kids and I don’t, wait he’s got his own business, he looks so happy … but I’m better right?  But if I’m envious of the person I’m better than, than what does that make me ….”

And then that voice starts to defend my self esteem trying it’s best to knock down the accomplishments of that other person with word like:

“Well.  You know anyone can publish a book.  You just have to put up the money for a book printer to print out books.  Now selling a book is another story. Now if his book was selling well that would be something.  So he’s not really that great.”

And then the final neurotic critical voice of:

“Geez, Wilson.  Look at you.  You are really stooping low.  What does that make you?”

And then I settle into a more compassionate voice of:

“Why are you feeling so not enough, Wilson?  Looks like you could sure use a hug.”

Superior or inferior.  It kind of always has this bitter taste that I want to get out of my system … lest I start beating up myself.

There are times that I feel superior and it’s not that far from those times I feel envious of others and feel less.  It tosses up skirmishes of “Geez, I’m better than him or her. I could do that.  I should be there”  And then counter sparks of “Geez Wilson you’re so superficial. A true better person would rise above that and actually feel so happy for them.”  And then I drop down into self disappointment.  So I try to just sit with it for a while and let those voices speak out, like sparks of lightening and thunder.  I try not to escape and rise above it all so that I can pretend that I am not capable of being so petty. And then when I feel like I need some healing I go back to some of the glimpses I’ve had.

Some of my glimpses of how to heal within this this state of superiority/inferiority have come in  moments in where I can sit within the embrace of divine love.  Some times it’s in a meditation.  Sometimes it’s in a energy healing session either as healer or client.  Sometimes it’s just simply being present listening to another friend.  When I can just connect with other people and just be so touched by their story and struggle.  When I have been in awe of their humanity, in all it’s vulnerability and have so few words to say.   In that state where I’m sort of speechless, the talk of “Guess what Wilson do you hear what that person accomplished?”  or “Why aren’t you happy for the other person?” seem to fade into the background of meaningless gibberish.  In that state it’s just:Wow.  I didn’t know you were You.  Wow.  I’m so glad to truly see You.And that’s the state where I am able to internalize that I am worth simply because I exist and you are worth simply because you exist, and just being present is enough. Understand though I’m often not in this “divine love” state.  But I’m glad to be there more and more often, or at least know the healing effects for me when I can take myself there.

So I’d like to get more of those glimpses of eye raising sunshine in the midst of storm clouds and thunderstorms that emerge within me.  But for the moment it seems that somethings being touched within me that is causing a lot of thunderstorms, and pretty loud ones, as I guess I’m flushing out the struggles from self worth, to superiority to inferiority and eventual surrender to absolute love.

Everytime I think I’ve got a handle on it, in some ways I’m only fooling myself because the very act of trying to get a handle on it is just me trying to get back to winning over my feelings of insecurity.  I guess I’m scared to let myself admit that I’m not so OK, for fear of falling forever. But I guess it’s going to be here, when I can allow myself to fall flat on my face, look like a total fool(at least from my perspective), and dare sit in the void of feeling worthless, that I will start to reclaim me, beautiful me, the part that I can’t see because of … well I’m not quite entirely sure yet.

And so I hope to be more OK in admitting that I’m not so OK, and to know that not being OK is really OK, in fact it’s actually better than OK.  And declaring that you’re OK because you feel you are capable of acting OK, even though inside you’re feeling no so well, is not … well … actually … is also OK.  It’s all OK, it’s all human, it’s all quite vulnerable, it can be quite scary and it can all be so very confusing.

 

Last night I saw the show Miss Saigon and I’ve never been so moved before. And I was often moved in some scenes that I didn’t seem to quite make sense that I’d cry. Partly, I’d say it was just a superb expression of emotion and the complexity of humanity. But maybe partly it’s because as a person I’m becoming more sensitive to the beauty of the human condition. There was one scene in the show where Kim, the “damsel”, is confronted by her cousin, Thuy, who has come to claim her hand in marriage as promised by her parents years earlier. Kim reveals that she has had a son with an American GI and Thuy goes into a fit of rage. Things quickly get out of control, Thuy looks as if he’s about to kill Kim’s son, and Kim shoots Thuy in defense of her son. And then Kim is devastated and mourns over Thuy’s body. It is a powerful display of how the most noble expression of pure genuine love and vulnerability can at the same time be a devastating blow of hurt, and not that far away from being something horrifying and even despicable. And when you see the full story of those that at first seem despicable and horrible you can find understanding, compassion, even admiration. It’s all so very complicated.


So this morning as I meditated I scanned thru my turmoiled emotions. In Norway, an act of major act of violence has occurred involving the killing of over 70 people. The killer’s publications suggest some anti-Muslim intentions, but you quickly see a disturbed voice, even a psyche that is crying out to be heard despite being so long ignored. For me I found myself wanting to sense the meaning of this act on a global humanity consciousness level rather than as the isolated act of one individual.

I’m deeply saddened that a human had to resort to committing this terrible act. Why? Why? Why? And what will be the repercussions as it stirs up hurt, fear, devastation and counter anger emotions. And then how will those emotions ultimately be expressed or repressed?

I feel for all the dark voices out there. They are dark because we refuse to see or acknowledge them. At first we might be drawn to scan out to the global consciousness and inquire if something is happening to humanity. “Who has been wronged and can we right the wrong?” “Who feels hurt, ignored, and shunned and how can we heal them?” “How can we fix the pain before it has to explode?” And despite being such a compassionate cause to go this line of thinking, it all gets very complicated because the very act of doing something to fix or correct something from one person’s point of view will seem to cause hurt and suffering to some other person. The very act of trying to fix something is an act of judging that something is wrong with it. It seems that at best one can do is just sit in the midst of this frustration and just know that we are all human and know what it feels to be human, and accept how it so often doesn’t make any sense, and it goes beyond the capability of human reasoning. And the very act of sitting in the presence of those dark voices and nothing more is the most direct form of healing there is.

And so in my meditation under the gaze of the sun rising to bring in a new day, I bring my attention back to myself and my inner emotions. For what I have learned in my spiritual journey and in my training as an energy healer is that it’s not about “doing” it’s about “being” And in that being I begin to see the connection between who I am and how I feel within myself as a human and it’s reflection in others and the rest of the world around me. In other words the key to healing the unheard voices in the world that eventually break out into violent expression, is for each of us to heal the unheard voices within ourselves. And the healing is generally in the mere act of being quiet and patient and earnestly listening and feeling each spot in our bodies that doesn’t seem to feel quite right, but is generally more convenient to just ignore.

In meditation I can hear a critical voice say: “you’re mind is chattering too much … bring your attention back to the breath … you’re not being a good meditator” and then hear the counter critical voice of “stop being judgmental… that’s not very spiritual” And then I rise above and simply witness the chatter, actually encourage and allow the chatter to go thru and I give these critical voices permission to complain all they want. I hold them in love and know that to judge them is to suppress them, but to just listen to them and hold them in love simply because they exist, to let them know that they are like lost children of my soul that I so gratefully want to bring to light.

I visualize my healing of all these emotions within me like a clearing and dissipating of scattered pockets of dark storm clouds within my psyche. And then I see how my clearing of these clouds within me might also be clearing similar clouds in the skies of the global consciousness encircling Earth.

In the end each of you are so so important. Every aspect of you. And actually, most importantly those darker sides of you that you are afraid to show and acknowledge. Take more time to sit and do nothing and just be, listen and hold each dark part of you in love. Grant them the patience to come out and voice whatever and however they want. They don’t need to voice aloud, they only need to voice in the safe container of your body with your patient inner ear listening intently to the voice that is ultimately just you. All the voices are valid because they exist. All the voices are loved because they exist.

And I back away knowing that the dark unheard areas that are within me are being heard because I’m being compassionate to myself. I am basking in my own love. I am really grateful to have such a loving and patient me. I can feel like myself around myself. And somehow when I do this inner loving it’s also loving the rest of the world. In a way I believe the moment that I have healed all my inner wounds, so will the rest of humanity on Earth have been healed. The theme of the struggle within one bears commonality to the theme of the struggle of all.

And so I find myself able to look at humanity, despite all the violence and destruction that seems to occur, feel so moved to say to all of you: “I Love You.” I say “I Love You” most especially those that are judged as having dark motivations, I most especially say “I love you” I want to see you. I’m not saying this to the violent explosive outbursts that occur, but more on the so many more precursors to those outbursts, to the so many moments building up over many years of a person’s lifetime of having parts of them unheard, invalidated and feeling unfairly dismissed. These are the parts I say “I love you” I want you to be heard because you are important. You are important because you exist.

Please don’t hide away. I want you to be seen. I want you to be heard. I love you.

So I thought I’d share my experiences the day following my prior post.  Previously I was describing how I got a “wake up call” at my workplace with an email with language expressing how people were either greatly disappointed or upset with me.  It made me feel really bad and then evoked fear as I would have to face some of these people in future meetings in the coming days.  Then on the day I was preparing to get confronted with some of the potentially upset people in a couple of my meetings something odd happened and I wanted to share.

I remember waking up early morning dreading to head out to work.  I so badly wanted to call in sick as my stomach was feeling bad. But I knew if I did that I’d postpone the inevitable confrontations that needed to be made at my workplace.  That in fact postponing it would make things worse as I’d have to stress out for several more days waiting in anticipation.  In someways it’s a bit like way back when we were all in school and preparing for a really difficult final exam.  On the day of the exam we’d almost wish it would get postponed, but then again we just wanted to get it over with.

So then when I arrived at my office, I looked over my calendar and reviewed the times of two particularly stressful meetings I was about to have.  Actually, stressful is an understatement, they were terrifying. So for about half an hour I was panicking. But then suddenly something wierd happened. It was like something subtle infiltrated my cells and I wasn’t trembling, I wasn’t as scared.  The facts of what I was about to face remained the same.  Yes my meetings would remain just as challenging and stressful as they were before, but it was almost like some invisible force just injected me with a “protection” drug and I felt OK.

No more were there voices in me crying “AAAHHHH, Oh my God!!!” Now the voices were suddenly saying “Well, I got a job to do.  It will be challenging but just be totally honest and address the issues or questions as they come.  It will all be OK, no matter what happens.  If a team member gets upset with me and vents that’s OK, it’s just part of being a human.”   So I was still feeling the fear, but it was suddenly and noticeably dampened.  It was just all OK.

This sensation that came over me defies words to properly describe, except to call it “Grace.”  One might think that this calmness that overcame me was the result of sound psychology with me trying to challenge the negative voices with logical and positive thoughts.  No.  Here clearly no amount of psychological self talk helped.  I can only explain it as a feeling of security spontaneously that came over me.  And once I recognized it a feeling of tremendous gratitude welled up inside of me.  And I said “Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!”

And my two stressful meetings came and went.  Yes they were both challenging.  But as I was in the meetings there were times I became an observer of the words I was saying.  At times my words seemed glib, and I would think to myself “wow that was well said Wilson”  All the thoughts I wanted to express, were expressed. Nothing was forgotten.  My vocabulary was fully intact.  And everyone else seemed far far less upset then I originally feared.  Everything turned out fine.

Afterwards, I breathed a sigh of relief that a stressful day came and went, that I survived and that in fact things were not as bad as I feared.  But even more importantly my emotions were not as bad as they could have been because the Power of “Grace” came over me.

So last week I finished my first year of BBSH (Barbara Brennan School of Healing). There’s a concept that all students are familiar with and that is the concept of contraction following a full week of emersion in the immensely healing and supportive template of the students and teachers at the school.  Each week back I’d say my contractions have been easier, so I was sort of expecting this time back from the final week of school would have been a breeze.  So like an over confident student I sauntered from school, to a plane back to Delaware, and right back into days of intense business meetings.  And I almost danced right thru it and then I got a sucker punch in an email from one of my several bosses at work.  I mean objectively it wasn’t that bad, but I still couldn’t help feel ashamed and defeated. Well to be deeply honest, I felt really ashamed, defeated and even quite scared.

The timing seemed to come out of nowhere.  And in the end because of the manner it came so unexpectedly and almost didn’t seem to make sense, it also seemed to have an element of divine intervention.  Like this was yet again a well timed poke at me using just the right words to feed into the critical voices in me that conclude that I am a “bad person”

It is very interesting all the subtle avenues to sucker punch me into that “bad person” feeling.  If someone said “I’m really angry with you Wilson”  That’s one thing.  But when someone applies some kind of social label to what I did it becomes elevated to a higher standard.  If you label me “rude” or just “inappropriate” it feels no longer the mere opinion of one person, but rather a fact based upon all of humanity.  At least that’s how I take it in emotionally.  So if you don’t tell me your emotions but instead label my actions as “rude”, “immoral”, “inappropriate”, “disgusting”, “dishonorable”, “most disappointing”, “subpar” then it’s like God declaring me “bad” and abandoning me.  These are indirect sucker punches that to me say “you’re bad” and for me that’s often too painful to exist.

And so this past week back home in Delaware has been about realizing that I actually have been weathering a storm.  I just didn’t realize it until I got a sucker punch that’s making me really feel bad and lacking as a decent human being.

So far what has helped is, of course, the memory of my experiences at BBSH and all those so many cherished class mates who forever stunned me over and over again with expressions of unbelievable acceptance and approval.  Namaste, Namaste, Namaste, Shey – Shey, Shey – Shey,  Gracious, Mucho Gracious, Thank you, Thank You, is all I can say for the gift of seeing me once more.  I must admit right now I’m having difficulty seeing me again, but the evidence and data locked in too many brain cells are now too well intrenched. And they all sing for me.

And so even beyond the gift of those memories and the many more I hope to meet with, there still remains this pain of “I’m bad” “I’m scared”  and then the more adult persona that hides words of “I’m bad” with “I’m OK, I’m a grown up, but I should have done this better.  That was a poor performance thing you did.  Such a disappointment”.  And so with this complex dynamic of voices, opinions and emotions all stirring up underneath an adult ego shell of me pretending to look “OK I’m fine” in this every day world, I can only do one thing.

Accept them all.  I accept you voice that says “I’m bad”  I accept you critical voices that say “I should have …. or I shouldn’t of …”  Come out complain, criticize, blame, cry and speak your peace over and over again as much as you want.  I love you and accept you.  Come out all you dark, rejected, lost and forgotten aspects of me come out, I love you especially, because you have come out.  I love you all because you exist.  The ones that have done shameful things, think shameful thoughts, feel shameful emotions, act so less than what is expected of you, have or are failing, have or are becoming a big disappointment,  I love you especially most because you have spoken up or have come out and have asked to be seen.

Come now, Come now. I love you.  Come in my arms.  Let me Love you.  You are all so so so So especially precious.

And so in this place of integrated self love of all the parts of me.  I stand vulnerable, weak, but able to watch a future that might scare me, like watching a gigantic Tsumani wave a thousand feet high coming towards me ready to wipe me away.  I am powerless to defend.  Yet all is well.  I love you all.  I hear voices cry “I’m scared, I’m scared” and then I say to that voice “Oh so dear voice I love you, come here let me hold you!”  I will be with you all the way.

Love.

 

I have to apologize but I think I’ve been remiss in sharing that lately I think I’ve been coming in contact with the Source again.

I think I’ve been hessitant to share, because the connection is kind of fragile in a sort of “Quantum Mechanics” kind of way.  There’s a concept in science that the more closely you try to observe something the more you effect and influence what is happening.  So in some of my tentative but wonderful connections it was a decision to start writing what I was experiencing and in the distracting  act of writing  losing the experience or just forgo the writing and simply sitting in the bliss and ride it out, and hope I’d remember after the bliss is done to write about it.  In the end I always chose to ride it out and usually some other distraction came in and I was too busy doing something else to write what I experienced.

But here’s what I can share.  First of all I have to give much credit to a string of some spectacular weather.  Like today in particular is absolutely crisp, clear and stellar!  It is ripe with blissful energy.  It is ripe with possibility, hope, creativity, sexuality and excitement.  It is fertile ground to simply sink and be deeply grounded yet be showered from above by a glorious sun shine.

I’ve spent almost a year now learning as an energy healer the value of simply sinking deep in contact with the client, but even more importantly sinking in deep contact with myself and surrounding life.  And so now I’ve experimented with being in deep contact with my legs, my dog, a large rock, a tree, and even the concrete solidity of my apartment balcony.  Even the simple concrete balcony when I’m in contact with it, I can feel it and the entire building and even the entire Earth and it’s so indescribably immense and vast and solid.

And it allows me to really better appreciate the other levels of my existence. I’ve been coming into learning and internalizing the different levels of my existence.  In Barbara Brennan’s terminology, I exist primarily on 7 levels energetically.  Level 1 is a physical template level.  It’s mostly just about physical being and it’s a low frequency grounded level.  Level 2 is emotional and fluid and houses all my fears, emotional pain, good and bad feelings.  Level 3 is my mental level and it’s the analytic part that conceptualizes but also is prone to putting up critical voices and protective shells to protect me from the feeling the depths of the pain in level 2 or the fear of being on level 1.  Level 4, like level 2 is a fluid like level.  It is love. It feels great!  I’ve often hung around this level in my life.  Level 5 is a structured level and has connections to divine will.  Level 6 is another fluid/flowing kind of level and it is described as the realm of celestial/divine/unconditional/universal love.  It feels great here too! And then to enclose it all is Level 7 the outer golden shell of structure that houses our primary 7 levels of energetic being as spiritual beings on Earth.

What I’ve been lately doing is energizing levels 2, 4, and 6.  They are the 3 fluid levels and when you get them all going together it’s like WOOOOWWOWOWOW!!  But in a way so beautiful/gentle/gracious/glorious!  It’s not as pinpointy eurphoric.

as the source I had described it in my earliest blogs on touching the source, but more full.  It’s like getting an orgasm in your sexual region, in your heart region and in your head all together!  And so when I’m there I kind of don’t want to move, because it’s kind of really nice.  It makes me say I LOVE YOU to whoever you are.  YOU ARE ALL SO BEAUTIFUL!  I just want to be and lie, sit or stand here motionless for a very long time, soaking up the Sun, this moment

The 4th level always feels like the center feeling level that orchestrates it all.  It’s the true most humble center of love of meager simple being love.  The 6th celestial level of divine love is absolutely fantastically euphoric, but it still floats above the 4th where the truth of it all sits. I strongly sense the Source is from the 4th level and the 4th chakra regions.  The 2nd is the level of more mundane feeling most vulnerable to doubt, critical voices, fear, jealousy and so needs the love and acceptance of the 4th plus that occasional escape and glory of the 6th.  It could very well be that sexual orgasm is a moment at which a pinpoint of 6th level glory pokes thru into the 2nd level.

So for me in some of my recent sittings with myself (I guess you should call this meditation), I’ve found my self conversing thru the layers.  My 4th loves and accepts the 3rd mental level and all it’s critical voices and gains entry to coddle and warm the 2nd level.  The 2nd level learns to feel and accept the love.  The 3rd mental level starts to praise the 2nd level with positive thoughts now that it’s negative thoughts are embraced and accepted as OK by the 4th level of love and then I’m on the 6th celestial level with all it’s glory.  And it’s so nice to feel my 6th, 4th, and 2nd levels all in communion, humming in tune with each other.  And this is the current bliss I’m getting to know.  And this is my current, I guess, “touching the Source” set of experiences I wish to share with you my dear reader(s), whoever, whenever and wherever you are.

I’m not quite sure what’s been happening the past few weeks, but I guess there’s been an under current of uneasiness of things unsettling. Maybe it’s a bit like the tornadoes that seem to steadily taking up lives in the US, but sort of strangely and quietly in the back ground, yet not quite in the background.

Today I had a dream and in that dream I was recalling how I felt lacking in many areas, but there was one thing I could do and that was float through the air.  I generally kept this fact a secret because I didn’t want to freak people out by floating through the air like a spooky ghost, but I knew I could do this by will or sometimes it would be difficult to stop lifting off the ground.  However, it was kind of a neat ability because when things got hectic I could float, glide and fly quickly to get to wherever I needed to go.  I could fly very fast and skillfully.

And so in one of my many years of having this ability I found myself inside this house, which resembled a bit of my father’s house.  I thought about the fact that I usually only floated up to maybe ceiling height.  I then thought about flying up higher.  I step outside to the back yard where there was an opening of grass surrounded by woods. And then I started to float as I usually do.  But then as I rose I started to notice being bitten by mosquitos. And then some inner voice mentioned that my ability to float is connected with charging up my energy field, and as you do this more it attracts bugs like a light attracts bugs in the dark. That humans have varying levels of energy chargedness which more or less attracts bugs, which is why some people get bitten more than others.  Another insight was that a person’s stress or anxiety level factors into the static-ness of this charge.  The inner voice warned not to float and charge up so open like that.  As I started to float towards the top of the trees, maybe about 40 feet in the air, I really got attacked by bugs.  They were swarming and voracious, and so I quickly came down, and landed thoroughly exhausted.  It’s like they sucked my energy away.  I started to wonder the symbolic meaning in maybe that people in this world are mosquitos and when I shine my vulnerability, warmth and love, will they only suck me dry.

And then my eyes opened up.  I woke with the sunlight gleaming in my eyes.  I had been dreaming.  And then it struck me by shock.  I felt this horrifying realization: “You know what?  I don’t think I can float thru the air!”  But I was also shocked that I thought I believed I could fly through the air as well.  I heard this critical voice say: “Oh my God!  You have actually believed you could fly through the air since child hood!!”  It’s like a part of my memory banks were kept secret from my consciousness and for so many years for as long as I could remember I really could float and fly, in a Peter Pan like fashion.  But if I scan my conscious memory banks I have no evidence that I ever actually did float or fly.  But another part of my mind has always remembered that I could float and fly just as naturally as I could breath.  I was in total shock as both sides of my mind were shocked with the realization of the other.  The part that always knew I could fly was shocked to find out that I can’t fly.  But the part that had never seen me fly was shocked that I was so dellusional to actually believe I could fly and for over 40 years!

And then I sort of didn’t want to rise out of bed and report to my work place. I started to wish I was dead.  I heard this comforting voice somewhere ask: “Would you like me to take your life now?” and I said “Yes, take me now in bed!”  “But what about those that will miss you?”  and I said “It’s OK I’d rather wait for them on the other side.  I mean if I stayed here I’d only get to see some of them leave me, so I’d rather leave first now”

But I did rise out of bed.  I found my dog sprawled across the floor in the sunlight.  She really knows how to relax and that realization made me partly jealous but mostly happy.

I pull myself together.  A bit scared.  Lacking in some direction and intent. Not really wanting to live. I prepare to walk my dog and then slug out to work.

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So one area of the past several months I’ve been remiss on sharing are my experiences walking some labryinths. I mean I’d say a year ago it was at a Labryinth that brought about resolution in being with my surrender to a reality of failing to prevent my layoff. But in more recently I’ve found that my office in Wilmington is actually located across the street from a chapel that hosts a labryinth on Wednesdays.

It’s not a permanent labryinth, but one that has to be set up in the morning down in the chapel basement. So initially you’d think less of this labyrinth than one that is permanent and large like the one near the Delaware Art Museum. However, I remember stepping out of my office after a stressful meeting and stepping into Chapel and then following signs for the Labryinth down to the basement. And I was surprised to be met by a women sitting pleasantly and quietly at a table outside double doors to the room that contained the Larbryinth. She was a wonderful hostess who walked me into the room to describe the general guidelines to this room.

And it was then that I was taken back by the specialness of this temporary Labryinth. There was a prayer and intention table near the entrance of the Labryinth. Then another table with fresh pairs of socks for you to wear as you can’t wear shoes as the Labryinth is actually made out of fabric. They had lit electric candles around the perimeter of the Labryinth. At the back were glorious standing candleabras with real lit candles.

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And at the from perimeter were yet two more tables with real lit candles and two finger Labyrinths. Finally for completing the mood the lighting was dimmed and there was realistic sounds of Tibetan chants, wind chimes, and Tibetan bowls resonating throughout. In the center of the Labryinth were 4 Zabu cushions for meditaton.

So I walked this Labryinth and what I clearly felt was utter thankfulness for this time and space. All I can say is that on average it seems one can expect at least a full hour in serene and fulfilling solitude on a personal journey within this Labyrinth. This place speaks of abundance. I was absolutely floored by all this effort to put together this Labyrinth and setting of all this intention. I mean even along the walls of this basement room are lined rows of chairs and I swear you can feel the presence of guides and sages sitting there honoring your journey. I honored them. At each point where candles were along the perimeter you felt a presence. There were many in this room and you could feel their presence and it brought great support and peace. This was a place for me to feel gratitude, the kind that starts to trigger those euphoric sensations of “the Source” that I’ve mentioned in earlier posts. My chest starts to go into this heart orgasm state and I’m still, just basking in the moment.

I remember sitting in the center of this Labryinth on those Zabu cushions and was stunned by how comfortable my bottom felt. I could sit there for hours in bliss without moving. And for this being I am grateful, beyond what I could repay. In fact I understood and felt how my mere grateful feelings were repayment. In fact I could be grateful for the gift of feeling gratitude. I could be grateful to myself and feel the gratefulness from myself.

I think I will stop now. Peace be with you. I love you. I am with you. I am. I Love.

 

 

I was reading my last blog post and realized I must have been falling asleep towards the end! I initially thought I’d correct the gibberish I was writing towards the end of that post, but then I was sort of stunned by how the genuine the gibberish was. I mean if I tried to write that kind of gibberish you could tell I was faking it. This gibberish was real. So real that if you read it over and over again you might find the hidden subconscious message in between the words.

I wasn’t under the influence of anything, other than a cup of strong coffee to help me stay up late to do some work (obviously the coffee was not quite strong enough). I was literally drifting into my subconscious and so these words are possibly the least filtered expression of me. So I left the gibbberish in my last blog posting as is.

Anyone out there good at reading tea leaves? Read towards the end where I start talking about being addicted to coffee. Tell me what you read or sense when you read the ending portion of my previous blog posting.

So since my last blog entry in January I’ve been to the Barbara Brennan School of Healing two more times.  One of the key things I’m discovering about this school is that in many ways it’s indirectly making you a better healer.  What I mean is that the primary goal and activity of the school it turns out is often very little to do with any clients you deal with, but more about how you the healer will grow and heal yourself.  It’s like the basic principle is that if you can heal yourself and become really clear of life blocking issues, then clients in your mere presence will heal.

And so my times spent at one week long sessions at the Miami, Florida school location have clearly been about how to heal Wilson.  That means how to embrace all that life has to offer: the pleasurable stuff and the painful stuff.  And it also means how to express all that you have to offer: the kind stuff and also the nasty dark side of ourselves. In the end it’s all good.

So this past week I volunteered to put my guts out for my classmates and teachers to see.  They all got to push and prod my psyche until I was like a 5 year old little boy, super shy and scared standing in the middle of the room, yet at the same time the keep-it-together adult at times popping back in to suppress any hurt.  For me it was an exhausting 1.5 hour session of me really trying to resolve why I get socially anxious at times, yet then suddenly want lots of social contact.  I was hoping to uncover a long suppressed hurt and to cry it out, but in the end it was sort of a dissatisfying nothing.  But where it did end is in me understanding and knowing my child hood wound that didn’t so much express itself in tears but more in emotional numbness, in an area where I feel awkward and just don’t know how I feel.  Almost like I disappear, lose my attention and then suddenly regain my attention to possibly realize I just went unconscious into some day dream.

So this past weekend I started to adjust to taking the risk to not put in many unpaid hours of extra work for my employer.  And by Sunday evening the guilt started to hit me and I started to freak out a bit.  I started to try grounding exercises to enhance my level of contact with the “real” physical world and it almost seemed that if you pinched me I would no longer feel the pinch.  Then I watched this movie “Souce Code” which mostly takes place in the dreams of a fatally injured character.   And then I really started to drift into the sensation of a virtual world.

And then I truly felt the most separated from my body.  It was like I was a stranger watching a movie and physical sensations of my body going out of sync with what my body was actually physically touching.  It felt a bit that I was truly going crazy, maybe a bit like the main character in the movie “Black Swan”

The next morning this dissociation went further and on the drive to work, I felt as if the skin was burning off my face, hands and arms.  It was a bit painful, but I knew the relief that I sought would be found if I could restablish physical contact with myself.

And so in the end I’m trying to follow general guidelines from the school, by trying as much as possible to avoid drinking any alcohol.  In general alcohol is something I’d take to numb ovewhelming discomfort and pain.  But this time I’ve really exercised self will to avoid alcohol to numb any fears or pains and just allow myself to fall into the scariest and most painful part.

So despite this frustrating realization that I might start to become dependant on drinking coffee, I’m at least aware of how I hide and protect myself from what I fear by trying to have someone else stand up for me. I’m now conscious of the clarity that sensing nothing brings to the table.  So in this setting it doesn’t matter if you have prior “professional” yoga, meditation or energy work.  It only matters how authentic people are about how they feel and how they feel other people perceive them.

I’m dissociating lots now, but it’s OK. It’s too be expected and i’s all OK.

Yesterday was another growth experience for me.  Firstly I went to a New Years Eve retreat alone.  I was starting to get ambivalent if this was the right thing, but as I was driving on my way to the Farm House (where the retreat was at), I did understand that this was good, this was my decision, my decision to regret or rejoice if needed, but mine just the same.  If I didn’t go then it would have been a blow to my identity, of being able to both discover creative things as well as allowed make my own mistakes.

So I arrived at my destination I was a bit edgy because I was possibly running late.  And then I followed this other car and parked in a grassy field.  But then I noticed that the ground looked a bit ominously soft. So I decided to edge my way back up onto pavement, and I almost got there and then I was stuck. The people from the other car sort of made comments about you might as well just give up and go to the retreat.  They were staying overnight but I was not staying overnight.  I felt the urge to restore my safety in not being trapped, in being able to leave at a moments notice on my own terms.  My tires started to spin away. I was frustrated.

The people in the other car wanted to know if I wanted a push.  Then I asked if one of them could drive my car while I pushed.  So we pushed but the car only got further into mud.  We tried to back out but my car only dug itself deeper into mud.

One of the other persons mentioned they had AAA, but I knew that didn’t mean very much as I don’t think you can call for road service for another person.  But the offer to help did trigger me to remember that I did have Better World Club membership.  So I pulled it together and gave up and accepted that only a tow truck could get my car unstuck. So I closed off everything, pulled my composure and walked with them to the retreat, actually helping them carry one of their cushions and talking with each a bit.

As I sat at the retreat, I realized that I was in a state of hidden panic.  I would have felt so much better to not be there and so my spirit was out of my body, thinking things as desparate as:  “I am stuck here, it’s New Years eve and there will be no tow trucks available.”  Then I was worried that it was getting dark, that my car might be too far off the road to get a successful tow.  Then I was thinking I would feel better just calling for a tow truck and waiting to get my car out before going into the retreat.  But I knew that if I waited for a tow truck I would miss out on most of the retreat and this whole trip would have been for naught.  So I had to do my best to postpone my panic.  It was starting to get dark and as it gets darker it’s harder for the tow truck operator to see what he’s doing.  So I was thinking that I was giving up the safety of daylight for the sake of being at the retreat.  I started to disasterocize, that they might have to wait for weeks for the ground to dry up to get a truck close enough to my car.  Then I was starting to wonder if my membership had lapsed?  Further panic set in.

It was then that I started to realize one reason why road club membership is so much better than saving the membership fee and paying for tow service as needed.  It was called peace of mind.  On New Years Eve and in a state of panic without road club membership I would be so ill equipped to try and search for the nearest active tow service.  So while economically a road membership only starts to pay for itself with the 2nd tow truck service, the membership was worth it to me.  It prevented me from going into more intense panic.

So I had time to focus on pretty severe but manageable anxiety.  But as I sat at the retreat I just Witnessed my emotions. I was experiencing terror.  I honestly felt like I’d be trapped forever.  That my life was a threat.

Then Loseng, the Tibetan Bhuddist Monk, mention detachment from material things and I thought so what if I just abandoned and lost my car.  I could still live here and I could eventually (within maybe 24 hours) get a ride.  So what if I lost my car forever. So what if I lost all my possessions. And even if my life was threatened what is so bad about losing my body.  These are all just posessions.

Then in a meditation with my eyes just slightly open I saw 2 candle flames flickering and sensed the presence of a femalic mentor/goddess without words conveying to me that all was well. It was like I was in the moment of what if feels like to die and this gatekeeper kept me at peace.  It was like if I was sleeping in bed and was being lightly awakened from a nightmare, with a compassionate orange yellow presence comforting me while showing me concern.  I guess the presence was  like my spiritual nurse maid in a spiritual hospital with me in the hospital bed.  It was almost like she was saying you’ve been thru alot (of emotions), but rest assured it really was all OK.  You see you can let go of your body, you can let go of things.  People, circumstances can tie it up your posessions, and entangle it, but you can detach and not be tied up and entangled with your posessions.  You an walk away and let go of what are really no more than things you worry you will lose (your possessions).  And as you are in the state of letting go, of having no possessions, notice how free you feel.  You can be a free spirit.

One realization I had was that I am not any one emotion.  I am not mean nor am I kind. I am not good, and I am not bad.  I am not angry, I am not sad, and I am not happy. The one thing I know I am is that I am, and that’s about all I can say.  And the meanness or kindness or only emotions, only things that can flow thru me.  To hold on to one description is to become a victim.  To say I am angry is to say I am stuck at the one state of emotion of angry.  To say I am happy is to say I am stuck at happy and to ignore and not embrace the shadow part that is angry and sad.  Because the reality is that I can be angry, happy, and all sometimes all emotions simultaneously.  I am really all kinds of emotions simultaneously.  Emotions flow thru me but they are not me.

It’s now been a few months since I’ve last posted. This
blog has to some extent lost it’s way. I’ve been recording much of
my struggles in a private journal off line. And so I’m not sure why
I’m writing now, except to maybe keep the faith in this sensation
I’ve called the source. Lately I’ve been exposed to the training
and teachings of the Barbara Brennan School if Healing. Some of the
things I’ve gained so far are what it feels like to be in utter awe
of human simplicity, belongingness, a greater ability to feel
thankful/privileged and personal healing. None of the Healings have
approached touching the Source. But then there is an aspect of the
school’s philosophy that might question my touching the source as
being Schizoid in nature. I mean when I had touched the Source all
pain was gone and I was in bliss and ecstasy. I miss that, and in
fact it’s been so long now I’m almost forgetting the feeling. The
schools nature is much about being here. Stop drifting off in a
happier and safer place. Don’t close your eyes. Dare to keep your
eyes open, dare keep in the present and face your fears, pains, and
turmoils all the way thru. But also accept that you will falter,
and blink, and in fact it’s also in the faltering that you grow.
And don’t be surprised when bad situations don’t turn out to be as
bad as you fear. So lately this principle of keeping my eyes open
has been tough. I am so much more aware of my emotions than I’ve
ever been before in my life. And I’m in agony! I am so tempted to
binge drink Vodka and just knock out my consciousness. It’s just
that I know alcohol is only temporary and binge drinking is
damaging to your body. And the bigger thing is I want to stay true
to the Schools philosophy of staying in my body, staying in contact
with here, now and icky reality. It’s just that I feel so bad! I
kind of wish I were dead. But I’m here and able to write about it.
Excuse me now while I pause to reconnect to the fading ambers of
that sensation of touching the Source.

In general things like exercise and meditation all seem like things one can do to cope with stress.  I remember some time back when I attended Depression support groups, the one thing everyone was in agreement about was that exercise helps with your mental and emotional health.  It all makes sense.  However, recently I’ve found that it can actually interfere with my emotional and mental well being.

Over the past few weeks, I had seriously ramped up my physical activity by running more regularly.  It got to the point I was running about 3 miles a day, and each day I challenged and pushed myself just to push a little harder.  When I felt fatigued, it was a satisfying feeling that I was reinvigorating my physical fitness level, making me healthier.  And I was more motivated and had more energy.  I could stay up past midnight and wake up at 5 AM and start running.  And each time I ran, I seemed noticeably faster, stronger and less fatigued.

But then I noticed that mid-day I would start to drag a bit, with this craving to start running again. I started to be less hungry and ate healthier and ate less.  Yet, my body weight stayed the same.  For a period of time I actually got this rush of a sensation that I was back in my 20’s and wanted my body to return to that same physically fit form.  I actually started to intentionally cut back on eating, even when I craved for some food.  And when I felt kind of stuck emotionally, just chomping on the bit to munch on some potato chips, I felt this edginess, this need to go out and run again and exhaust my new found energy.  But despite the fact I was controlling my eating and exercising a lot, my body weight remained the same.  My clothes were getting a bit looser, but my weight stayed the same.

My only conclusion was that I was starting to gain a bit of muscle mass while I was losing some fat mass so my weight remained the same, despite the fact I was getting leaner.  This probably meant that my testosterone levels were starting to go back up.

I’m a bit convinced that in my case where I went from very little to no exercise to a lot of exercise, was that my emotions were now on a bit of a steroidal high. I definitely felt this urge to start exercising more and start going to a gym and lifting weights to get back to this image of myself in my 20’s when I had a very satisfying muscular upper body with cut abdomens.  I recall that rush of muscular ego that was constantly thinking hard of ways to make myself look better or at least preserve how good I looked.  So it was as much of a compulsion as it was a high.

When athletes take steroids, it’s reported that their emotions can get edgy and irritable from a steroid rage.  And I now believe that my exercise translated into miny “roid” rages that amounted to me just being edgy and irritable, with a strong desire to push myself physically to feed my self-esteem and exhaust the edginess.

Exercise, especially with the intent of looking physically better, is just ego-driven.  And while it sort of nourishes your self esteem, it’s not sustainable.  No matter what you do or achieve physically it is not the same as just feeling total worth, no matter what.  This is unconditional self-esteem, unconditional self-love.  When your self-esteem and self-love is conditional then it’s ego.

When I try to sit or lie still and connect my heart to the Source, that is what it’s about to feel that self esteem and self love.  And if I’ve exercised strenuously earilier in the day, the “roid” edginess interferes with that connection.  To keep connected I just needed to let go and let the connection happen. Once I start feeling the “roid” edginess and ego the connection was real hard to make as I’d so much rather go out an run or achieve something.  In someways it was like the mini “roid” edginess was just an exercise addiction much like being a workaholic.

And in fact this past week I think I was definitely becoming a work-a-holic driven to accomplish things at work so that I could sit back, rest and smile at myself for accomplishing something and feeling valued for accomplishing this.  And once in that addictive cycle of needing to do more, it’s hard to connect, because connection is more about slowing down, and in fact being still so that you can just allow it to happen.

So this past week I had gotten so busy that my exercise completely stopped.  Then when the weekend finally hit I first initially found myself working a bit on the weekend, but then I thought about doing some running to clear things up.  But instead I elected to NOT run, despite being physically inactive.  I decided to just take time to slow down, eat more if I have to and be OK about it.  I decided to preserve the time and energy I would have invested into exercise into doing a bit of nothing and to get settled into meditating.  I even actually slowed down below the level of meditation by just staying still going limp and just being.

And so as a result I found the time and urge to write.  I found the urge to be and feel the child. I became more at ease, less tension, more restful and more satisfied with myself. I’ve come to accept and be proud of my lack of accomplishment, because I have invested and fulfilled myself in just being or doing what feels natural and at the same time fostering what will feel natural.

It’s all rather interesting that just a bit more than light to moderate exercise could actually be too much exercise.  In the end it is all about finding that right balance. In the end it’s all about constantly taking time to step back and see if you are able to just be and be OK with just being.

Lately, I feel like I’m undergoing some significant spiritual changes.  Or maybe I’m just more aware of it.  One of the toughest emotions that I’ve had to deal with in my spirit is anger.  At first one might be naive to think that lot’s of meditation and/or prayer is the answer.  But in the end it all can start to feel more like anger denial or suppression.

I think maybe for me my difficulty with anger is that I don’t naturally like to express it. Expressing anger, at least direct expression, is confrontational.  It tends to intimidate others and tends to evoke a defensive response.  And that defensive response can come back to intimidate and make me feel tense and uncomfortable.  But in the end anger is natural.

I remember a few years ago listening to a lecture on spirituality and mental health. There was mention of Viktor Frankl and the a book “Man’s Search for Meaning” which described how Holocaust survivor observed that those that could retain sense of purpose and meaning out of suffering tended to survive, those who could not tended to lose the will to live and perished. This ability to discover and retain purpose and meaning especially under adverse times, was termed “Radical Acceptance”  This was the same thread of thought put out in the book “Radical Acceptance,” a very popular book by Tara Brach who is a regarded Bhuddist meditation teacher.  So in Radical Acceptance it’s much about a way to just diffuse the insult, injury, or hurt behind the anger.  And so the direct expression of anger seems is not the ideal way.

Following in line with “Radical Acceptance” there’s a slew of other “Radical xxxx” titles: Radical Foregiveness by Colin Tipping, Radical Grace by  Richard Rohr, Radical Self-Acceptance by Tara Brach, Radical Judaism, Radical Leap, Radical Hope, Radical Amazement, Radical Womanhood, Radical Evolution …

There’s one book that directly addresses anger: Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. Brad touts always being direct and honest in times of anger.  Raise your voice, yell, use profanity, even scream at who ever you’re angry with and let that person do the same back.  Brad touts that to the extent we hold back our expression of anger, it eventually leads to more insidious or even violent behavior.  So if you think someone is fat and ugly, don’t hold back and tell them “I think you are fat and ugly” Don’t be afraid to be looked as an insensitive jerk, because in the end everyone will respect you for always being direct, never hiding things and you’ll be free of tension and fear because you’re always just release it right away. Radical Honesty is a very successful book.

But then there’s the another very successful book Radical Foregiveness which seems to go a bit more like Radical Acceptance, a bit contrary to Radical Honesty.  That the anger that you feel arises from a situation that that touches on a pain, and triggers a defensive response of “I will take this no more, that’s enough, I’m sick and tired of this, this stops now, I am fed up, back off, stay away, DO NOT mess with me …”  And that situation has a purpose and meaning.  Seek to understand why.  This is termed Radical Acceptance which is the foundation of the Radical Foregiveness in anger provoking situations.

So for me there’s an element of both Radical Honesty and Radical Foregiveness that rings a truth when it comes to Anger.  I think there are times that direct expression of Anger is good. But I also believe in the power of Radical Foregiveness.  And so this is where my states of confusion arise.

I once wrote a list of “koans” and spiritual truths for myself.  I’ve taped it up on my office wall and it’s been up for about 15 years.  One statement says:

“All things are true.  Criticize not how a statement is wrong, but rather seek to understand the why and how a statement becomes true. …”

Life is non-linear. Contradictory things can be simultaneously true. And so at least in terms of anger I seek to be both very honest about how I feel but at the same time very accepting and so foregiving.

There’s a famous statement associated with Jesus.  It goes something like if someone slaps you on the side of the face and knocks you down, just get right back up and turn the cheek so they can slap you on the other side if they want.  So I guess a mixture of Radical Honesty and Radical Foregiveness would be to get back up and scream in the persons face “OUCH! What #$#(#?! was that #$&#(&$( for?!! You are such a (&(&*#$(& jerk and I feel like (&*(&&*(& your face, while simultaneously having inner thoughts of what was the purpose of this, I am learning something from this, thank you for hitting me because I really needed a wake up call.  But that’s probably only path out of an infinite number of paths of how thinks might play out.  I think the actual path in response to that slap in the face is rather irrelevant, it’s the inner struggle that arises within in you and how you choose to give attention or ignore that inner struggle that is relevant.

In reality it’s probably about the struggle between many things you believe in, even though at times they seem contrary.  And so it doesn’t matter so much which truth you settle more upon, but that you can recognize the truth in all, and be willing to struggle in the confusion and understand it’s OK. In different times, in different places, in different circumstances where you settle will be different and it can be inconsistent and you may look like a hypocrite but it’s alright, it’s OK.

A popular author Dr. Wayne Dyer, who thinks highly of Carl Jung, will mention “source” quite a bit in his talks.  When I first heard him use the word it almost seemed like he was talking about the same thing, but the more I look at it, it’s like he’s using “source” as sort of a neutral way of describing “God”.   Wayne Dyer likes to use source to mean the source of inspiration, the source of love, the source of happiness, which I guess I would say is a bit of an intellectual way of describing the source.

The only reason I ever came up with the word the Source, was because of my experiences of overwhelming ecstasy that made absolutely no sense considering the conditions I was undergoing.  Back in 2008, when I had an episode of ecstasy radiating from the center of my heart (or center of my chest if you prefer), I was inspired to draw the sensation I felt.  The only name that clicked in my head as I started to draw was the Source.  It was not based upon a voice, but just raw physical sensation.

Now as an intellectual afterthought, I guess it would make sense to equate this Source to something like God, but honestly I’d be putting too much interpretation into what was plain and simple an overwhelmingly fantastic sensation. What I will say is that the Source is not something external that I seek, it’s not the sunshine, it’s not clouds, it’s not the glint in a special sunrise or sunset, it is in the end a rather subtle pinpoint region in the very center of my heart. The Source resides inside of me. It is very likely that small still voice within, that speaks not in language but in sensation.

However, I must admit that there are certain external things that I do or look for to trigger that internal sensation.  Trust me when you’ve experienced this ecstasy, it’s like the ultimate drug addiction, only when you experience it, it feels so natural, so right, so good, so this is what it was all meant to be sensation.  The author, Robert A. Johnson, had written about the agony of craving his Golden World, and I admit lately I am drawn to sit still and try my best to feel that Source sensation within.

Things that visually might trigger it are certain cloud patterns I see, and particular glints of sunlight that have particular pinpoint effects. Certain dramatic or sharp contrasts that may naturally occur tend to visually trigger things.  And then sometimes if I wiggle my extremities just right I can evoke some of the memory of the path to the Source and start bringing about the sensation.  My ego would love to tout the fact that I have touched the Source and would want to show you so that you know what you are missing.  But in the end you’ll only know what the Source feels like if you already know or whenever you do manage to know. And there is probably nothing at all I can show or describe to you in technique to show you how to touch the Source.  In the end it comes probably by grace so that the most devout monk may never know the Source in his lifetime yet a materialistic, drunk, derelict may come to experience it in an instant.  I suspect that if you’ve never felt the Source, the more you try the less likely you’ll feel it.  However, if ever you feel completely defeated, a total failure, complete hopelessness, ready for death, that is probably the likely opening for the grace to touch the Source.  So I guess my only advise is to give no advise.  You’ll figure it out, or rather you manage to not figure it out and give up and then you’ll be there.

The ecstasy of the Source is very much at times analogous to the ecstasy of a great sexual orgasm, only in a sexual orgasm the sensation occurs in you lower toreso.  With the Source the sensation definitely centers in the chest region and than radiates outwards and can then engulf your entire body with an ecstasy just as intense as the most intense sexual orgasm, but much more everlasting.

It is interesting to note though that there have been a few times the Source sensation got triggered following a sexual orgasm. In one instance the sensation became so great, I actually got scared, and had to disengage the Source, because I thought my chest was going to burst, or I was about to have a heart attack and that I would die.  It was so wonderful of a sensation, but I guess I was not ready to die yet.

I miss this sensation. Just the memory of it starts to trigger some ecstasy. Wow! 🙂

So for about almost a year I’ve been reading this book Balancing Heaven and Earth by Robert A. Johnson.  The main reason I was introduced to this book was because my mention of my experiences with the Source.  Someone mentioned that it sounded a bit like the Golden World that Robert A. Johnson experienced maybe 3 times in his life.  The first time he experienced it was when he was in his teens on a table in a hospital dying from massive internal bleeding from a severely crushed leg, and then some later times generally triggered by a certain aspect of the sunshine under particular circumstances.  In the end Robert states that there is no known way of reaching the Source.  That it is bestowed upon the recipient purely upon grace.

But aside from these encounters with a taste of Heaven, Robert takes what I’ve found the most profound spiritual book I’ve ever read to date.  It’s so much about being a human, being fallible and because of being human and fallible being so simply perceptive.

I think the big thing that Robert reveals is the impact and person Carl Jung.  I’ve heard of Carl Jung in the context of the great Sigmund Frued. When you hear these names you think of troubled and disturbed minds undergoing psychoanalysis of psychiatric intellectuals speaking with German accents.  For a good time Carl Jung was an active intellectual partner of Sigmund Freud and both agreed on the basic concepts of ego and subconcious.  But then at some point Carl took a sharp detour into a world one might consider insanity.  And in the end seemed much more of modern day Shaman rather than a psychologist.  Carl became fascinated with the power of dreams not merely revealing your own issues but in a way predicting the outcome of mankind or almost in ways the coming of a messiah.

Carl Jung discovered evidence of a human collective conscious where a thought in the mind of one person gets transferred to the minds of all mankind without any communication.  This collective conscious is like the great common spiritual ocean, and ultimately our subconscious.  Carl Jung emphasized the importance of this subconscious connection, this spiritual connection otherwise one experiences psychological issues in the conscious world.  In the end the conscious world we live in everyday is not very significant and real.  In fact the big things that occupy our every day conscious life are actually rather meaningless and its the subtle feelings felt in the inner world of our beings that are huge in meaning.  Carl Jung introduces the concept of archetypes as a way of  helping interpret the language of our inner beings.  And many years later a spiritual book writer named Carolyn Myss comes out with a book Sacred Contracts that ultimately flushes out the concept of archetypes.

Robert A Johnson it seems may have been one of Carl Jung’s most esteemed students.  And in the end Carl Jung instructed Robert to stay away from the lime light and not go to any of his Jungian schools because in a way Carl felt Robert was too advanced for his school.  Even Carl Jung himself distanced himself from his own schools, almost to say I’ve matured beyond my legacy, “now don’t listen to my great teachings, listen to your inner voice”

So the 2nd half of Carl Jung’s life, the part that still has yet to be absorbed by psychologist is contained in a recently published book called “the Red Book”.  And this Red Book has a glow of mistique about it.  The Washington Post said: “With a rich crimson dust jacket, thick cream-colored paper and calligraphied pages, this huge tome [the Red Book] is the size of a lectern Bible and looks like the kind of spell book a wizard might consult.”  For years kept a secret in a safe deposit box and then published carefully in a large hard cover book that you might expect to find on one of the shelves of the forbidden section of the library in Hogwartz. Someone is currently selling one copy of this RedBook for $3,500 on Amazon.

So in the end, the truest follower of the late Carl Jung, Robert A Johnson I believe conveys much of the wisdom of this Red Book, but possibly even truer then the book itself.  Dr. Wayne Dyer pretty much founded his fame on words of wisdoms from Carl Jung.  Dr. Dyer is famous and materially wealthy.  Robert A. Johnson is Dr. Dyer’s senior and is much more the real deal, yet is pretty much unknown.  Carl Jung predicted that Robert was destined for a solitary path, and Robert has pretty done this and in the closing parts of what is probably Robert’s last book, is his statement that his ultimate state of being and teaching will be in his silence.

Carolyn Myss mentioned that the heavens work in opposites.  That what seems big is probably small.  What seems small is probably big.  The Bible has words like “the first shall be the last and the last shall be the first” And with Robert it seems the quietest is the truest and the most popular and loudest doesn’t mean very much.

And so lately I’m absorbing and integrating the emotions in me stirred up in my subconscious and conscious with my recent job loss and recovery, my spiritual journey thru the labryinth, my entire life, my purpose, the completion of reading Balancing Heaven and Earth, taking a course in self healing a local intuitive energy school, work in Active Imagination, work in Lucid Dreaming, newer meditations and greater awareness of the pains that had at it’s worst driven to commit suicide.

I think I am at a stage of my life that I am maturing to understand and feel how much pain I really am at. I’ve had people describe at points in my life that I must be in great pain and have never felt it.  But then there would at times points where I’d explode in anger, or shutdown in apathy, or try to mortally hurt myself.  I’d usually handle it by thinking this behavior is wrong and suppress things and act proper and in the process conclude that I’m not in pain and not feel the pain.  But in the end only learn not to feel.

So in this process of unlearning not be unfeeling.  To unlearn how to be “a man”.  To unlearn how to “be strong”. I’ve found myself unraveling into a blubbering mess like a baby from simply watching several different scenes in movies I’ve seen before on cable TV.  I remember when I was in this state before, I watched 10 seconds of a person recounting how he heard news of the Pearl Harbor bombing in World War II and I suddenly started crying uncontrollably at the realization of the great suffering and senseless killing that we are doing to each other. I listened and sang to John Lennon’s “Imagine” and was sobbing and my insides were aching so badly.  And then most recently I was watching Toy Story 3 with others and I was kettle ready to burst in tears.  And all I was thinking to myself is “Oh my God please please keep it together. Please look away from the screen.  This is going to be so embarrassing, a grown man crying from a cartoon.  Suppress the emotion.  Suppress the emotion.”

So if you’ve been reading up on http://www.tiredmiddleagedman.com I’ve been processing the rite of being layed off. For some of you readers being layed off is no big deal, so I guess I’m new at this.  But in any regards if you’re new at anything and it’s something that has happened for the first time in over 20 years, it’s kind of a big thing emotionally.  I mean for me, a 44 year old person, we’re talking about something I’ve lived with for nearly 50% of my entire life.  So I only digress like this to stress that this is emotionally quite big for me.  And within all big emotional hardships comes great opportunity to spiritual growth.  Well it’s being nice to call it an opportunity, it’s more just something that happens and you will inevitably grow whether you like it or not; it may be nice, but more likely very uncomfortable or downright terrible, but trust me you will grow.

So today I took a time out to just be more in the present.  I started to think more and more about Ekert Tolle’s title “The Power of Now” and it’s calling to be in the present.  This past Wednesday I had an opportunity to walk with a group of others in the Labryinth on the Delaware Art Museum grounds.  The process absolutely made a huge impact on me.  It uncovered the inner child in me and his desire to keep time still so that things don’t change, treasured places remain, and loved one’s don’t grow up or depart from your life.

What the Labryinth experience started to reveal to me is that we all are spreading our life energy across time.  The more we crave, wish, worry, regret, strive, move, and achieve all we are doing is spreading our trail across time.  And in the end all we really want is to be one and whole, yet we see other people, things and events around us moving and changing and we want to chase them back in time and forward in time and it stretches us further and further apart so that as time moves on we get spread thinner and thinner.  For most, maybe all of us, it isn’t until physical death do we get to gather up our entire trail across time.  Time is compressed back into a single point and the trail that was once us is gathered back together as one, we are one again, the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega together as one again.  This is your life flashing before your eyes.  This is the review of your life experience that you will go thru before you can die.

So once again I recognize the need to consider not spreading my trail.  Start raveling in my past, worry not of the future and absolutely savor the present based upon the past special moments I so so so miss.  I want to bring in my entire spirit now spread over 44 years of time back together into the present.  I want to be.

And so I found much of today, me, my mind drifting into beautiful vistas in my memory of beautiful places I’ve been to.  In fact many places of the past are so much more beautiful and precious because they simply do not exist anymore due to the fact they have been destroyed or torn down.  For example I can remember so much more vividly the time I walked on the roof of one of the World Trade Center towers.  It’s more spectacular now than it was back then.  And this is a big key.  In just the same manner you can recall a memory more spectacular and precious than it was when you first experienced it, you can apply that principle right now in the present.  Know this, that this moment where ever you are is so special and precious and many many years from now you will wish you were here.  Know this feeling and starting wishing you were here right now.  And this wishing so badly you were here while actually being here is at least part of what it means to be Now in The Power of Now.  I would probably add start bringing in the past as well and bring back all of your spirit into the present.  Miss yourself no more.

In this state I had noticed one thing, that the having a bright Sun somewhere helps — a lot. And it started to dawn upon me today that I can actually hear the Sun?!  What do I mean?

I mean I remember a year ago I traveled to the Bahamas and it was so so Sunny and I was in my hotel room and when the window was open, even with my eyes closed I could smell, hear and feel tropical paradise. But what was so clear was this sort of background sound, which I think was the sound of the Sun. My best logical explanation for what this sound is, is it’s probably a bit of the heat that the Sun generates on a truly powerfully sunny day.  The heat causes heat waves which can be heard as maybe a soft low frequency continuous thud or distortion that just resonates and permeates all over.  It triggers breezes to come in and if there are trees, birds they are prompted into motion.  If you’re by an ocean the rawnesss of that energy is enhanced with the transition of water waves rippling from a humungous ocean into the land of the shore.  But even if there was no breeze, no ocean, no trees, and nor birds, I swear I can still hear something that is the Sun.  Imagine a scene in your mind at night and now imagine it with a rip roaring Sun.  I don’t know about you but in that imagined scene don’t your hear something different?

And so today as I basked in the present I savored the sound of the Sun. I savored the sound of the Sun now and the Sun in the past in all of those places.  Like a huge symphony across time and space I touch every point of my trail of my spirit across time and space under the loving stare of that familiar Sun, that one thing that quite honestly seems to have stayed the same for as long as I can remember.

So here I am preparing to join the many who are unemployed.  To some extent I guess I feel like a big baby not being to take this so well.  But honestly it feels like I’m dying and everywhere I try I’m only met with huge disappointment.  Yes there are brief moments where I do contemplate suicide a bit.  This coming week I have a job interview to drive to.  The person is really excited to find me, but I’m highly skeptical if this one’s going to come thru.  I’ll be driving over the Delaware Memorial Bridge.  I know that on March 16th, 2010 one person parked his car on the Commodore Barry Bridge and was talked out of jumping.  I remember driving past his parked car on the bridge that day.  The next day someone jumped off the Walt Whitman Bridge and died.  So I briefly picture myself parking, but I guess I just wouldn’t have quite the gumption to climb out and jump, or would I?  I mean if you park your car in the middle of the bridge, I wonder how long before police cars swarm on you?  I’d say at least 5 minutes but no more than 15 minutes.  I let the thought go.

A couple of important people in my life mentioned I should take some Vitamin D, worried I was sinking into a depression.  Well lately I’ve been taking a ton of Vitamin D.  I’m taking about 100 capsules a day.  I did wonder a bit if doing this was dangerous but it doesn’t seem to have any ill effect.  But just the same I’m not sure if it’s helping. I also took some pain killers to dampen the pain, but it probably only made me slightly numb.  I only have a couple pills left.  OK I admit it feels a bit reckless, but I’m really really hurting inside more than I can ever remember.

Yesterday I took a seminar teaching skills on grounding my energy so as to help drain the hurt within me.  I learned that I have a tendency to try and suck in energies outside of me to make up for the deficit and hurt that’s in me.  Instead of taking in outside energies to compensate for my pain, I was being taught to visualize connecting my first chakra (base of spine) to the center of the Earth and not attempt to draw-in the energy of the Earth, but merely make the connection.  That sensation of not drawing in the energy of the Earth was agonizing as my insides ached to be healed and nurtured.  I was then instructed to visualize a bright energy above my had, and then allow one sun shine energy above my head drop into my body filling my empty bagged body and around me.  I started to visualize my pains draining into the Earth.  Then I was told to allow a 2nd sun energy fill out my aura, to which I sort of revised a bit  it as hugging me with love.  So after my session I had a fairly good day enjoying the remaining couple of hours of sun light. I was told these sun shines where my personal energy, which is interesting because I would have thought of them being divine energies that were not of me.  If you’ve read some of my description of the Source, this intrigues me.  Because I’ve at times seen the Source as being the center energy source of that which makes Me and now I’m being told that these sources of bright light above my head are also that which makes Me.  And so I’m drawn to ponder about my concepts of hypersheres.

In my concept of hyperspheres if you travel to the center of any point and you implode sort of like a black hole, you will inevitably emerge on some outer edge of the universe.  In other words the outside of a sphere is really kind of like a “moebius strip” connection to the very center of a sphere.  If you implode symmetrically you will be the entire outer sphere showering back towards the center.  If you send all your love and energy towards what you perceive as your center, it’s net effect is to love the universe from the outside in.  If you send love symmetrically outwards from your body to all of the universe the net effect is to love the universe from the inside out and when you “love rays” reach the outer edges of the universe those same “love rays” will emerge from the center of your heart.  If you are slightly less than symmetric in your implosion or explosion then your intention only reaches particular people, places or regions within your body.  So the concept of Me being above my head as sunshine but also Me being from a center within Me made me think a bit of my concept of hyperspheres.

After I was grounded, I can’t say I noticed distinctively that I was “GROUNDED”, but I did notice my taste sensations had shot up.  At the seminar I tasted some of the best tasting chocolates I have ever tasted in my life.  It was like a scene from the movie: “Defending your Life” where someone goes to Judgement City in sort of a partial Heaven world where the food was guaranteed to be the best tasting food you’ve ever tasted and you could eat as much as you want for free and never ever gain weight.  The person orders some eggs at a diner in Judgement city and asks if they are good.  The waitress replies there the best you’ve ever had served just the way you like them.  He orders the eggs and gets them immediately with no wait just the way he likes them. And when he eats them he practically goes into orgasm of taste and exclaims “these are the best damned eggs I’ve ever had”   And so these chocolates were so good that I couldn’t help myself but to grab more and eat more.  These chocolates were Hershey’s!?  I felt just slightly giddy and had some Trader Joe’s brand tea with some plain white sugar and after about the 10th sip I realized WOW this is the best tea I’ve ever tasted. Wow this is good tea! The best I could surmise was that the grounding excercises I had been doing was a powerful way to getting towards being in the Now and present and so being so much more present my appreciation of Now was greater.

But I’m back to today and I’m in pain.  The grounding exercises help only but a little now.  I think it’s because tomorrow is Monday.  I think it’s because I am trying to look and apply for more jobs, but frankly I’m so plain damned tired of looking for jobs.  I really want to give up, accept unemployment and just go down for the count.  “No Mas.  No Mas…!”  “Uncle,  Uncle .. !”

But I have another job interview tomorrow.  And I have only 2 weeks left to land an official offer or I’m unemployed.  And this job interview I have is a bit of a “Hail Mary” attempt because I feel i’ts partly just a way of the person interviewing me just sympathizing with my plight and just being willing to go thru the motions of a job interview and seeing something will happen.  I wonder if I should even bother preparing for this interview.  But frankly I think it doesn’t matter anymore.  What my personal experience has showed me is that you can have the best damned interview you have ever had in your life, poor out your guts in preparation, practically do a song and dance show, be the most qualified person they’ve ever seen, have them show great enthusiasm in hearing about you and have them turn you down feeling like they probably never intended to hire you from the very beginning and find out they rejected all the interviewees and have done so for a long time!  I’ve spent a lot of time and energy applying for jobs that actually don’t exist. So in the end I can get drawn out rejections from hiring managers that realize the job I’ve applied for had long been filled by someone else!  They indirectly blame someone else for not correcting the information, so it’s sort of “oh well, and we’re really quite sorry, hoped it hasn’t inconvenienced you too much, and wish you the best.”

Ego is about doing things to makeup for the lack of worthiness you feel.  Ego is an illusion because you do not need to do or achieve something to create worthiness, you are already inherently worthy period and nothing you do can add or detract from that fact.  So all the contortions in activity don’t really mean anything.  The belief that they do mean and add up to something is an illusion. This is way Ego is an illusion. Worthiness is the purpose to face others.

Marriage, having a relationship, fitting in is about status, it is ego, it is about feeling worthy. Job level, title, house status and car are about status, ego and worthiness.

So I acknowledge my inherent worth. I do so by loving myself. I do so by saying to myself: “I love you even more because you are a F-up.”

The truth is you are always worthy period. And then you can choose to face others: God, your mirror. The purpose of facing others is (and should be) independent of worth, because you are already worthy. I guess others are in a way a test of your ability to accept, and believe your worth.

It is not what you do or achieve,  it is not your successes that make you great.  You are already great. So all the extra doing, achieving and succeeding in as far as your belief they add or subtract from your greatness is all an illusion.  They in the end mean nothing.  You are already great, period.  It’s inherent because you exist. And somehow if there is anything that defines your greatness and worthiness it’s when you screw up, fail, and mess up and suffer humiliation and defeat.

How are you? Is at least the 4 questions:

1) How are you feeling (assume an emotionless computer is asking the question just for fact gathering for a survey)
2) How much sympathy and attention do you want?
3) how do you want to be?
4) what emotions or feelings do you want acknowledged? – reason why so called negativity is
important. Negative emotions are “acknowledgement and validation emotions”

But to make things even more complex version one interpretation of the question “How are you?” can further be interpretted to:

A) How are you physically?

B) Are you sleepy or awake?

C) Over the past 24 hours pick any 15 minute segment of time and tell me how you felt.

D) Do you have different emotions on different levels? On any level are you afraid, excited, angry, hopeful, happy?

E) Judge and tell me if you feel which of these emotions are good and which are bad?

 

The opening for child to separate from ego occurs upon failure

When you praise in light of a child’s success, achievment, or accomplishment you support the ego part of self esteem.

When you can praise in failure you support self esteem without ego. Pure self esteem is feeling worth just because you exist and most especially when you struggle, flub up, screw up major time. You are seen so beautiful in the process of failure. Your inner beauty shines so brightly in failure, in the genuine fighting, the humility,the threshold of secumbing to the realization of total hopelessness and failure. When this is seen and you are seen and cheered and praised then their is pure self esteem without ego. Because you are loved just because you exist, and even more loved because you failed! You are loved mostly because you are a nobody.

The Law of Attraction does not explain the sucker punch. This is when your energy is riding high from an experience that exceeded your expectations. You are almost euphoric and you get a wakeup call sucker punch that brings you back down.

Last week I was riding on a high when someone called me up about a job as a Program Manager, basically a job where I’d be managing other managers.  I definitely thought this was a bit too much of a stretch for me, so I was surprised to get a phone call from someone interested in me.  They described all the stresses and high expectations from this position and somehow I spoke up and sold myself well enough that the person thought that although this was a stretch for me, my enthusiasm and sales pitch indicate I could pull it off.

A few days later I attended a LOA (Law of Attraction) seminar with lots of emphasis on maintaining positive imagery along with neutral emotions around the outcome.  The overall point was to maintain a net positive “vibration” so as to attract positive outcomes.  Well I was riding on an all time high: very positive and not fearing outcomes, because I fully expected positive outcomes.

So today I had the official interview fully expecting good outcomes.  I was taken off guard when I was met with less than enthusiastic emotions.  In fact I got back lots of skepticism.  And so I was asked to sell myself again, and as I spoke about my proudest moments, I got back silence.  They were not impressed.  In fact all my proudest moments and best accomplishments seemed to turn into negative points because they all seemed to typecast me as a computer programmer and not a manager.  And so the more they asked me to sell myself, I started to fumble and trip up more.  I felt sort of humiliated.  But one saving grace is that they had to cut my interview short due to another work emergency, and so they rescheduled me for a 2nd interview to try again.

So according to LOA

At this time I also tried to call someone else about another job that I did spectacular well in the interviewing process.  I was so sure I would have an offer by today, but every time I called for the status I got only the voice mail and no return phone calls.  It’s like they were intentionally avoiding me.

According to LOA principles I was vibrating positivity big time, and then I had an outcome I was not prepared at all.  I was sucker punched.  It’s the lack of encompassing the truth and purpose of negative energy where the LOA fails.  In fact the LOA focus on positive energy I believe probably will only yield satisfactory effectiveness in your life about 50% of the time.  LOA also completely does not address self Love, which by the way involves an acceptance of negativity as well as positivity.

I had to heal myself.  So I found a quiet sanctuary and I dug down deep to feel my saddest emotions of frustration and fear.  I wanted to see if I could pull out that crying child from within and what came forward was this image of me hugging myself as I was lying down on the floor with my anguished face buried in a pillow.  And I was saying to myself “you are so beautiful in your vulnerability! I saw how you were struggling, desparate and trying so hard to be honest, to honor your fears, to hold it together somewhat. So loveable and endearing you are. I have never seen someone try so hard.  I love you so much Wilson”

I just went thru the a layoff presentation and it was so sobering.  It was just me alone in a conference room listening to a presentation over a computer and conference phone.  A bit like the scenes in the movie “Up in the Air” only I got to choose where to took the pain.

My gut feels weak.  It just felt like a presentation of death.  Significant talk of trying to worry about what happens or what could go wrong after you die. I could almost here my Mom talking to me and thinking death has it’s benefits.  You don’t have to worry about money coverage, you don’t need money, food or medical benefits.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed with the New Orleans trip! This is nuts!  I just need time away for myself!  I should look for an apartment in Wilmington or discuss pet stay with Quality Inn at $800/month.

I’m feeling paralyzed at the moment! I recall all of the talk of importance of taking certain actions at the time you get in you mid to upper 60’s.  All of this is already at 100% of my ability.  I can only imagine that by the time I’m in my 60’s all this stuff will be insurmountable to comprehend, and by that time things will probably be completely different.

I do miss never land! I’m devastated again.

The song “Goodbye Neverland” recorded by Automatic Loveletter rings strongly within me.

This morning I went for a brief walk with Muffin. No Sun, just overcast. I just stood by, closed my eyes with Muffin and could still feel the Sun and energy. So it seems that even without the Sun I could still possibly connect with the Source.

A key technique to reaching the source is to take time in the morning before something important. You may find that you get there just as you need to leave . Then you are riding the edge. Postpone as long as possible, because this is when the portal remains open. Ride it out as long as possible, because once you leave and come back for a better time it won’t be open. It’s just how it works, it opens up the best when you so urgently need to get going somewhere. It’s that urgent pang that opens the door. No urgency, no desparation, no surrender, no give up, then no open.

Spending time in the Sun with my dog, Muffin has been helpful. When I get to a nice clean grassy field, watch my little white dog saunter amongst some butterflies amongst purple clover flowers and then roll on into the grass with a passion it brings out that smile within.  So good.  I just want to stay still and be and soak in the sun while my dog teaches me to just be.

She found two tennis balls and started bringing them over to me to throw them.  It was fun seeing her have fun.

And then I sat in the grass next to her.  And then I closed my eyes a bit and just soakd in the warm sun.  The sky rather blue.  The air rather crisp.  My heart starting to sing.  So nice.  I just wanted to be stay and be in this moment for as long as possible.

You see this moment is what I call the Source.  I stress I am not trying to pawn off a new religion or belief.  The Source is NOT something new that I want to prostelyze upon you, it’s just a being.  It’s like trying to prostelyze being HAPPY.  Only here I don’t use HAPPY, because the Source seems so much more than the word HAPPY.  It’s more like Wooaaah Man!  Wow. Ahhhhh!.  And when you’re in it you have nothing to say, because nothing you can say describes it, except just this undeniable smile within and maybe the sense that you dare not budge an inch, lest you lose that Zone of being in the Source.

I selected the above photo to show you how the Source feels.  But it’s more than just sunlight. It’s how I see the sunlight not directly, but in the glint of the periphery combined with the warmth.  It’s the glancing in the corner so that at times it diffracts into colors, the actual direct sun being so so bright.

But more than just the sunlight it feels like the sunlight from within the heart.  The aahhh ecstasy and brilliancy of love.  Let me show it for example in the following photo with my wife.

And with another shot many years ago with my dog.

So maybe this time all I can impart is that being in the Sun, lends a lot to being able to making that entrance into the Source.  And once you get a good load of soaking in the Source, you can carry it through the night.  For how long though I don’t know.

These past couple of days have been hard.  There’s an energy a memory of some traumatic things in my apartment.  Like lying in bed in the same area where I threw up all over the place, where my lungs, and throat were burning with alcohol.  Anyway, last night I found myself trying to take a small swig of Vodka.  My goal this time was to just get enough to loosen up the tightenness in the center of my chest.  The first shot was almost OK. The 2nd shot was barely palatable. I started to gagg at the taste of it!  I ended up dumping some Vodka down the sink.

I lied down in bed, hoping that something would take effect.  Nothing.  I thought about pills, but knew I only had pills to make things risky, nothing to offer relief.

So I just went to the kitchen and stuffed my face a bit with parts of left over pizza.

I let self anger, defeatism, and apathy combined with a bit of suicidal obsession.  I originally 2 weeks ago with three shots of vodka to quell an explosive fury.  I later followed up with a late night Wednesday at the Blue Parrot downing another 2 tall glasses of beer.  I felt good that evening and by 11 pm was able to sober offed pretty well.  But that memory that 4 shots and 2 beers was hardly disabling stuck with me.

So this afternoon I made sure I slammed down a full cup of vodka (equivalent to 8 shots) in a under a minute.  Tasted like bitter water.  Nothing.  But of course even if I drank cyanide I’d have to wait for minutes the damage to be done.  So I filled up another cup and downed it just as fast.  Finally I heard a voice laughing at me saying “whimp, come on you call that drinking. Go for a 3rd cup.”  So I filled up a third cup, up to the brim:  “oops just a little too much, that’s OK”.  I sipped half of it and started to feel slightly abhorrent to the alcohol taste.  I sipped the rest down and heard a voice say: “alright. Now we’re talking respectable.”  I looked at the 1 liter bottle of vodka now more than half empty.   I had ingested 24 shots of vodka in under 5 minutes and was walking just fine!

And I felt the the anxiety in my chest, that twinge go away.  Ahhh.  I felt normal.  I knew though that this was just a temporary transition stage and I would soon go over the top and start going into the intoxicated and eventually possibly the unconscious state.

I decided to celebrate a bit and cooked some mini tacos in an oven.  Then I cooked some apple turnovers.  All in all I was doing swell for about a good hour.  The final bites of the apple turnover started to not taste so good.  I started to feel a bit queasy, so I figured it was time to retire.

It was maybe 5 pm and I went to the bedroom to sleep.  Within the next instant I guess it’s 8 pm and I hear the voice of someone trying to wake me up.  A question: “Did you take any pills”  I say: “No”  The voice says: “I don’t believe you,” I retort: “No pills, just too much alcohol” I conk back out.

Feel so bad, so what’s going on.  And then I feel a surge of warm liquid gushing out of my mouth.  Oh my this is pretty disgusting. Not much I can do.  Then another huge gush.  Oh well.  I just lie in agony. Fuck!

I hear a voice: “I’m calling 911”  I start thinking “Shit! I can’t go into emergency I’ll be out of work too long. I’m already on the verge of unemployment. I can’t afford this now!”  I reply “No, no wait.  Please don’t. Just wait. I can make it” But part of me admits I might actually be in danger.  It’s really hard to breath.  Oh God it would be so great to get my stomach pumped.  Will this not stop!

“Do you want water?”  I reply “Yes yes” I think water will be good to start diluting the alcohol.  I can barely down a sip.  The water reminds me of agghhh vodka!  Suddenly I hear someone say it’s 3 AM.  Time passing so fast.  I swear I’ve been conscious all this time, but I guess not.  So sick.  So So hard to move.  If I sip any more water I’m going to up chuck again.  I start to feel like my heart is struggling to beat.  But then I think to myself that I’m in way better condition than I was a few hours ago, so this feeling in my chest is actually a good sign. At least I hope so.  “Maybe I should ask for an ambulance?”

I decided to shower and that was a big mistake as I struggled to stay warm and started to feel more nasueas. I hear a voice inside go I’m never ever going drink Fucking alcohol again.  Ahh. Shut up.  Don’t even mention the word or I’ll throw up.  Ahhh!.

I remember taking several trips to the toilet and nothing coming out.  I knew I needed my bowel system to clear out the alcohol.  But I swear my systems were flat knocked out and unconscious because for many many hours nothing, flat out nothing was coming out of me.  I should be dehydrated a bit, but I didn’t feel thirsty and could barely force myself to sip water. I wanted to throw up so many times but nothing came out.

By maybe 1 pm I’m able to stand and walk around without feeling like throwing up.  I start to notice that I’m less sick when I’m standing versus lying down.  I’m able to start cleaning up the mess I’ve created.  By maybe 6 pm I start to feel like I can down some soup.  I drink a bowl and start to feel not so well again. By 8 pm I actually start to feel hunger.  This is good.  I’m going to be OK.

One more human in this world joins the ranks of dunkard fools bent on self destruction.  I have strong bad memories of alcohol burning in my lungs.

So yesterday and this morning I woke up a bit groggy but both times I felt this urge to run.  And so I went for a slightly under 1 mile run and I was surprised how strong I felt.  I started off fast and didn’t have to slow down.  And as I was making the return leg of my run, I noticed that I did not slow down, I was not panting, or aching. So I just maintained speed, relaxed, and let my body just naturally accelerate with ever lengthening strides.  Wierd.  No actually neat.

So after cooling down a bit, I went inside and sat on the floor “Indian Style” and felt great.  Yesterday, I was in a hurry to get to my work place, so I couldn’t enjoy the sensation as long as I would have liked.  But today, I made it a point to take my time and just sit and feel it.  Every now and then my mind would chatter with: “But you should get to your office now, because you need to check up on things and see if there are any more updates on your job situation.”  I had lost my job this past Monday, and so the panicky part of me wants to drive me to invest every second of the day and night worrying about my future employment. I have 2 months left before I’m officially unemployed. In these times it’s in a way a test of your spirit.  Question just how important is your employment.  And realistically the panicky part often isn’t thinking so much: “I’m worried about your employment in say 2 months from now”, but more like “I’m worried about your employment the next minute, and then the minute after that, and again and again and again.”

The small voice within tries to get me to step back with objectivity and recognize that the chance of life changing opportunities being passed up every minute is far far lower than the assured loss of my quality of life if I worry about every minute.  Because in the end you know we all die.  I’m in my 40’s and my Mom and my grandfather both died in their 50s.  So if I worry about every minute then maybe I’ve got my act together, but it’s only an act to excel in dying sooner.

So yes all these thoughts flashed thru my body.  A voice panics, but what if your boss calls and complains that you’re slacking off.  You might lose your job.  Wait a minute.  You already lost your job.  And so I cleared my worries and just soaked in this bliss that was emerging from my belly.

Lately, I’ve been more observant of this sensation that’s been in the belly.  I’ve not had that much contact with that ecstatic  sensation of the Source that comes from the heart region.   I’ve had many encounters with that weak sensation in the belly, though. The best I can describe is, it’s like trying to push yourself to do many more sit ups than you can normally do.  Once you over exert your stomach muscles for the first time, you will eventually feel sore and your muscles may at times spasm a bit.  You feel weak and vulnerable.  That weak and vulnerable sensation is what I’ve come to recognize.

I recognize this weak sensation many times as a good thing.  Normally you don’t think of feeling weak and vulnerable as good, but for me it’s a clue that I’m currently on to something that is very core and true.  If I don’t feel it, then it more likely means I’m in this comfortable and superficial state of existence.  So when I feel it, I don’t want it to go away and I don’t want to ignore it.  I stop everything and listen and feel or at least keep a note that something core is happening.

So as I was seated, still cooling down from my run I just that weak belly sensation, and the act of sitting was almost like being able to fall asleep after a most exhausting effort. It felt so good just to let everything drop and to bask in this sensation of weakness and vulnerability.  And as soon as I acknowledged it was OK to enter this weakness, and in fact it just was, I started to feel a warmth and glow throughout my body, and then beauty from my heart.

WOW.

And so I felt like I wanted to sit here for a very very very long time.  This feeling is what it is all about. And you know what?  The time on the clock seemed to be moving slower.  You know all is well, not so much intellectually but emotionally and spiritually in this bask, this glow.  You don’t care much about anything as long as you can stay in that sweet spot of ecstasy.

I started to have a real real clear lucid dream of a picture that was aqua on the background with sort of vines, branches, leaves and flower patterns painted in the foreground.  I could feel but not see the overlay of this picture on low cut boots.  It was just so stunningly clear, even though what I’m writing probably makes no sense at all.  I guess the best sensation to show you this is to watch Alice in Wonderland in 3D and wait for the closing credits.  In the closing credits you’ll see vegetation slowly growing on the screen, and that sensation is sort of close.

So I’m going to soak in Source for a while longer.

I’d say after being thru Depression more than once it’s a bit confusing to describe when you know you are Depressed.  It’s really confusing when some mental health organizations term it a “Mood Disorder”.  Because of this most people just think of “Depression” as being really sad.  I think “Depression” on a human level is really really ambiguous and confusing to describe because it’s so many different things and symptoms to so many different people.  I mean someone could be exhibiting really despondent behavior and be more OK than someone who seems bright and cheery.  The bright and cheery person could be the person who the next day commits suicide and the despondent person just be fine.  But of course when I say “fine”  .. Who defines fine?

I remember a very enlightening talk given by a psychiatrist.  What he described was that clinical diagnosis is highly subjective.  The margin of error and dispute for diagnosing someone is quite large.  What this psychiatrist stated that ultimately it’s not about a person’s mental or emotional state that is the deciding factor, it comes down to their functionality and how much they are satisfied with their quality of life.  If a person is a constant pessimist, gets along poorly with others and is very isolated but they are comfortable to be in that state for the rest of their lives and it bothers no one else, then as a practical matter that person is fine.  If another person is generally level in emotion, but works in a fast paced job and is starting to get overwhelmed  to the point they are becoming non functional at their fast paced work, then there is a problem.

So here I am actually quite superbly functional in some aspects but in many areas something’s starting to fall apart.  But the fact that I’m falling apart isn’t important.  It’s the fact that I have observed what’s going on with me and I have made a judgement call that I don’t like what’s unfolding and I think I need to do something about it that is important.  The fact I think I need to do something about it is what takes how I feel from just another ambiguous emotion to something that could be classified as “Clinical”  So wierdly the desire to be better can be the deciding factor to determining if I’m OK or need help.  So if you decide you don’t want to get better you’re fine, if you decide you want to get better you’re not fine .. wierd hugh?

Well another way to look at it is compare it to something like crime statistics.  A decline in let’s say mugging statistics does not mean that there are fewer muggings, just fewer reported muggings. If a media effort comes out to encourage crime victims to come forward, the crime statistics may suddenly rise, but it’s not because actual crime level has changed, it’s just that more people are speaking up.  Crime statistics can go the other way  if a certain crime becomes socially embarrassing then the statistics will go down and so things seem better.  But in reality crime isn’t actually better.  It’s just that fewer people are speaking up.

So for me I think I would say that emotionally I think I’m mostly OK, but functionally I’m not quite there, I don’t like what I see and I want to get better.  Like today I was trying to contact my Oral Surgeon who I talked to a month ago.  I could not remember his name. I thought about looking him up, but you need to remember the name to look it up. I knew that maybe I could find it thru past medical records that were sitting a few feet away from me.  But it seemed all too overwhelming.  So after two hours of my mind spinning across all the different things I want/need to do, but not actually doing anything, I managed to do a search on the internet to recover the name of my Oral Surgeon and make a call.  I only got the answering machine, but at least I did that.  So here’s a case where one may say what’s wrong. I was able to make the call.  What’s wrong is I am going to have problems functioning in my current life if the task of trying to remember my Oral Surgeon is a 2 hour ordeal during which I do nothing else except stress out.  I’m about to forfeit some insurance claims because they seem rather insurmountable at this time.  My car is starting to break down.  I need a haircut.  Our dog will run out of food soon.  There’s a $20 rebate I’m wondering if I’m going to just forfeit.  I want to return a defective bag of popcorn.  I need to cancel a 10 week shipment of food which I don’t want very soon.

So this state of overwhelmness is sort of like the big suction of water on the shore at the front edge of a big Tsunami.  Everything is fine and alright.  Emotionally I’m fine.  I’m OK.  Socialize and talk with me I’m OK.  If and when I decide to just surrender and give up, the big Tsunami waves will be allowed to rush back in and then I’ll be the person once again lying motionless on the bed for many more hours as I allow myself to let things just fall by the wayside.  I think I can persist in this pre-Tsunami state for quite some time, but the fact I’m in this state means I’ve already entered the Clinical Depression state.

I am just raising the alarms for myself now, that now is the time to start heading back for higher ground.  But for the moment I’m walking further towards the more open spots of the beach vacated by that pre-Tsunami withdrawal of water into the sea.  I’m walking along towards the ocean picking up the exposed sea shells exposed by the super low tide, unsure exactly when the first rush of waves will come, but somehow still feeling like everything is just fine.

Clinically psychiatrists treats Depression as a state where the brain activity is unusually low.  Neural impulses are having more difficulty traversing throughout the brain.  They are being inhibited.  The anti-depressants try to counter this inhibition and get the brain activity back up to a higher state.  At the moment I don’t sense my brain activity is slower.  But then again if it takes 2 hours to look up a persons phone number then maybe it is slower.

You know how people as they get older describe time as flying by faster and faster.  I wonder if in fact aging, if allowed to follow this paradigm is in itself nothing more than a gradual process of ever deepening Depression.

I saw Alice in Wonderland, thinking it was going to be corny or silly, but I was surprised.  Yes in ways it does follow the original Alice in Wonderland story, but something about it was so hypnotic.  All I can say is it really did feel like a dream. It had that same ambiguous, sort of real, sort of feels nice, but something’s not making sense kind of sensation.  In a world that feels a bit too hurtful, insecure, unsure, and nerve wracking it’s so nice to think of being lost in Wonderland.

I so wished I could fall asleep and go into Wonderland.  Wonderland may seem at times a bit scary because strange effects beyond your control may happen.  Any wierd monster could pop out and eat you up.  But then you really get a sense that this is all your world and if you so choose to you can control the outcome of this dream, it’s a matter of you facing your demons internally.  And once you do the effect is realized in the outer world: the day-to-day life here on Earth.

I so loved the Cheshire Cat.  Menacing yet because part of your dream there to serve you.  The white queen with great powers that in theory could defeat Jabberwocky or the evil red queen effectively with holds her powers and remains rather helpless because she too is part of your dream and is there to help you become who you want to be, because it is pointless for the white queen to succeed if you have not grown.  A crazed-mouse whose your friend could crazily try to poke your eye out or throw a tea cup at your head.  A rabbit that seems to be your guide seems ready to facilitate the good white queen or the evil red queen.  And finally the arch foe, the mighty Jabberwocky, greets you like an old friend, even though he calls you “old foe” is there to server you to push you to your ends that you will fail if you do not give it your all. Even the Jabberwocky who you created in your dreams is there to server you.  Both sides the light and dark side are all their as your friends in the end.

I really like this movie.  Tim Burton did a masterful job of conveying the story.  I was no longer seeing a flat symbolic portrayal of a dream, I came closest to feeling like I had fallen asleep and was dreaming.  The movie really had a lot of heart.  There was a lot of perspective in being able to see the good in all.  You learned to feel sorry for those who seem wicked, because they had a troubled or unfair past.  You see the power of kindness.  No, kindness doesn’t always play out as nicely as in Wonderland, but this is about dreaming, and it feels good.

A bit dare I say like that nice warm feeling I have called the Source.

Oh by the way, in Alice in Wonderland the Mad Hatter puts forth the following riddle: “Why is a raven like a writer’s desk?”  Supposedly there is no answer to this question.  However, I believe I have come up with the answer, if even Lewis Carol himself doesn’t know it.  The answer is:

“The Raven conveys the future much like the writer knows the story he has written from his desk.   The Raven is the symbol for omens, considered wise and portentuous.  In Norse mythology two ravens kept watch on the world and advised the high god Odin. Alice wrote this story which was the dream, which was Wonderland. This was the reason this riddle was brought before Alice in her dream to trigger the understanding that she was the writer of her dreams.  The Raven is the conveyor of that story that is being written on the writer’s desktop.  The Raven is like the writer’s desktop.”

… Dare and try to think of six impossible things to do every day

So the days leading up to this past Sunday’s meditation were rather nerve racking for me.  I was being pulled from two directions.  If less people showed up there would in a way be less pressure on me to lead.  I mean if no one showed up then I can just sit there calmly in silence by myself.  But then there was a big part of me that would feel devastated that no one would want to show up.

In the purist sense if I’m leading a meditation then it’s about me meditating and being in the moment whatever the environment.  It’s all about being. So if one person shows up then it’s about being in the energy of this one person and in a way customizing the meditation to that one person.  If thirty people show up then its about sensing the energy of thirty people and carefully moving the meditation so that everyone can best follow.  All the while including myself.

But in the past few days I have not been that “purist”.  I’ve been more that insecure person hurt if I perceived “no one likes me” or scared if too many people “like me a lot and now expect much from me”.  But I guess the fear of being liked to much is just that you can’t believe people would like you for just who you are as opposed to some amazing feat or mood you established in some fortunate coincidence that will never be repeated.  The fear is that you can now only disappoint people and they will quickly lose interest and “run away” from you.

So when I did my first Self Love Meditation back in January those who attended raved about their experiences.  The setting was intimate and the emotions were high during that meditation.  Those who attended then spread the word to others who couldn’t make it and then I got messages mentioning regret they didn’t make it and that they wanted to know when I would host another meditation because they definitely wanted to make it.  Some were even asking if I had a recording of my meditation and I did.  Some mentioned I should create my own workshop of meditations and if I did they’d be eager to attend.  So here’s the downside of this, my self-esteem really rose, I tried to keep my expectations at bay, but in the end it’s so hard not to let your ego creep out of the bag just a little.

Within days after my January Self Love meditation I got an invitation from the author of Chicken Soup for the Prisoner’s Soul to host a meditation for him.  That was the one I just did yesterday, Sunday.  Riding on this wave of enthusiasm I hosted yet another meditation on February, a Fear Meditation.  I was more nervous then ever at the Fear meditation but overall it went well. But at the Fear meditation I started to feel my first pangs of insecurity.  Because many of those who raved about the January Self Love mediation, somehow seemed to cool off and were all somehow too busy to attend my meditation.  So then I even contacted some of those who didn’t show up for my February meditation and they all mentioned that they were too tired, anxious or busy to make it.  I started to wonder maybe the idea of a Fear Meditation scared people away, or maybe everyone was only interested in experiencing the Self Love Meditation.

So when the notice went out that I was hosting yet another Meditation, I started to feel the shock of dead silence.  No one responded.  There was zero interest in attending my Self Love Meditation.  Even the sponsor of the mediation group couldn’t make it (was busy with work).  And it seemed that once the sponsor couldn’t make it all the interest died in my Self Love Meditation.  But everyone seemed to rave about the Self Love Meditation. So either that was some fluke because of the state of mind of the people, or I did something to piss everyone off so they specifically want me to fail and just go away. And a few days prior to my meditation another person was hosting a meditation.  That person seemed to downplay any expectations on his meditation, but somehow he got very good attendance, in fact from all the people who ignored my meditation.

There was one small spark though.  A new member who had never met me before signed up for my Self Love Meditation.  So on Friday morning, the day before my meditation, there was one person from the hosting meditation group interested in attending my meditation.  The author of the Chicken Soup book informed me he was bringing some 8 guests along with him.  I had asked my brother to come with one guest.  So without the meditation group we had a sizeable quorum, but it still bothered me why there was so particularly weak interest in my meditation.  But I was glad to have that one person from the meditation group attend.  At least he would be eager to attend my meditation, appreciate it, then go home and several hours later decide to hate me and never want to come again to another of my meditations.

But on Friday afternoon I felt the final blow to my wounds.  The sponsor of the meditation group posted a sort of impromptu notice of a new mediation to be hosted the next day Sunday.  He was going to play a recording of meditation he’s done several times before.  This is a meditation I believe you can download for free from the internet. And within minutes that solitary person who was planning on attending my Self Love Meditation pulled out and quickly signed on for listening to that recording of a meditation.  So he’d rather drive to a father off location, and listen to a meditation he could listen to anytime on from the internet instead of driving closer to listen to a live Self Love Meditation that is customized to the moment and can be heard no where else.  Ouch!

So Friday evening and early Saturday I was definitely emotionally challenged.  I really started to doubt myself.  Why the heck was I fooling myself about leading meditations. So what that I’ve spent may 20 years of my live struggling and writing a book on spirituality, leading a few classes on spirituality, and creating a bunch of self healing exercises, in the end it was maybe all baloney. I should just concentrate on the important stuff like working hard, make lots of money, buy lots of material things and toys to hide my misery.  And if that doesn’t work quit my life and disappear to some remote 3rd world.  Ahhh!

Emotionally, I wanted to cancel the meditation.  But I had made a commitment.  So I went there a bit low in energy, but was glad to at least have my wife there.  My brother and his friend showed up.  I showed up at the Brandywine Library room. It was warm, sunny and there were other people and the energy felt better.  I was a couple minutes late to my own meditation!  But there was no rush, so that was good.  I set up a my own wireless microphone system thinking that the acoustics of a large meeting room would be much worse than in our small living room at home, especially because I tend to have a soft quite voice.

So what I can say about this Self Love Meditation is that it is a bit different from the one I lead in January. In some ways I think I’ve improved the technique of it a bit.  The microphone definitely helped a lot. I added a new element.  I know the words I said were different.  And yes once again some people did have tears only more subdued because it was a brighter more public setting.  The meditation was about 15 minutes longer than the first.  I was only expecting 30 minutes, the Chicken Soup author had told people it would be 45 minutes, and to my surprise it was actually about 45 minutes.  Usually there’s about 10 minutes of silence after I finish with the “after glow” of calmness that you sort of feel.

When I heard the feedback coming to me my self-esteem started to recover … a lot.  I then asked everyone if I could lead yet one more exercise.  This was a mix of a body work exercise and meditation.  I was a mixture of Chakra Toning meditation and a principal I picked up in a Feldenkrais seminar. This one took almost another 30 minutes.  And I think everyone appreciated experiencing this.

Another person who is part of another meditation/yoga group was now asking when is the next time I’m hosting.  This felt good because it was validation from someone whose already got a regular mode meditation now genuinely valuing what I had to offer.

So overall I’m happy.  I’m still digesting these past couple of weeks leading up to the meditation.  I’m not sure when my next mediation will be.

Around 6:00 pm I was preparing to go out to get groceries by myself. The sun was going down and I felt a big loss of energy. In fact everytime I thought of heading out it was like a huge suction of energy, and I really needed to lie down. But there were tinges of a sharpish kind pain in the lower front neck, just below my Adam’s apple and achiness and ichiness in my chest. There was anger there to, like the kind that would make me drive my car into a light pole at full speed. Not that I was that close to doing this. I mean I could have grinned and beared it like most people do and made it thru my day, but I decided to not do this and take my time.

And so I parked in a local shopping strip, shut off the car. And I just focused on being. Yes this was a meditation, but it was mostly just dumbing myself down so thought stopped and I could just be. I allowed myself to just falling into that deep depression state of motionless. Then I ever so slightly wiggled my fingers and toes and allowed whatever sensation from my chest to happen. Only a slight Source sensation, but the fact that I was just being passive was powerful, no focus or intention, just be at the mercy of what ever may happen.

I then started thinking of activities I wanted to do, felt any discomfort and really really sat and held in the feeling and eventually I’d suck in a breath and release in a sigh with each sigh a release of another blockage. I started to think of the upcoming days and my fears and was a bit surprised to uncover some angers there too. I sat and followed the pain in it’s sweetest spot, not letting myself slide away. My body would naturally or rather spontaneously suck in and release in a sigh. This sigh is like the sigh and shudder a child would have after completing a very heavy and exhausting crying episode.

Each time I got my attention back to the present I felt better. I felt that angry child emerge and suddenly thought of that bottle of pain killers I wanted to overdose on.

I talked to that child within with words like: “Why would you want to do this from your anger. What would you really want? Love and acknowledgement perhaps?” I talked to that child with words of: “I can give you much better than what overdosing would do. You don’t need to hurt yourself to get my love and attention. Let me give it to you now.”

I was better, less alone. Like a best friend was sitting with me and walking with me. So I entered a local Panara Bread store better, got a coffee, and just felt like an “ordinary” lackluster person just doing, nothing more or less. It was OK.

I love myself. I do I do.

So back in January someone asked me to host another meditation on March 6th. And it seems that as soon as it was announced by email and on a website its been met with sort of a cold silence. Its like all the people who gave me encouragement in my first hosted meditation to start hosting meditations were angry with me and are specifically boycotting me?! This may be my mind jumping to outlandish conclusions, but let me rant anyway. Its almost like as if people were jealous of me or feeling like I cheated or stole an idea they started. Like others had started hosting meditations long before me so how dare I get too cocky and start hosting back to back meditations! So its like this message delivered with total silence saying, Well show Wilson. Well just silently but politically correctly snub him out And if he asks well give him an excuse like: Oh I already had something to do.

So anyway Ive been asked to lead a Self Love Meditation. Im prepared with the possibility that I will in a room large enough to hold some 50 people and leading only two other people. It will go on record as possibly the least attended and least popular meditation session in our Meetup. This could really hurt. But I guess its OK.

My favorite room in Delaware Art Museum

My favorite room in Delaware Art Museum

So this past Sunday I found myself sleeping a lot more. It was actually kind of intentional. I woke up around 8 AM and then later went back to bed around 10 AM and slept until around 2 PM. It just really felt good to just waste the day away with the sun shining thru the windows all around the bed.  I eventually  got up and headed out to a relaxing time at the Delaware Art Museum.  On Sundays admission is free.

I eventually got to my favorite room inside the museum.  The lighting is low.  They have a stain glass window display, some furnishings on display and some that you can actually sit on.  I ended up plopping myself on one of one of the padded benches and just soaked up the calmness, the history, the aura.  I looked down at my feet and realized I was sitting on possibly an antique rug.

antique rug

antique rug

I took off my shoes and rested my feet on this rug.  I then imagined that sometime in the future the curators decide that they should protect this rug and they later encase it in glass and hang it on the wall for display.  Many years in the future this rug becomes quite rare and valuable.  No one can ever touch this rug again.  So I come back to the present with a sense of great privilege to be resting my feet directly on this rug.

This sense of being present and being privileged and greatful stirs up the Source.  I start to feel some ecstasy.  This is what it means to be present and to be greatful.  Whoever is in your life.  Look at your current surroundings.  Many years in the future these people these surroundings will be gone and you will miss them.  How much you will start to wish you could go back in time and experience what you are experiencing now and taking for granted.  Soak up every precious moment of now, slow time down and savor ever second and make each second last.  Wow how precious.  Let me live life fully in the present moment.

This is the “Power of Now” that Eckerd Tolle refers to.  This is a path towards touching the Source.

I want you all to understand when I lead a meditation it is very much about being genuinely and authentically me but also addressing the idea of satisfying whoever I lead.  So if I lead a Self Love Meditation, it’s because I’ve found that I definitely need lots of self love, and what comes forth when I lead is that all my senses are all involved in all the insecurities and desires within me that justify the fact that I need love.  So then I want to convey that experience over to whoever I lead.  I also want to be as convinced as much as possible that they get that same experience.  And when I sense they are not quite there I adjust what comes out from my mouth.  When I lead a meditation I do not want to “cop out” and just run thru a simple script of:

step 1) Ring chime.  And have everyone take slow deep breath in and slow deep breath out.

step 2) Wait a long time

step 3) Mention words like “bring your attention back to the breath” and “just notice how you feel”. Then go back to step 2.  Keep going in this circle until 30 minute have expired.

step 4) chime. Phew your done.

Because then meditation falls into this blase category of an activity to merely relax muscles so that you can cope with your “true purpose” in life which is to make money during the day in order to support your self esteem, pay for sustenance, achieve as many things and buy as many things as you can before you die. And when meditation is in this blase category it’s an activity that you do only when you are feeling better and strong enough to do it.

I believe in an authentic intent in a meditation so that it falls in the category of something you do when you are feeling bad and weak and need strength.  When it’s authentic and well practiced then when tough times hit the meditation can be employed on the spot, inside of your head, silently and experienced throughout your body in seconds or kept on and off over the course of your entire day acting like an affirmation reassuring you that all really really is OK even when all is really really in flux and seemly coming apart.

So on Wednesday I lead another meditation. This one was focused on Fear.  It was a particularly interesting one to lead because the purpose of the meditation was in a way to diffuse fear and I had been nervous about leading this meditation.  So the plus side was the more nervous I got, the more personal fear I had to address to provide fuel and content to lead my mediation.  So in many ways this meditation was about constantly seeking ways to address whatever fear I had in the present moment.  Oddly if I had absolutely no fear then my meditation on fear would sort of been listless with no purpose and effectiveness.  But I did have plenty of fear so as I was preparing to lead the meditation I would run thru various exercises inside of myself and feel out which exercise addressed all the fears, anxieties and tenseness that coursed thru my body at various times.  And so at times I found myself spontaneous chanting unintelligibly some Native American sounding chant along with a Buffalo drum to clear the air of nervous mental chatter.

And so from all these exercises came forth this meditation.  I present to you this Fear Meditation.  You can listen or download it from here.

My general sense of the outcome and feedback from the meditation was that it wasn’t the same as my Self Love Meditation.  I was kind of concerned about the fact that people wouldn’t like this meditation as much.  However, I had to face the reality that this was a meditation that involved focusing on fear and it’s more desireable to be hugged and loved in a Self Love Meditation rather than be challenged to face fears in a Fear Meditation.  The energy in the room was also not quite as warm as it was when I lead the Self Love Meditation.  Some old faces were not there and were missed.  And there were some new faces.  The energy was more heavily male than female as well.

But in the end I still got quite positive feedback.  Now I’m a bit less sure of what’s next.  I know that I will be leading another mediation on March 6th.  I don’t know what though.  Should I lead the tried and true Self Love Meditation or try and listen to what the next Meditation should be.

So yesterday  I went to eat lunch in the city of Wilmington. I was looking for parking spots and I was fortunate to find one right next to the restaurant. I mean at this time with all this snow piled up on the sides of the road parking is very hard to find. Before I had found this prized parking spot I had noticed there were several open spots some 5 blocks before I go to this spot. I then found myself thinking why I didn’t park there. I mean I have complained that I often don’t have time to exercise and here I am intent on saving time by parking closer to my destination so that I don’t have to exercise. Think of the benefits of parking farther away from your destination. It was a clear sunny day and so I turned around and parked farther from the restaurant. It was nice.

On they walk back from the restaurant to the car, I started to drift back into the days when I couldn’t drive. I imagined I was at the age where maybe I wished I had a bike to get to where I wanted faster.

I am now a kid. I imagine what it would be like to drive. But alas I’m too young and can only walk. And as I walk I’m focused on walking carefully on the narrowly plowed sidewalks with occasional patches of slippery ice. Here I am walking along a good friend on our way home from the local store. When I walk I find myself daydreaming a lot. I don’t have much to do except maybe keep my room clean, study and do my homework. The day moves slowly when you walk. I don’t know what you mean by tax refunds, filing for medical reimbursements, keeping appointments, filing papers, having to know so much about computers, having to worry about so many different things. I just tag along with my parents when they go out or just pass the long long days with a good friend. You know we should build a snow fort when we get back home. That would be really cool.

Ah yes, what a wonderful gift it was to not be able to drive?!

And now back to the present. Here I am in front of my computer screen on a huge desk with papers or receipts I want to address. In my computer bag is a book I borrowed from somebody 6 months ago that I really wanted to read but keep getting mentally blocked up in being able to read. There’s a book I’ve been writing myself for several years that badly needs some editing that I’m blocked up in being able to read again. There are loads of medical submissions for reimbursement that in December I had all lined up, put in order, and prepared. Probably only about a couple hours of work in all but it’s just way too hard now, that I feel like at best I could write and rant for a couple of hours about the couple of hours of work I can’t seem to bring myself to do.

I’ve been so blocked in some area of my mind that it’s actually hard at times to listen to music. About 3 months ago a friend I keep in contact with by email had strongly recommended I listen to an album by Mathew Good Band. I remember being so eager to get the album. I was so excited, but then when I got the album and started to listen to it, I found my mind getting distracted and impatient that I just couldn’t absorb the music. It was like listening to music but forgetting what I had just listened to as I was listening to it. It was like audio Attention Deficit Disorder. I found that actually I was struggling to listen to almost any music. I completely lost interest to all my favorite songs loaded on my iPhone. I’d play a song and within 10 seconds I’d switch it off because I was too tired and busy to listen to it! My friend asked me a few weeks ago did I like the album and I could only tell him I was still trying to listen to it. And then a week ago I was waiting for someone at a local music school and I decided to listen to this Mathew Good Band album I’ve been struggling to listen to and then suddenly the songs started to stick. I was starting to enjoy and become fascinated by the lyrics of the songs. And after the songs were done some of them replayed in my head. The tunes were catching on and playing in my head. A block finally broke free that allowed me to start enjoying music. I can not say I’m unblocked. I’m just much more aware because of this experience with music that I am blocked somewhere.

And as to the Source. The connection is a bit more “blocked” I think I can always kind of getting in that area of euphoria but it’s definitely damped and I can get distracted and forget about the connection and in so lose that connection. And so this longish (but realistically 5 blocks is not that long of walk) walk on a cold but sunny winter day in the city of Wilmington allowed me a moment to witness the benefits for me being able to regress to doing things less efficient, less timely, less responsibly and less intelligently. Becoming willing to let responsibilities drop by the wayside. Being willing to “disappoint myself” in keeping up with tasks or accomplishments. Then being willing to let go of the reason to be disappointed.

It’s not better. It’s not worse. It just is. That is all. Just be.

Muffin In Boots

So today were getting hit with another major snow storm. I decided to put boots on my dog and it was so WONDERFUL and special. You see about 7 years ago I used to run with my 10 pound Maltese Dog, Muffin. I had invested in running boots (sold by neopaws.com) to protect her paws while she ran with me on the road. What I remember in those early days is that when she wore those boots she ran so hard and so fast, it felt like she was a tiny wild stallion exploding with furious speed. Surely if she were the size of a horse shed be a Triple Crown winner. And then maybe 4 years ago the running ended.

It all started because someone on the side of the road screamed the crap out of me for abusing my cute dog by having her run. It was a lady possibly in her 60s screaming with veangance calling me with all the nastiest anger in her heart. She called with words like “most disgusting person,” “worst *#!@ bastard” and possibly a bit worst. It definitely hit me hard. I was so very pissed at that lady. I also lost interest in running. And then a few of days later Virginia and I went for a walk with Muffin and at the end of the walk Muffin was limping. We took her to the vet, and he prescribed anti-inflammitaries and asked me to consider knee surgery. Muffin eventually recovered, but while she was recovering I was devastated. The screaming of that lady now really hurt now. I watched Muffin try to do some of her silly things and she would collapse as her hurt leg gave out.

I would never run with Muffin again. In fact I almost never ran again. I would discourage Muffin from running period. Im always just a bit scared. I can always hear her knee caps clicking and its a constant reminder to be careful, but I have to say she doesnt seem to care in the least.

So back to the present.

I had noticed the cold snow seemed to bother Muffins paws. She’d come back with chunks of ice sticking to her legs. I feared it might be bad for her knees. So I dug out those boots from the past and put them on her.

Then WHAMMO, Muffin came to life. Her face lit up as if to say to her boots:
“where have you been!”

She started running around in the apartment around, and around, and around so many times. She ran so hard inside the apartment that the rubber soul of her boots left black skid marks all over the kitchen floor. She was ready to go for a run!

I put on my boots and when we hit the hallway she exploded with fury, running harder than I can remember in a very long time. I had no choice but to run to keep up with her. We got outside in the snow and she turned into a wild Alaskan Huskie madly running thru snow that went over her head at times. She was in absolute bliss in those magical boots that turned her into super Muffin, with super speed.

It was just so great for me to see this. It was like that moment in the past came back and Muffin was just saying to me :

“thanks so much for the running days. The glory days are back! Yea Daddy, man Daddy just live life to the fullest. This is great. Just run, run, run so hard until you can’t run and then just run!”

I can’t quite fully place it, but when I see my Dog run with so much enthusiasm it makes me smile inside. That smile inside is kind of like the Source. Maybe it is the Source?

So now Ive been putting boots on my dog when we go out in the snow. Its funny. Its heart warming. Its healing but its so much more that; so the best I can say is: It just is.

The past couple of days I’ve been making a concious effort to allow myself to fall apart. I mean it so instinctual of me to just snap back into attention if I allow the day-to-day things of life enter my life.  I’m referring to things like making sure you pay off bills, filing for reimbursements, finding out that your auto registration expired 6 months ago or getting an email from your workplace requesting you come in for an emergency meeting. The best I can describe it is that I start existing in two dimensions.  One dimension is the outside Wilson that is always OK no matter what.  The other dimension is the inner Wilson that during evenings and early mornings shows the real signs of any wear and tear.  I can be truly exhausted and disillusioned but you hit me with “Wilson Wilson you need to fix a computer system at work ASAP, now URGENT, pronto, my body snaps back into action and I’m back to the always OK Wilson even if something inside really feels tired.  So there’s always this disconnect between the “outside Wilson” and “inside Wilson” and so I think how things start to fall apart is that “outside Wilson” starts to make mistakes, lose attention, and just appear only when it’s necessary for public interactions. So long as the public interactions are a small percentage of my life then I can be in these two dimensions.

There’s a movie called “Mrs. Doubtfire” starring Robin Williams who plays a man who has lost custody of his kids after a divorce and tries to get more time with his kids by disguising himself as an older lady “Mrs Doubtfire” in order to fool his ex-wife into letting him be the Nanny for his kids. In this movie he often has to switch back and forth between the two disguises.  I guess it’s a bit like that with the two dimensions of me.  But I guess it’s probably like that for all of us who put on masks for the public.

In the end you can’t keep it up.  Life has a way of cornering and you pushing you to just let down that mask and let things fall.  I remember about 4 years ago entering clinical depression.  It’s that state when the “inner part” of you has been so neglected for so long that you can no longer hide it under the “outer part”  You’re past things like stress, fear, and any sadness.  You enter deep apathy.  You no longer have the strength to hold up the mask.  You’re just plain so tired you just want to sit and stare at a wall for a long time.  Then I remember about 2 years relapsing once again, but this time I had to take time off.  And what was odd was when I started to really take time off I initially sank into a the deepest depression of my life.  I think what happened is that these pockets of fatigue over some 20 years of my life had been skillfully tucked away in places hard to find and when I was given the time alone to just sit, and sit and sit for hours and days the pockets were slowly allowed to open up and I really felt the full force of the neglect in my inner self.  In this deepest state of depression it was like being hit with the worst case of the flu only no fever and it will last much longer than a flu.   But what I remember was I did lots and lots of sleeping and lying around in bed absolutely motionless for long spans, no desire to get up, to eat, or drink.

Looking back to that state I recognize the “healing” perspective of going to this deeply depressed state.  In a way it’s like going thru a genuinely deep meditation.  When you normally think of meditation it’s a concerted decision and effort to be still, to breath, clear thoughts and to notice physical sensations.  But if you’re lets say completely exhausted it’s a completely natural act to just collapse and be still, breath, clear thoughts and notice physical sensations (at least until you fall asleep). There is an inner part of you that needs attention and you can make a conscious effort to honor your inner needs by doing something like meditation.  If you continually neglect yourself though and don’t do anything to address this, something will give and life will make you stop in your tracks whether it be a physical health problem or clinical depression.

So invoking that “healing” aspect of my deepest depression days these past couple of days I’ve been trying to allow myself to “fall apart” and do so under my control.  I sleep longer.  I sink into deep motionlessness.  It’s been good for me.  It’s a turning point in me to embrace this state.

Because it was this state that I had first made contacts with the Source.  Just let it go.  Just don’t care anymore.  Then just be.

Its funny. It seemed that after the ranting I did in the prior post I got that fear out. I just went ahead and offered to host the next Meditation Cove on Feb 17th. It will be a Fear Meditation quite appropriate because of my fear of leading a meditation.

About two weeks ago I was pretty sure that I’d be leading a meditation on February 17th. But now I’m not so sure.  I’m getting really really cold feet.  It feels like things like addressing some personal issues in my life have fallen by the way side this past month and things like preparing to lead meditations might be the reason.  I am still trying to sort out why I even decided to lead a meditation in the first place. My biggest reason was that I could use it as a basis to be more socially active and so help enrich the my life, and my relationships.  But there are disconnects here.

I mean I’ve both tried the let’s go out and meet someone for dinner or at a movie route to get to know people.  But usually I find I only get to know people superficially at a restaurant or movie, unless by chance I strike a deep connection.  Say you’re not a natural talker, like me.  Say you’re uncomfortable with someone but you really want to tell them that’s bothering you that concerns them.  At a restaurant or movie you can avoid the awkward talk more easily by focusing on the taste of the food or he action in the movie.  When you feel uncomfortable the there is desperate need to do anything to fill in that silence and so you will often succeed in avoiding to talk about the think you wish you could talk about but are scared to talk about. This is why I thought my meditation as the social activity was going to be the key.   So I have found that it’s true that meditation can help set and focus the mood to talk to people at a deeper level, because everyone feels it’s now socially acceptable to be silent and not have to fill the awkward silence with chatter, because the silence is what you are expected to achieve.  However, if you want to mention something you are uncomfortable with to another person the meditation does not in itself bridge the gap.

So if you are going to mention to someone else that you kind of felt hurt that they seemed to want to avoid you, will you actually have the courage to mention that feeling to another.  Because doing so can make you sound lonely and vulnerable and make the other person feel awkward. Will you actually have the courage to share what is embarrassing, possibly politically incorrect, and  to reveal how much you don’t have “your act together” as much as it may appear.  That in fact you might be “in a total shambles”.

Also that small quiet voice I call The Source has been feeling very quiet and even confusing lately.  I get the message of why put myself thru so much grief leading a meditation when it’s supposed to be more like a hobby?  But then I sometimes get the message “Whoa wait a minute.  You are not going to quit leading meditations because this is at the core of your voice, of your personal expression.”  And then in the end I get “it doesn’t matter.  What ever you decide it’s all OK. I love you period.”

I recently committed to leading a meditation on March 6th for Tom Lagana the co-author for “Chicken Soup for the Prisoner’s Soul”.  Yes the same book series lead by Jack Canfield.  So it’s a step up in expectation from the Meditation Cove meetup group.  Part of me is screaming “I want to quit, it’s too scary”  Then part of me says it’s OK you can do it.

I have to admit possibly the rave feedback I got from the last meditation I lead both built up my confidence as well as eroded it.  Because now I’m thinking how am I ever going to top that first meditation!  But since when is a meditation supposed to be a peformance?  What if they aren’t as emotional as with that first Self Love Meditation. What if they say things like “eehh. It’s just not that good anymore.  Ahh the first meditation must of been a fluke.  You know next time we’d rather have someone other than Wilson lead a mediation.  I don’t see what the big deal was all about Wilson.”

But then I come back to the voice inside that says, “If that happens, it’s OK and actually good.  It’s a growth experience to go thru disappointing others”. I also have to keep coming back to the voice inside that did say that the right time to lead is when you are least sure.  Because then it’s true you and hard to believe it, it’s the true person that people value.  The more vulnerable and exposed the better. Really.  It may not make for a great recording, but believe me in person it will be the most potent, for those who are being lead thru the meditation and for especially you who is very scared at the thought of leading a meditation.

Ahhhhh!. What am I getting myself into?  Should I quit this now while I can or should I stick it out?  Is this a growth opportunity for me or am I putting myself thru unnecessary grief?

To all.  I’ve just finished editing and putting out my first meditation.  This is a self love meditation that got rave reviews from The Meditation Cove group.  Just click this link: http://www.meetup.com/Meditation-Cove/calendar/12215660/ and read some of the comments.  Some people actually cried at the end of the meditation. I’m curious how you feel after trying this meditation.

So why don’t you download the recording and meditate to it.  It’s in stereo and the quality is definitely CD audio quality.  Download onto your iPod or any player that can play AAC format files, dress in comfortable clothes, go into a quiet room, turn down the lights and put on stereo headphones.

Listen to the recording here

If you want, you can also click the “down arrow” button to download the file to your computer.  The downloaded file is CD quality stereo and can be anything that can play AAC format files (Ex: iTunes, all iPods, or most premium MP3 players).  I’d be very curious what your experience is.  Is a recording of a live meditation as effective as a live meditation?

Much more often it is the talk of the Source to me that gives me the courage to lead meditations.

So today I successfully lead a meditation with Eric and Virginia. Oddly in some ways I was more nervous with this meditation than last Wednesday when I had some 5 more people all with higher expectations and experience.

I found my meditation taking longer than expected as I perceived that Virginia, Eric and myself were having difficulty turning the course of the meditation. You see when I lead a meditation I pay attention to the reactions of people and try to readjust to better meet their needs. And so because I was having difficulty leading I had to drop out parts of the meditation.

I was somewhat prepared to get some disappointing feedback.  But when I was finished I got positive feedback from both Eric and Virginia. I felt dissappointed with my meditation but everyone else was happy with the way things were.  I thought the last half of my meditation was a bit confusing.  I also thought that the first half of my meditation floundered a bit.  But somehow they liked it.  Maybe it was my voice.  Oh well, but this was definitely a confidence builder.  I really appreciate he support I got from Virginia who has at times been my toughest critic.

Anyway I was bothered with my Fear meditation and started to think of things I would do differently.  Then I went back to my book “Spirituality for Real” and looked up the section on the Fear Meditation.  And when I read it, I realized what I was missing, and I realized where I lead my meditation in an awkward direction.  What I had read made so much more sense.  As I was reading it more I thought to myself that “Wow now this is good!”  I can’t figure out why I didn’t make myself read my own writing, to read the meditation I had created.  I guess I was so nervous that I couldn’t manage to read one minute’s worth of text and get my meditation right from the start.  Oh well.

Now if I ever decide to lead a Fear meditation again, I’ll have it right and it’s now fresh in my memory.

So Wednesday night I successfully lead my first successful group meditation.  Virginia and I had been going on and off to a meditation group called the “Meditation Cove” that meets mostly in Delaware.  Members of this group typically volunteer to host this meditation at their home, usually playing a recording of a guided meditation.  So we decided to be daring and host a meditation at our place.  I decided to up the anti by hosting myself with my own meditation.  So I was definitely putting myself up for criticism.

Anyway on Wednesday morning Virginia had informed me that all our spots where filled up.  In fact with another person not registered planning to come we were technically overbooked for spots in our meditation.  So it was kind of exciting.  It’s kind of like trying to host your first party and worrying that no one is going to show up and getting RSVPs that it’s going to be packed.  In the end there was one person that got lost trying to get to our place and gave up and two others that were no shows.  However, we still had five other people make it, enough to make it feel like healthy gathering, and very ideal for an intimate meditation.

So Virginia and I dedicated all day in making our Apartment “meditation mood” worthy.  We de-cluttered things, cleaned carpets, cleaned off years of accumulated dust on the lighting fixtures, and more prominently arranged things like crystal rocks, “buddha bowls”, salt lamps, sound system, musics choices, food and drink arrangements, furniture positioning, heating and air filtration all to maximize a clean, calm, and quiet mood.  I think we are pretty happy with the way things looked.  We did ask ourselves wouldn’t it be nice if we could keep things this nice looking all the time.  Because it was nice.

So I was glad to start off my meditation not knowing quite for sure how long to make it.  I’ve never practiced or timed any of my meditations.  Oddly I get more stage fright making a recording of meditation alone versus doing it live in front of people.  So as a tool as used my iPhone to both record my meditation while running a meditation app to help me track my time.  I’d say initially I did get a bit nerved because it seemed my meditation was moving much faster than expected.  For a while it seemed I was on course to complete my entire meditation in less than 15 minutes, which is a  bit short of what most people expect, which is a full hour.  However, while I was doing the meditation two concepts were in my mind. They were:

1) Quality vs Quantity:  I focused on sensing if my meditation was producing quality experience in others and myself versus just filling in the time.

2) It’s OK to just be:  A characteristic of meditation is the ability to do nothing, be silent and just be.  No pressure no expectations, just a confidence to just sit and stare at each other blankly and feel comfortable.

So I allowed myself to pace things more and allowed the others to breath and observe their breath more without directly engaging their ears.  Several hours later Virginia explained there were a couple areas where she felt I was moving thru topics too quickly. So this let me know that perhaps I in a sense to much concentrated quality and needed to dare slow things down, way down to allow everyone to absorb the visualization concepts I was putting forth.  So in this case adding quantity, even filler blank time to absorb would actually increase the quality of the meditation.

My delivery of the meditation I felt was very good, very personal, very genuine, very soft, and very loving.  Towards the end of my “Self Love” meditation I was surprised at people starting to cry.  I knew it was an emotional meditation, but I didn’t realize how much.

And then I reached the somewhat awkward part, the end of the meditation.  So briefly I got very nervous again and started to think of how to lead people out of the meditation back into rising out of the seated position or getting something to eat or drink.  I started to feel a bit paralyzed and so just sat there watching some people with eyes open looking around for a cue and others still with eyes closed.  It was like they were all waiting for me to make the next move to get up or engage them, to tell those with eyes closed to wake up or those with eyes open to continue with the meditative state.  And so I just realized that it seemed natural for everyone to want to stay were they were and so I relaxed on the floor with no intention of getting up and said something like: “I guess you kind of don’t want to get up. I kind of don’t want to leave this place”  And everyone opened up and agreed and settled into the carpet even more.  I felt this major cramp develop in my left foot arch and I just calmly massaged the cramp away while seated on the carpet, staying silent and calm while everyone else was just calm and comfortable just sitting quiet on the carpet. One person whispered “Excellent facilitation” to me.  I then asked what they thought of the meditation and the feedback was “wow”.

One person said I could do a workshop with this meditation.  The discussion moved into how I came up with the meditation.  I mentioned that a good part of the meditation was impromptu based upon the mood I felt in the room.  I then mentioned that I had a few other meditations tucked away in my repetoir and someone commented that I should share more of the “Wilson Series” of meditations.  Virginia was sitting next to the piano and see felt encouraged to share some songs with close connections to self love.  She played and sang “You are Loved” and “February Song” by Josh Groban on the piano.  Two people joined in singing the first song and on the second song one was in tears.

It felt good.  We had made this a special night.  Think of hosting a party and having as your goal making everyone feel good, more loved, included and not left out.  No need to be superficial, our goal is to get you to take off you masks, settle in your old clothes and socks and emote, please do.  Everyone joked they wanted to sleep over. We should have a slumber party.  Somebody should order out for pizza.  Everyone hugged each other warmly before we all parted.

I like this.  Now this is what socializing should be more about.  I will continue to host meditations as the basis of socializing.

So on Friday I managed to lead my first successful meditation.  It was just Eric, Virginia and myself.  It lasted only about 10 minutes and was sort of interrupted a bit as Eric was coughing a lot and had to excuse himself a bit to calm down his coughing.  Despite this fact I felt more confidence come within in me as I moved thru the meditation.  I finally felt confidence in leading a mediation this Wednesday.  I don’t know quite what path my meditation will take, but I know it will turn out fine, and in fact very well.

I have been starting to notice more frequently this tightening or tremoring feeling in my torso more often.  It’s partly nervousness I guess, but I think it’s more so my body just resonating on a true path as I’ve had this feeling when I was feeling completely safe but just simply on a roll of many realizations and insights.

This morning I’ve really started to notice a different aspect of the Source.  Now I start to listen to the Source.  And when I listen to the Source talk to me, I then start to feel the Source.  But I can’t quite say the Source is speaking words to me.  It mostly speaks feelings to me, but then the words start to fly off the feelings.  The best I can describe what’s happening is like when psychologists talk about the mental tapes that we play in our heads.  For many of us we unconsciously play over and over again these negative voices in our head that criticize us for fear of looking awkward, or stupid.  There are words that no one loves us, or that we are not doing enough, or why can’t we stop doing things we don’t want to do.  We beat ourselves up often.  So when the Source speaks it sort of speaks on the same level as these unconsciously played mental tapes.  It speaks softly and clearly to replace these mental tapes with positive, encouraging, praising, reassuring and loving tapes.

For the moment I’m feeling this state that the Source is capable of loving me more than me.   It can give me love where I am not strong enough to give myself the love that I need. And when I listen I start to feel nurtured and I start to want to serve the Source.  I don’t think I’ve been asked by the Source to do anything other than just more or less put one foot in front of the other and don’t get down on myself.  I had been encouraged to go serve in the Emmanuel Dining room because that is what I wanted to do but not much more.  I’ve been encouraged to go forward with this meditation on Wednesday and don’t be scared because it is will all be good.  I don’t have to quite my job and become a missionary, I just need for now just to listen to the soothing song of the Source and then just feel the love and feel good about myself.

So I finally got myself to serve at the Emmanuel Dining Room in Wilmington, Delaware.  I got back that feeling and desire to serve, but it probably wasn’t as strong as it was a week ago.  What I felt was that it was important to serve because something from this would give me strength to continue the next step.  As to what the next step was I didn’t know but one thing seemed clear that this was a needed step.  It’s like when someone tells you the answer will appear when it is time.  Oh geez.

The Emmanuel Dining Room is a real nice setup for anyone interested in volunteering.  It’s very informal.  You call up the Dining Room ahead of time to just find out the times they are open and then you just show up.  There are no commitments or expectations.  If you’re there great, speak up and ask for direction in what to do and just pitch in.  If you’re not there we never expected you anyway.  On the day I served there were more than enough helping hands.  My impression is that they generally never run short on help, so mostly volunteering is more about what it gives to those who volunteer and not so much about what it gives to the hungry who eat there.

When I go there it was a bit intimidating because it was located in a semi-rough part of Wilmington.  The place was located close to a major road, but then again there have been drug related crimes including shootings in this area, somewhat rare, but it’s happened near this area.  I was unable to find a parking spot next to the major road so I had to park a block away.  The fact that I was parked near a major church didn’t seem to help that much.  The fact that it was raining and miserable outside did help, because I believe bad weather tends to deter outdoor activity, including criminal activity.

When I entered the dining room there was an immediate energy shift. The best adjective I could use to describe this was: “hard core”.  You cold smell the body order of unbathed homeless, but it wasn’t too strong. The room was smallish, capable of seating maybe 30 diners maximum at a time.  You could imagine this being a prison camp cafeteria being run by some local tribal leaders.  It was “hard core” because you could definitely sense that the people here, the volunteers or the diners have frequently brushed with are have been part of some “hard core” activity like maybe drug dealing, car theft and robbery. However, just the same you also felt this deep reverence and respect for humanity.  There was definitely an air of respect, orderliness and compassion for all in this room.

If you enter the Emmanuel Dining Room, you will be accepted, you will be promptly seated and you will be served immediately.  You’ll get plenty of water to drink, and additionally maybe some additional bread rolls and tiny desserts.  If you wear a hat, please take it off before eating.  You don’t have to eat what you are served but remember there are no second servings allowed here.  When you are done you’re expected to carry your used plate, cup and silverware to one of the volunteers, but it’s not required.  It’s just that it’s respectful behavior if you do. But just the same we’ve got plenty of volunteers ready and willing to help you because it’s respectful behavior if they do.

Things are loosely managed at this place.  You start off asking what you should do and then you start looking for wherever help is needed.  Few words of direction are said, you just read the situation and look at the flow of things and just fit in.  As a newbie volunteer you’ll just carry plates of food from the kitchen window to a seated diner.  Initially it gets busy for the first 5 minutes as you shuttle back and forth between the kitchen and the dining tables. But then you reach this slightly awkward stage where there’s maybe five volunteers trying to decide who is going to feed the single new diner who just entered the door.  So then you the volunteers try to be polite in allowing each volunteer a turn to serve.  Everyone eagerly wants to be doing something, as it feels like a privilege to know that you are doing something good, that each plate you get to place before a diner is yet another “atta boy” for you.

The portion sizes are maybe equivalent to a Nutrisystem diet dinner with dessert.  If you manage to scarf up extra bread rolls or mini-dessert items then you get more.  Today for lunch it was two hot dogs, a scoop of baked beans and a small dessert (like half a banana). If I was hungry I’d scarf all that stuff down in a few minutes which many did.  But I was surprised at the many who didn’t.  Another person walked in and then walked out because they were now serving ham and he refused to eat pork.  I saw several cases of mostly filled plates being thrown away!  But then I saw cases where some people gave others the food they didn’t like.  I saw another man stash his hot dogs in a plastic cup as if to ration his meager portion for later in the day when he was back on the streets!  You see the Emmanuel Dining room is opened for only 1 hour a day.  On week days they only serve breakfast in the morning, and on weekends it’s lunch only. So you had better make the best of your stay here because you may not eat again until the next day.  I saw another couple trying to stash extra rolls and into a plastic bag for later.  With things like the dinner rolls and the mini dessert items there was no formal rule on the maximum you could take.  Finally, I saw one diner having a plate of food turned away.  The person directing the diners recognized his face before; this person was trying to get a second serving of food.  The person was allowed to sit down but he was told respectfully as possible that he couldn’t get any more food.  There was no more commotion as no one could blame the person for trying, but these were the rules.

As I served I felt there times I could almost cry.  I wasn’t sure though if it was because of sympathy for some of these diners or because of the joy of being able to serve.  There was a fair amount of food that diners threw away, and at least one of kids of the diners had owned an iPod nano.  So one at times could question how bad off really were some of these people or how much benefit we were providing to them.  But once again for me it was more about what it did for me.

At the Emmanuel Dining Room there are times that you have one hungry person and a dozen people ready and able to serve that person.  So it’s a privilege to be the one that serves that one hungry person.  There are plenty of helping hands here.  There is no desperate need for you help.  You are there to help because you expect to be given the chance to help and feel good about this.  The veteran volunteer workers recognize this and so they tend to sit back more and let you eagerly have at it and do the work you want.

I will come back here again to help and to receive, to learn how to feel honored to serve, to learn how it’s a great privilege to be served or to serve in this place. To receive the gift of relearning how to be compassionate and respectful.  And all the while acknowledge your own feelings be it pity, criticalness, fear, confusion or whatever was on your mind before coming here.

I will come back here again.

I remember when I was in grade school the country of Haiti was mentioned as being the poorest country in the world.  I mean it was so poor it was already a natural disaster and  it has been this way long before I was born.  If you read about Haiti on wikipedia you’ll see that ever since 1492, when Christopher Columbus landed there and claimed this island for Spain it has been stomped on, mistreated, beatup and cheated so many times by so many different wealthy countries (US included) its so ridiculously sad.  The original natives were pretty much overrun and wiped out and replaced by a new population as a result of the influx of African slaves and European settlers.  But then even this new population continued to hold the tradition of being beatup, stomped on, cheated, and mistreated.  The per capita income of Haiti is below $500 a year and the average life expectancy has been 53 years old.

So this latest earthquake was a natural disaster tacked on top of a natural disaster.  But if you step back I wonder if this is a gift, curse, or just another ordinary bad day for Haiti.  It could be just another ordinary bad day for Haiti because if you’re already used to death and starvation for generations, if you’ve already reached rock bottom, can you really get that much worse?  It could be a curse as most of us are thinking because there is now going to a lot of major suffering, starvation, and dying and we just can’t bear it if we put ourselves in their place.  But then again it could be a gift, because this earthquake has put them into the badly needed spot light.

I just wonder how effectively will this outpouring of financial aid actually reach and benefit the Haitians.  Will corruption and or bureaucracy stifle much of this aid.  In several months will Haiti become forgotten once again and return to it’s normal natural disaster like plight?

Also, is it me or does it seems that the really bad disasters seem to hit poorer countries of the world?

There was one other thing I picked up from the Tuesday writers group meeting, it was the sensation of Grace. Someone had read an essay on her experiences growing up with a historic bookstore in Philadelphia. The writer described her recent visit to the bookstore and the experience of Grace, that subtle soft sensation of something simple and nice. I contrast this to how I’ve been describing the Source as something that is ecstatic.

But I think Grace and the Source are different sensations of the same thing.  I feel that few people experience the ecstasy of the Source, but that many encounter Grace.  If you connect with the Source, you’ll definitely know it because it’s rather overwhelming.  If you encounter Grace you might not notice it.  So it would seem the connection to a divinely Source is more profound than a more Earthly Grace. However, something in me says that Grace is an immensely more powerful connection.

You see the irony of the Source is that it is strongest where it is weakest. Keep your senses out for the quiet subtle areas in life that are inclined to be overlooked. When things get soft, subtle, in-transition, unclear, fuzzy, blurred, a tiny speckle, a minor disturbance, and make you lose focus ever so briefly then there is the entry to something very great.

So those simple pleasures in your life that you have tucked away in your memory. Those are hugely powerful, more than I can know, more than you’ll ever know, and maybe more than anyone will ever know.

Spirituality Author Carolyn Myss has mentioned that the Divine works backwards. This is true about the Source. Try with great discipline to reach it and you may never know it. Giveup in failure, collapse in futility, and then stop trying and then it may come to you behind an insignificant opening on some discarded item. It comes to you not because you’ve earned it, it just comes to you as a gift, the result of Grace.

I was able to start of my morning setting with that ecstatic sensation I call the Source.  I wasn’t quite on point and so while it was nice it was a sensation that I could easily lose with a distracting thought.  I’d say for the moment a lot of my ability to touch the Source are my memories.  It’s like I play a recorder in my mind of those particularly special moments and the recording is able to recall a good part of those very nice physical and emotional sensations.  Even as I’m writing this, my mind flashes back to those sensations and it feels so nice.

So right now I’m getting back into that state that I would feel encouraged to do things like volunteering my time at a local dining room.  I am building back my gumption to start leading meditations again, after talking more about my experiences with Virginia.  And I have renewed interest in working on my book.

Back in 2005, I had started my book: “Spirituality for Real: Beyond the Incense and Meditation.”  I had then spent the next several years constantly rewriting and editing the manuscript.  Still so far I have not published this book.  My highlight so far has been getting an accomplished spirituality author  Carolyn Myss to read my manuscript.  I’d then sort of shelved my manuscript for about a year growing tired of constantly rewriting it.

Then tonight I went to a local writers group, mostly for socializing.  I dusted off a copy of my manuscript and expected to just read a small well polished section.  To my surprise as I was reading aloud I found my ears at times couldn’t understand the words that were coming out of my mouth.  I started to stutter, stumble and edit my words on the fly.  I started to think: “Wow, this stuff needs a lot of work”  I started to feel a bit embarrassed.  I handed a copy of this to Carolyn and to two other people!  But with this embarrassment was also renewed energy and excitement in getting back to work on my book.

The other writing group members started to ask me more questions about what my book was about and got more and more intrigued.  What stuck with me were comments that they really wanted to hear more about me, my story, more so than me conveying different concepts of spirituality.  Suddenly, my insides were shaking and starting to go in knots.  It’s sort of like that sensation when you’re deeply scared of confronting someone and you’re now making that initial confrontation and stumbling over your words, except here I was attentive in listening, not scared, someone else was confronting me and doing all the talking, and the words felt like they were coming from an old wise source being channeled through the mouth of the people speaking.  The words struck a chord deep within me that made my insides wake up and listen to what my ears were hearing.  The idea was impressed upon me that behind my book is an unwritten contract between me and the reader to promise to stick to telling my story and apply due diligence to not deviate from this contract. That idea gave me renewed spirit for me to follow, to guide how I plan to further work on my book.

In some ways this blog is part of that spirit. Behind this blog is a commitment that I have to you the reader to tell my story with the greatest of courage.  The more I can reveal the truth, with less and less fear the more I will be rewarded with freedom and the better the content of this blog.  In the end this is a testament of my worth.

Yesterday I was feeling really up and was all looking forward to volunteering at the Emmanuel dining room. Now its all sucked out of me. Im in disbelief that for the past week my enthusiasm was so up. I felt as if it would such a great honor to serve, but that feeling is gone, zilch, nada, zippo.

I think it started when I tried to share a meditation with Virginia. Virginia was trying her best to be supportive of my desire to host and lead a meditation for a local meditation group at our place. I was nervous but I went ahead. For the first minute all was OK, but shortly she was criticizing it, and I had to end it. I was hurt, a bit angry, and then controlled my temper. What I didnt realize was how badly I was hurt.

So Im pretty wounded. Im OK to just be, but Ive lost the wind in my sails. But with time things will get better. I need to process this lesson.

Anyway, Im feeling a bit nervous now. I was planning to lead a meditation in a about a week for a local meditation group and now Im not sure this is a good idea. If I cancel now I could bow out gracefully, if I wait till the last minute and change then Im more likely to look bad. So for now Im continuing and whatever happens allow it to happen and just be human about it all. Its all OK.

I did feel glimmers of that ecstatic feeling this morning. What was odd was that I felt inclined to stop referring to it as the Source. Its like theres too much ego with that name. So all I can say is I touched it. I call it, it.

I had some revelations this morning.  This is very intimate stuff.  I’m going to feel a bit embarrassed because some of this stuff is going to sound a bit crazy, maybe. But what the heck, here goes. If you get critical try and be kind.

1)    The child is at the 3rd chakra; the source is at the 4th.  The angst you may feel in the chest is the source trying to pierce thru to reach the call of the child.  For there is now emptiness, also a great fear of letting go and so for now there is great resistance and the resistance to what you seek is the pain.

2)    In the beginning there was one.  Then the critical parent was allowed to enter and it created separateness.  One part was the source the other was the child.  The source is in the mode of loving; the child is in the mode of receiving. The parent is the go between.  The parent must fulfill the role of the source, because the child believes in the parent; if the child didn’t then the child wouldn’t exist and there would be no separateness. Remember the story of the Garden of Eden.  Remember Buddhist thought of existence and suffering.

3)    The source is both the outside and inside.  There is love that can be received from within going out and there is love that can be received from around you showering down or all around you, encasing you.  And so you are the darkness in between, the separateness without which there would only be one. Remember the hypersphere.

4)    When you are in union with the source you are the source.  But this state is to be distinguished from an ego-filled state of I’m greater than you.  It is more of a matter-of-fact statement that I am the source, the giver of love and if you ask for love I must give it, because that is my purpose. This state is very much one of service, not of being served.

5)    Your goal is to bring all back to one.  For all that are separate love them and bridge the darkness, bridge the gap, and bridge the separateness.

The child within that becomes angry, love him.  You are the adult/parent loving that child. You exist because the child exists. The child exists because you exist.  Soon you surrender to the source and be one.  Soon you the child listen directly to the source.

Hear the language of the source.  The source speaks more in a language like a young puppy giving licks to you when you cry from sadness and loneliness.

I’ve become to be able to hear the Source speak to me.  It’s not so much an audible voice but rather a being immersed in love and in that huggy/lovey/nurtured state your mind starts to blurt out thoughts/words coming from the static like one sees patterns in supposedly random cloud or star formations.  It’s like that voice that comes out when you’re involved with something bigger than you that everyone touts is the newest, and greatest and you are in the minority that says something doesn’t feel right that possibly the small, the original, and the simple was the best. That feeling that something doesn’t feel right is the voice.

This is why it brings you so much joy now to think of working in a soup kitchen.  Because it feels so much like an honor and gift to be in communion with the source.  To serve the source.  Then to become the source and serve the child/children.  To be one.  To be.  It is so real.  It is so grounded.  It is so love.  It nurtures me. It nurtures my child. And it even nurtures the critical parent and adult.  It makes me smile.  It gives me joy, even ecstasy.

I felt stressed yesterday as I was planning an outing at the movies with a friend I hadn’t seen for several months.  It became stressful to me because final plans didn’t unfold until the final minutes.  As to why I can get stressed when plans keep changing until the latest moments that’s another issue. But this stress plus staying out later probably translated into it being hard for me to rise out of bed today.

There were several times I tried to feel out the Source and it just wasn’t working.  There was just too much angst going on inside of me.  I also had the perception going on inside of me that Virginia was upset with me.  Something inside of me just felt beat up, anxious and tired.  I hoped I could draw upon that ecstatic feeling of the Source to heal the angst.  But I couldn’t.  I then switch tactics to just sit and feel the full extent of the pain behind the angst.  And I recalled that time some 10 years ago when I first encountered the Source while under great suffering.  When I did allow myself to just sit and allow my angst to fully express itself, to be fully felt, I did start feeling some of the Source.

This is the first time I could almost admit I heard the Source talk to me.  You know how they say listen to that small quiet voice inside of you.  Well this was that small quiet voice.

When I drove to work this morning I did start to feel the Source more.  I think it was the Sun being out on a crisp winter day that triggered this sensation with the Source.  Most certainly I would say it’s easier to ge that connection to the Source in the Sun versus using artificial lighting in the evening.

I’ve definitely bought into high technology hook, line and sinker. I use the latest generation iPhone cellphone and use it to listen all my music, track all my appointments, get instant push mail, update my blogs, check the weather, check local news, find nearest restaurants and call ahead, navigate to any location or address, check traffic, make phone calls, text messages, instant messaging, do shopping, keep my journal/diary, use alarm clock to wake up, use sound machine to help fall asleep, and depend upon iPhone find feature to allow me to find my phone via GPS if I ever misplace it.

It’s all very cool, and gives me a sense that I’ve got my world all together. That I’m the most prepared for all types of unexpected contingencies, because I’m covered with a multitude of technological solutions on hand at any time.  So when something goes wrong it’s surprising how disconcerted I become.  Maybe it’s because my full time job is often doing technical support for computer problems.

A couple nights ago I was bothered because I noticed that my high speed internet connection was getting slow.  Not so long ago I bought into Verizon’s FIOS internet service that promised to be super fast.  But I had been noticing that with time it seemed to be getting slower and slower.  After much fussing around I fixed the problem by turning off and back on the device that provides our wireless internet service and for unexplained reasons the internet was moving faster than ever.  A couple months earlier I had similar technical problems and had to disconnect and reconnect another box to get things working.  And now today the AT&T cell phone service to my iPhone was completely out.  I called customer service and they confirmed they were aware of the problem, apologized, and then asked me in a bright cheery tone if I felt satisfied with the service.  Was I satisfied?  I felt a disconnect occuring within me.  I complained about the lack of service hoping they would suddenly stay on the line to fix things for my phone, said I was satisfied with everything outside of the fact that I had no cell phone service and hung up.

But the anxiety in me was niggling and my techno mind was whirring away for a solution.  I then played with a setting on my phone that disabled something called 3G and suddenly things came back to life.  I felt the anxiety go down as I had both solved the problem and discovered a remedy for the future should my phone have the same problem.  But there are so many things that can technologically go wrong and my sense is that as time goes on and computer technology gets more complex things will only get worse (read http://www.tiredmiddleagedman.com for blog on technological woes).

So it brings me back to spirituality.  I think it’s very good to be able to hold on to something that is 100% reliable or at least very close to that.  Technology is not that.  Technology offers convenience like being able to do all those things I described I can do in the first paragraph.  But it’s almost like it gets me addicted and then at times without warning, usually during the times of greatest need, breaks down and fails to work, leaving me with feelings of inadequacy, anxiety from loss of control in my life.  Going from OK to feeling inadequate and anxious from a piece of technology that some could argue is just a toy to occupy my time, is a problem.  I’m so naked and vulnerable.  At times I think about just start unplugging from technology.  Lose my ability to keep in contact with people anywhere and anytime and go back to a time when there were no cell phones or maybe a time when you just wrote on paper and sent things thru the mail and otherwise just did things as you went along.

I have nothing much to add about the Source today.  I can’t say I had much of a connection today.  The techno-anxiety I described above kind of got in the way.  I did feel the Source most strongly when I was listening to Virginia play and sing on the piano.  There is definitely something special and magical listening to live intimate music being performed by someone you know more intimately than any other person in the world, especially if that person happens to be talented enough to record music that can sell.

So last night Virginia interrupted my sleep to inform me she was upset because she couldn’t find her diamond studs.  Admittedly, it started to get a bit worried and anxious about where she could have placed them.  Whenever, Virginia gets upset I find it hard to not get caught up. Besides it always does tend to bother me when something is misplaced.  My mind naturally starts visualizing all the places it could be. My “ESP” sensors go on heightened awareness.

So I needed to find a way to diffuse a bit of anxiety that was starting to rise up.  My mind started to think what if she did lose the earrings. Supposedly they were insured, but what if there was some mixup so now they aren’t?  I needed to stop from going ultra paranoid and just let go. Because despite the fact the earrings are quite valuable they are in the end only material things and material things can not be relied on much to support your emotions.  I started to think about the fact that in general expensive jewelry tends to offer a much larger risk of unhappiness vs. happiness.

Think about it.  Let’s say you strongly desire a $1000 (or whatever you’d consider expensive) plus piece of jewelry.  You get an initial satisfaction then in buying it and putting it on. But then you start to worry about losing it.  So you tend not wear it that often for it’s protection.  Then for as long as you don’t lose the expensive jewelry your emotions are sort of neutral, as the initial happiness has worn off.  So there is no more upside in happiness you can get from the jewelry once you already own it.  However, there is plenty of downside in happiness the moment you sense you’ve lost it. You get a sense of this coming out of the quote from Axel Munthe “What you keep to yourself you lose, what you give away, you keep forever.”

Anyway I was starting to feel this anxiety sensation niggling in the chest region.  So I then started visualizing the Source.  I felt the Source calling on me to visualize it as a prized diamond.  A small bright diamond is sort of like the pictures I have drawn of the Source.  Unlike a diamond the Source can not be lost and can be relied upon to place your emotions.  And as I visualized the Source as a diamond I started to feel that ecstatic sensation.  And then I felt happiness and calm.  I fell back asleep.

Admittedly talking about sex is embarrassing to me.  However, there is an undeniable need at times to compare the ecstasy of the Source to that of sexual orgasm.  Many know about sexual orgasm but few about this ecstasy from the heart.  What I will say is that for the longest time I had experienced the heart orgasm and sex orgasm as quite different.  Both are pleasurable, but the sex orgasm is fleeting and often more of a release of a tension while the heart orgasm doesn’t necessarily ever end and is more of a letting go as a result of having no tension.   So for the longest time while they both had some similar intense sensations I always found that sexual orgasm did very little to help one find the Source.  However, I had always found though that a heart orgasm would tend to intensify any co-existing sexual orgasm. Lately that has been apparently changing probably because I’m continually mastering how to invoke this heart orgasm anywhere I am.  So now sexual orgasm has at times triggered a heart orgasm.

With that said, I will say that last night I had the biggest heart orgasm ever.  It actually got so big that I started to get a bit scared that I was going to explode or die.  I felt my chest muscles and my stomach muscles spasming.  The Source had expanded to really big.  I just lied and let go and allowed it to expand and it went way beyond my capacity so inevitably I tensed up refocused to dampen the connection.  It was really nice.

Even as I write this entry many hours later my chest is starting to tremble, my fingers are finding it hard to type, my stomach is tying up in knots. Only when I stop typing and stop taking my mind back to that ecstasy does it let up.  I’m probably also feeling the effects of that Healing Journeys Meetup, I attended yesterday.

So today I attended the Healing Journeys Meetup and was deeply moved on an energetic level. It was totally wierd and hard for me to describe. All I can say is that when I heard other peoples stories my mind was clicking away trying to probe the truth of the issues in each person and with each insight that emerged I found myself so eager to speak up, like an excited grade school student vigorously raising his hand to get the teacher’s attention (ooh ooh ooh call me!). But each time I shared my thoughts I felt like my foundation was coming apart.

First my hands got shakey. I was drinking water and had to start using 2 hands to steady my cup. I spoke up more of the truth I saw and then my stomach was starting to tremble. Each time I spoke up there was more insight, I didnt want to stop. I was so curious and fascinated that I think I could have talked for 3 hours. But each time I spoke up I got even shakier. The talk was starting to get real juicey for me, but I decided to quite and leave early because the strain in my stomach, the weakness in my body was about to overwhelm me.   I felt that if I stayed any longer I would inevitably open my mouth one more time and then collapse. I left with my stomach feeling like it had a huge gaping hole, like I had just done hundreds of situps, my stomach muscles were starting to spasm. My legs were weak.

The first insight came with the statement that “The path to Hell is paved with good intentions.”  Suddenly I had a strong disagreement with this statement.  I mean if you did accept that statement as true I would counter that the truth of those good intentions lies a level deeper.  There is an aspect about situations that implicitly serve ones purpose. So even though you do something with “good” intents and end up hurting someone, examine deeper if this outcome though has a benefit.  For example: “Oh I’m so sorry I really meant to get you a gift but something came up and I got too busy.”  So on the surface of the facts taken at face value yes you may have had that intent but I think it’s dancing around the truth which is more like:

“I feel like I should get you a gift to not look bad, but if it weren’t for the guilt I wouldn’t want to get you a gift.  But somehow I didn’t get you a gift as I though I should have and I feel guilty and am trying to ameliorate this guilty feeling (which is just me criticizing myself).  I really don’t want to get you a gift because I don’t feel like I’m poor, or I no one pays enough attention to me, or I’m angry with you about something that happened.  But I also don’t want to make things worse so I’m doing damage control of apologizing for not getting you a gift, which tends to work best for me because I will probably avoid getting you a gift and be able to numb my guilt till the next time I feel like I’m supposed to get you a gift.”

I’m much more of the belief that accidents do not happen.  So for me I’d say “The path to Hell is very predictable and the good intentions that have been paved for you are fronts for the true intent that even the actors are not consciously aware of”  Just as how a chronically ill person complains that they don’t want to be ill, but has benefits from being ill that no one wants to examine, most people do not want to see these “true” intents.

The next insight came as a result of comments on why your intents to achieve something fail.  It started to open up the discussion to “law of attraction” kinds of stuff.  Someone complained that despite all their best and hard fought intentions they are getting thwarted.  That person stressed how so angry he was that he was emotionally out of commission for a solid week.  Other people chimed in with the sort of “cop out” answer of well maybe it’s because the universe feels your intent and is finding a better path for you to satisfy your intent.  What I don’t like about it is that it’s based on the concept that the Universe is your “candy vending machine” and it’s there to serve your whims.  It always satisfies you, and if it doesn’t it’s just you incorrectly accessing this “candy machine” So you can fault the user for not visualizing or believing they will succeed in their intent.  Or you can fault the user by lacking the insight and patience to recognize that this infinitely more wise Universe is creating a better solution to meet your intent. My insight was that it was the anger itself that was the most important item and not the intent.  Everyone else was trying to focus on ways for this person to succeed in his intent by finding ways to diffuse his anger so that he could continue to be encouraged to try again and achieve his intent.  I saw that the intent was unimportant.  It was this persons anger and possible underlying hurt that was the most important thing in the Universe. So this person needs to address and examine the nature, size and characteristic of this hurt even if the Universe must make him fail at every single attempt to further this intent to do so.

A ancillary insight was that Anger is not to be avoided.  The idea was put out that getting frustrated and angry starts to take you out of being able to be meditative calm and present.  But I now saw that Anger, especially strong anger is something that needs to be fully felt.  Doing so is being genuinely Now and Present.   In anger over failed intentions its the anger and not the success of the intention that is important.

I also described the meditation I do in order to be Present.  I was surprised how others found what I described new to them.  So it further highlighted that stuff that I sometimes take for granted as everyday fluff really has some unique and substantial meat to it.

Last night I went with Virginia to visit her family and her in-laws. Something about the visit was troubling. I thought to myself Id rather be meditating, trying to connect with the Source. I took a critical look at myself and thought that I was probably behaving slightly anti-social. I tended to end my conversations shortly, and I didnt do my best to keep the conversation flowing. So at first I wondered if I was just being a negative person, a sour puss, a fuddy-duddy. But I also had to respect that something inside of me wanted to be in a more spiritual state and the atmosphere seemed very non-spiritual. Understand that I have a specific understanding of what it means to be spiritual (see http://www.wakundama.com/spirit.html ) and upto now I only thought of the functional aspect of spirituality and not the aesthetic aspect of spirituality.

I think of spirituality as a practice of seeking and fulfilling your souls purpose and your soul being your spiritual contract that attract events in your life to complete the terms of that contract (read more in the book “Spirituality for Real”). But I de-emphasized the aethetics. By aesthetics I mean that one will tend to perceive a man dressed in a bhuddist robe as more spiritual than a man in a designer suit. At first it sounds like Im judging a book by its cover. However, there is definitely something less distracting to an earnest quest to find your souls purpose when you are dressed simply and you act harmoniously with your surroundings instead of trying to stand out or show off. When the energy is filled with attempts to look good, to not look bad, to get envied by others, its all very superficial and I feel that a superficial environment ungrounds you, drains your energy, and deters the search for purpose; it is “non spiritual”.

So what was bothering me in the presence of last nights gathering was the superficiality. Things that stuck out were empty statements like someone saying “you are welcome to stop by our home anytime,” when in actuality the message was “we don’t mind if you come, but only under special circumstances because otherwise it’s going to be awkward for us.” Then someone made the comment to my widowed Mother-in-law of how all she needed to do is find a “sugar daddy” so she could ask for things like jewelry to make her happy.  My sister-in-law chimed in, “what you mean, I could use a sugar daddy too”  Then others kind of chimed in with approving chuckles.

Last nights superficiality triggered a former wound of superficiality a few days earlier only I didn’t know it was a wound until last night.  On Christmas day Virginia, my brother and myself were watching a Chinese martial arts romance movie.  The movie was sort of a Romeo and Juliet kind of movie with the two lovers being lead super fighters from rival clans.  The movie trying to highlight the true power of love.  There is this one scene were the leading woman asks the leading man “what will you do when my hair turns grey?  Will you still love me.”  The man responds with something like “Don’t worry.  When you’re hair turns grey.  I will find the drink of immortality for you and your hair will turn back.”  The woman responds with overjoy and the bond for love is sealed.  I’m thinking is something wrong here?!  Are people not aware of how superficial things are?!  So this movie planted a wound in me I guess.  And it was really noticeable last night.

All I know is that I’ve become more and more emotional about non spiritual conducive activities.  It’s becoming something that I’m less able to ignore because it starts to make me feel sick to the point that death starts to look attractive.  It’s rather hard to get superficial in death, it’s real and it’s direct.  When people witness death and ask why do bad things have to happen I think the fact that death is something you can not deny, that it’s so real, and so direct is one reason why death exists.  The statement “why do bad things have to happen to me?” is in a way a statement of “why can’t I just continue in my superficial life with lessening meaning and purpose?  I just want to be comfortable, I don’t want purpose.”

Over a year ago I was lying in the deepest of depressions. I was definitely one of those people that could lie motionless for hours staring at the same crack in the ceiling. Then there was one day a psychiatrist had prescribed me a stronger anti-depressant mix of medication and within 10 minutes I had a euphoric rush. I was told that this could not be the result of the medication because it takes a couple weeks for chemical changes to occur. But during that time I started to experiment with ways to bring about this euphoric rush. I found that sometimes doing things like recalling that euphoric sensation, slightly wiggling my fingers and toes, and just allowing my heart to just be, set off things.

There is one significant thing I did manage to accomplish and that was starting to draw a picture of what the Source feels like. With this picture I could at least reinvoke the sensation by starting at the pictures of the Source. I dont know if when you look at the pictures will it invoke the Source within you.

Let me start with my basic drawings:

Look carefully and in the above youll see a speck. That speck is the Source. The fact that it looks rather insignificant and easily overlooked is a key characteristic. So this is one aspect to touching the source, its an increased awareness that it will be that small insignificant thing in the corner of your eye a particular glint of a sensation that will be a trigger point for entry to the Source.

If you were to look deeply into that speck you might start to feel something that looks a bit more like:

Tell me if you look at the above now enlargement of the Source, what do you feel in your heart? This is the still small quiet voice that some have mentioned. Look more deeply at this. Dont force it, just start to let it be and see if the sensation of the Source expands naturally on its own. It may start to feel like:

If you feel the source at this size it means it has expanded to the point that you can just start feeling the euphoria. Now the next picture is what it felt like when I was at the height of my euphoria.

When I look at the above picture I can start to feel that euphoria resonate from my chest. Those of you who are attentive might notice that theres an insignificant looking speck at the center. Thats no insignificant speck. Its very significant, but I wont go into it at this time.

Let me go one stage further in pictures to where Ive been:

So I will end with a statement that these are the very first time I have ever shared these pictures with anyone. I dont know when Ill get back to discussing them, but I feel they are very key pictures. What will start to follow are some real world pictures of where I can see/feel the Source. And in all these pictures the basis is what you have seen in this posting.

Love yourself for you are the One.

So this Christmas day was a mixed one.

I got to feel just a little sense of that childhood homeiness with dinner at my brothers place. I really appreciate home cooked meals over going out and meeting at a restaurant. This was the up part of Christmas.

The down part was all the stress around gift giving and it ultimately ended up on me doing a moderate overdose of pain killers and hard liquor.

I think its true that each Christmas I get a better realization of what Christmas is about. I mean many people complain about the materialism behind Christmas. We probably have all heard that the Holiday period from Thanksgiving thru New Years this is the time where people are most likely to be depressed and suicidal. So my first inkling is to be a proponent of doing away with the materialistic aspect of Christmas. Maybe boycott Thanksgiving, Christmas Day and New Years Eve by doing everything that can be done to make them ordinary work days just like any other day. It seems the Holidays has a lot of superficiality about them. However, if I back away a bit I wonder that there must be some spiritual purpose for the existence of Christmas in its secular form. By secular I mean the Christmas thats about Santa Clause and is joyfully celebrated by atheists, and many non Christians around world. Historically, what is the deep spiritual purpose of all this festivity that has to occur during winter time. What my sense is, is that this is sort of an end-of-year survey of who we each are. If throughout the year we are superficial then it really gets exposed during the Holidays. I mean the idea of being generous is noble, but why restrict it to only Christmas and forget about it the other 300 plus days? So maybe the path to having a joyous Holiday season is NOT about putting the planning into mid-November thru the end of the year, but rather committing to sharing and giving from January thru October.

In other words I guess the Winter Holiday season is about reaping the harvest of what you have sewn throughout the entire year. If you have sewn your life in loneliness, isolation, fear, bitterness, superficiality, then the closing season of the year will be one more of suffering.

So for me things got tough and I hurt myself with my act of overdosing. But I raise this act up here in this blog because I think it does have a connection to the Source. There is within all of us a inner part, some may call this an inner child, that needs to be loved and heard. When this inner part is ignored you start off a lacking and longing, that if further ignored turns into hurt, then anger, and then acts of bitterness against others or yourself. If you continue to ignore bitterness turns into rage leading to violence to others or yourself because that inner part really needs to be heard and attended to. That inner part, that inner child and the Source are very much connected at the waist.

Loving that inner child is like loving the Source. Its an act of nourishment and priming the Source to glow within your heart. So what Ive seen with this act of overdosing is a message gone to long unnoticed of the increased urgency for me to attend to my inner child and in so attend to the Source.

It all started around 1998 (read about that time inwww.wakundama.com) when I was in the midst of a period of deep depression.  It was a time which I woke up every morning feeling like I wanted to throw up and wishing I was dead.  I’d push myself up, make it to the bathroom and after 15 minutes I was OK, ready to start me day.

I remember on one of those days.  I think it was on a weekend.  I woke up in great misery wishing I was dead.  I caught a glimmer of Sun light shining thru the slits between our window blinds and my great misery became overwhelming ecstasy.  I was in utter bliss.  I did not want to leave this sensation so I stood still and stared into the rays.  I had a huge smile.  It was like having a great sexual orgasm only greater and emanating from the heart region. This was happiness.

Then back mid 2008 it happened a 2nd and 3rd time.  I’ve since been blessed with the ability to touch what I’ve like to call “the Source”  I’ve even have pictures of what “the Source” looks/feels like.

In the future I hope to share these and more.  In the meantime if you have been touched by a great ecstasy of the heart, I’d like to hear about your experiences.  You can reach me by email at: WilsonCheung@WakundaMa.com

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