Touch the Source

So this past week I’ve come to realize that I’ve been “off” within me.  I can’t quite fully explain it, but I would either be edgy or thoroughly exhausted or both without any clear reason. Maybe, it was just part of my adjustment after my return from my recent week at BBSH in Miami.

This past weekend I had a couple of subtle yet profound experiences.  I remember either early morning or late night thinking about sex, and somehow I dozed off briefly and this person flashed briefly in my head and heart and challenged me to hold off and climb thru to the “other side”.  And then suddenly I was filled with anticipation and excitement over crossing over to “the other side” into something more exciting than sex.  I didn’t just believe it, I could feel it.  It was like being a little kid and bursting with anticipation to start off on a new adventure into some wondrous new place.  I couldn’t see the other side.  I don’t think I actually crossed over, but I could feel the chills of excitement all thru me just before the entrance. And it felt giddy!  Actually even days later as I write this I can still feel it, and have this vague concept of some type of “opening” that’s located above belly level that one can climb or jump thru. Sort of like maybe a window in the wall.  You open up the window to get to the outside, but you have to climb up a bit to get thru the window.

I think some feelings I’ve had that were connected to the idea of “crossing over” was a realization that many years have passed and that many people that I have looked up to as mentors, teachers or role models, have either passed on or are in the later years of their physical life on Earth.  I was once a child and now I’m entering the center of adult hood, where others will be looking to me and my peers to set the template and example for others to follow.  And those that once set the template and example for me, I sense are entering a phase of returning to less and less responsibility and claiming more and more play and remembrance time.  They are returning in ways returning to the kids they once were.  They are relinquishing the control and role in this physical world they no longer need in preparation to “crossing over”.

To those who have paved the way before me, I honor you deeply and feel compelled to say your job is done and I thank you for a job well done and served.  Thank you. Thank you. Namaste.

To those who I am paving the way for, I honor you for being so brave to enter this journey, not knowing for sure the perils, twists, ups and downs that still await you. I love you.

To me for not quite knowing what I’m getting into, but still accepting however is, whatever is … even when there are many times when I don’t feel like I’m qualified, that I’m up to it, or that I’m enough.  To still be willing.  I honor myself. I cherish myself.  I love myself.

And in the mix of these words all I can say is there is this undeniable feeling of happiness and excitement about this “crossing over”  It’s so beautiful. I haven’t seen it with my eyes, but I feel it in my heart, speak it thru my mouth and hear it in my ears.  I almost want to cry.

The other part of this experience I’ve been having is best described as a strong desire to ground myself.  It’s no longer just a good thing to do, but it feels like a vital necessity, like an urge to drink cool water after feeling exhausted from dehydration. And it’s not simply just a grounding into the Earth, but sort of a grounding into myself.

On a Sunday morning I remember waking up wide-awake, but exhausted from this thirst to ground.   And so I found myself a small spot in a room that had some direct sunlight and I just sat on the floor.  Initially, I meditated with my eyes close, but more I just sat there on the ground, eyes open and just sank.  It was like I had been floating apart from my body and now I was just taking the time to stop running around and allow my spirit to fall back and embrace my body. But it felt like a long endless fall not just into my legs, but a falling into each of my cells, and to ever deeper dimensions within me.

And as I sat I kept on falling.  I marveled at the beauty of the familiar dirt and dust on the window, some of the chipping paint on the nearby wall, and the sunbeam lit stream of dust particles dancing around before me.  It was so real, like I had always remembered it was when I was a kid, maybe like it was when I first cross over during my birth as a child.   So so beautiful this Earth.

And I kept relaxing again, and again, and again, and again.  Forever falling deeper into simply just being.  It was like being exhausted and collapsing into the most comfortable bed, and as every minute passes you’re still too exhausted to lift your head and you just collapse deeper and release and surrender over and over and over again.  I did not want to get up.  I was still falling.  My breathing started to slow down.  And sometimes I would literally stop breathing as I fell into another release and then I would spontaneously catch a deep exhilerating breath for fresh air deep deep deep into the bottom recesses of my sacrum.

These two experiences I had of “crossing over” and “falling into me” were so much connected.  It felt so good.  So so so nourishing.  So so so necessary.  I want to be there always.

I’ve become conscious of an undercurrent of feeling like I need to do things to make myself feel enough of a “good” person to show my face to the world.  Like this feeling that has been around for every Christmas that my worth is based upon the gift I give to others. And to those I don’t impress with my gifts or even worse I don’t offer a gift, I feel deep shame.  I feel “I am not enough” and I feel like a “bad person” and I feel “bad, disconnected and exhausted.”

And as I closed my eyes and fell again, and felt the presence of the “crossing over” I felt a voice say to me “You Have Done Enough. You need not do any more.  Let go.  Fall.  Let down.  Breath into your life.  Soak into the quenching of your thirst. You have done enough. Worry no more. You have done enough. You are enough.  There is no more to be done.  I love you.  Just be.

To you who are reading this now, for whatever you feel like you need to do or accomplish, take time to just let it all drop. Take time to fall into you. You are loved just the way you are.

A few weeks ago I had a very relaxing time on a cruise to Bermuda.  I came to really appreciate the times I had alone in my cabin, lying on the bed, just staring out at the beautiful sky, clouds, sunshine and ocean.  The ship was always gently swaying, and I just did not feel like moving.  And then there were moments of touching the Source within my heart and I was in bliss.  Just thinking of that moment now I’m in bliss and almost want to stop writing.

  ………………………………………………………………………………………….

But I really wanted to write about the undercurrents of something very bothersome, while I was in Bermuda.  I really could’t quite place it with my mind, but I could certainly feel in my heart.  I think that this blissful time, space and opportunity allowed me to unfold more, which was good.  But in the unfolding I think some suppressed emotions of anger, resentment, and even fury were starting to get a chance to loosen and stir up.  These were old and stale emotions very divorced from the facts of the past that created them.  So I could find myself in the emotional state of feeling bothered, annoyed, or angry and not be able to offer an explanation.  I mean I could use my logic and force out a logical explanation and say something like I’m angry because ” … I was deeply betrayed when … ” or  ” …. they were so mean and cruel to me back when … “ .   But no worded logical explanation seemed right.  The most accurate statement was I was experiencing unsettling of pure emotions and that’s all.

My unsettling emotions were a bit like the emotions of a child’s temper tantrum.  It’s sort of like the following kind of conversation.

“Hi Honey.  Do you want some ice cream?”

Child: “No!”

“But you like ice cream”

Child: “No!”

“Do you not want ice cream?”

Child: “No!”

“Do you want to talk?”

Child: “No!”

“So you do not want to talk?”

Child: “No! No! No!”

“What’s bothering you?”

Child: “No! No! No!”

So that about describes my under current of this emotional crabbiness.  There’s no reasoning.  Well the adult me could chose to reason things out, but I recognize that reasoning is really ignoring and not listening to the child.  And so I’ve dared myself to just sit and sulk into that child and voice and “feel” whatever he says or doesn’t say. There is no semblance of logical talk, just the honesty of the emotions that make perfect sense without the need for words.  That in these deeper lower emotions words only distort things.

In Bermuda I was allowed to cook in this stew of feeling bothered.  It wasn’t until my drive back home from my vacation that the unleashed emotions started to flare up further into life.  It was clear that there was inner turmoil.  There were parts of me at odds with each other.

During the weeks that followed I have become more aware of my crabbiness and I have chosen to observe it, in amazement.  There’s been more than one occasion that I’ve said to myself: “Wow you are one mean, angry and crabby person … I wouldn’t want to hang around you.”  and another voice within might say “Fuck off!”  And I’d be amazed. “Whoa!”  I found myself less concerned of what other people might think of me.  Yes you might not like me anymore, but it is what it is.

I found myself really intrigued with myself.  This was not like me.  It’s almost like I was observing myself saying: “Who is this person?”  But rather than trying to pull myself together and pull myself back into line, I chose to sulk, be bitter, and be uncooperative.  I gave myself more time to sink deeper into emotions and could really feel the boil.  And in this boiling state I found myself angry and not wanting to be around some people that love me.

And then here’s where the turmoil kicked in.  At the same time I did not want to be around some people, I could simultaneously disparately crave closer intimacy with them.  It makes no sense, but is so familiar in a vague way.  At times it was like I was saying: “Hey you, I couldn’t give a damn if you never come back; just make sure you’re back in time for dinner”  … “I hate you, go away, leave me alone but don’t be out long and come back soon.”

“Hi Honey; do you want company?”

Child: “No.”

“So do you want to be left alone?”

Child: “No.”

. . . . . . . .      . . . . . . . .

And then I hear one more expression

Child: “I just want to be loved.”

Wow. Hmm?  And I’m back in amazement of these complex inner voices that make up me. And so this is the crux of my current crabby state of me that’s not supposed to be like me, but really is me.  This is crabby state uncovered and released to me by a beautiful relaxing time alone in long states of bliss rocking gently in cruise ship to and from Bermuda.

It’s all OK.

Last night I saw the show Miss Saigon and I’ve never been so moved before. And I was often moved in some scenes that I didn’t seem to quite make sense that I’d cry. Partly, I’d say it was just a superb expression of emotion and the complexity of humanity. But maybe partly it’s because as a person I’m becoming more sensitive to the beauty of the human condition. There was one scene in the show where Kim, the “damsel”, is confronted by her cousin, Thuy, who has come to claim her hand in marriage as promised by her parents years earlier. Kim reveals that she has had a son with an American GI and Thuy goes into a fit of rage. Things quickly get out of control, Thuy looks as if he’s about to kill Kim’s son, and Kim shoots Thuy in defense of her son. And then Kim is devastated and mourns over Thuy’s body. It is a powerful display of how the most noble expression of pure genuine love and vulnerability can at the same time be a devastating blow of hurt, and not that far away from being something horrifying and even despicable. And when you see the full story of those that at first seem despicable and horrible you can find understanding, compassion, even admiration. It’s all so very complicated.

So this morning as I meditated I scanned thru my turmoiled emotions. In Norway, an act of major act of violence has occurred involving the killing of over 70 people. The killer’s publications suggest some anti-Muslim intentions, but you quickly see a disturbed voice, even a psyche that is crying out to be heard despite being so long ignored. For me I found myself wanting to sense the meaning of this act on a global humanity consciousness level rather than as the isolated act of one individual.

I’m deeply saddened that a human had to resort to committing this terrible act. Why? Why? Why? And what will be the repercussions as it stirs up hurt, fear, devastation and counter anger emotions. And then how will those emotions ultimately be expressed or repressed?

I feel for all the dark voices out there. They are dark because we refuse to see or acknowledge them. At first we might be drawn to scan out to the global consciousness and inquire if something is happening to humanity. “Who has been wronged and can we right the wrong?” “Who feels hurt, ignored, and shunned and how can we heal them?” “How can we fix the pain before it has to explode?” And despite being such a compassionate cause to go this line of thinking, it all gets very complicated because the very act of doing something to fix or correct something from one person’s point of view will seem to cause hurt and suffering to some other person. The very act of trying to fix something is an act of judging that something is wrong with it. It seems that at best one can do is just sit in the midst of this frustration and just know that we are all human and know what it feels to be human, and accept how it so often doesn’t make any sense, and it goes beyond the capability of human reasoning. And the very act of sitting in the presence of those dark voices and nothing more is the most direct form of healing there is.

And so in my meditation under the gaze of the sun rising to bring in a new day, I bring my attention back to myself and my inner emotions. For what I have learned in my spiritual journey and in my training as an energy healer is that it’s not about “doing” it’s about “being” And in that being I begin to see the connection between who I am and how I feel within myself as a human and it’s reflection in others and the rest of the world around me. In other words the key to healing the unheard voices in the world that eventually break out into violent expression, is for each of us to heal the unheard voices within ourselves. And the healing is generally in the mere act of being quiet and patient and earnestly listening and feeling each spot in our bodies that doesn’t seem to feel quite right, but is generally more convenient to just ignore.

In meditation I can hear a critical voice say: “you’re mind is chattering too much … bring your attention back to the breath … you’re not being a good meditator” and then hear the counter critical voice of “stop being judgmental… that’s not very spiritual” And then I rise above and simply witness the chatter, actually encourage and allow the chatter to go thru and I give these critical voices permission to complain all they want. I hold them in love and know that to judge them is to suppress them, but to just listen to them and hold them in love simply because they exist, to let them know that they are like lost children of my soul that I so gratefully want to bring to light.

I visualize my healing of all these emotions within me like a clearing and dissipating of scattered pockets of dark storm clouds within my psyche. And then I see how my clearing of these clouds within me might also be clearing similar clouds in the skies of the global consciousness encircling Earth.

In the end each of you are so so important. Every aspect of you. And actually, most importantly those darker sides of you that you are afraid to show and acknowledge. Take more time to sit and do nothing and just be, listen and hold each dark part of you in love. Grant them the patience to come out and voice whatever and however they want. They don’t need to voice aloud, they only need to voice in the safe container of your body with your patient inner ear listening intently to the voice that is ultimately just you. All the voices are valid because they exist. All the voices are loved because they exist.

And I back away knowing that the dark unheard areas that are within me are being heard because I’m being compassionate to myself. I am basking in my own love. I am really grateful to have such a loving and patient me. I can feel like myself around myself. And somehow when I do this inner loving it’s also loving the rest of the world. In a way I believe the moment that I have healed all my inner wounds, so will the rest of humanity on Earth have been healed. The theme of the struggle within one bears commonality to the theme of the struggle of all.

And so I find myself able to look at humanity, despite all the violence and destruction that seems to occur, feel so moved to say to all of you: “I Love You.” I say “I Love You” most especially those that are judged as having dark motivations, I most especially say “I love you” I want to see you. I’m not saying this to the violent explosive outbursts that occur, but more on the so many more precursors to those outbursts, to the so many moments building up over many years of a person’s lifetime of having parts of them unheard, invalidated and feeling unfairly dismissed. These are the parts I say “I love you” I want you to be heard because you are important. You are important because you exist.

Please don’t hide away. I want you to be seen. I want you to be heard. I love you.

So last week I finished my first year of BBSH (Barbara Brennan School of Healing). There’s a concept that all students are familiar with and that is the concept of contraction following a full week of emersion in the immensely healing and supportive template of the students and teachers at the school.  Each week back I’d say my contractions have been easier, so I was sort of expecting this time back from the final week of school would have been a breeze.  So like an over confident student I sauntered from school, to a plane back to Delaware, and right back into days of intense business meetings.  And I almost danced right thru it and then I got a sucker punch in an email from one of my several bosses at work.  I mean objectively it wasn’t that bad, but I still couldn’t help feel ashamed and defeated. Well to be deeply honest, I felt really ashamed, defeated and even quite scared.

The timing seemed to come out of nowhere.  And in the end because of the manner it came so unexpectedly and almost didn’t seem to make sense, it also seemed to have an element of divine intervention.  Like this was yet again a well timed poke at me using just the right words to feed into the critical voices in me that conclude that I am a “bad person”

It is very interesting all the subtle avenues to sucker punch me into that “bad person” feeling.  If someone said “I’m really angry with you Wilson”  That’s one thing.  But when someone applies some kind of social label to what I did it becomes elevated to a higher standard.  If you label me ”rude” or just “inappropriate” it feels no longer the mere opinion of one person, but rather a fact based upon all of humanity.  At least that’s how I take it in emotionally.  So if you don’t tell me your emotions but instead label my actions as “rude”, “immoral”, “inappropriate”, “disgusting”, “dishonorable”, “most disappointing”, “subpar” then it’s like God declaring me “bad” and abandoning me.  These are indirect sucker punches that to me say “you’re bad” and for me that’s often too painful to exist.

And so this past week back home in Delaware has been about realizing that I actually have been weathering a storm.  I just didn’t realize it until I got a sucker punch that’s making me really feel bad and lacking as a decent human being.

So far what has helped is, of course, the memory of my experiences at BBSH and all those so many cherished class mates who forever stunned me over and over again with expressions of unbelievable acceptance and approval.  Namaste, Namaste, Namaste, Shey – Shey, Shey – Shey,  Gracious, Mucho Gracious, Thank you, Thank You, is all I can say for the gift of seeing me once more.  I must admit right now I’m having difficulty seeing me again, but the evidence and data locked in too many brain cells are now too well intrenched. And they all sing for me.

And so even beyond the gift of those memories and the many more I hope to meet with, there still remains this pain of “I’m bad” “I’m scared”  and then the more adult persona that hides words of “I’m bad” with “I’m OK, I’m a grown up, but I should have done this better.  That was a poor performance thing you did.  Such a disappointment”.  And so with this complex dynamic of voices, opinions and emotions all stirring up underneath an adult ego shell of me pretending to look “OK I’m fine” in this every day world, I can only do one thing.

Accept them all.  I accept you voice that says “I’m bad”  I accept you critical voices that say “I should have …. or I shouldn’t of …”  Come out complain, criticize, blame, cry and speak your peace over and over again as much as you want.  I love you and accept you.  Come out all you dark, rejected, lost and forgotten aspects of me come out, I love you especially, because you have come out.  I love you all because you exist.  The ones that have done shameful things, think shameful thoughts, feel shameful emotions, act so less than what is expected of you, have or are failing, have or are becoming a big disappointment,  I love you especially most because you have spoken up or have come out and have asked to be seen.

Come now, Come now. I love you.  Come in my arms.  Let me Love you.  You are all so so so So especially precious.

And so in this place of integrated self love of all the parts of me.  I stand vulnerable, weak, but able to watch a future that might scare me, like watching a gigantic Tsumani wave a thousand feet high coming towards me ready to wipe me away.  I am powerless to defend.  Yet all is well.  I love you all.  I hear voices cry “I’m scared, I’m scared” and then I say to that voice “Oh so dear voice I love you, come here let me hold you!”  I will be with you all the way.

Love.

I’m not quite sure what’s been happening the past few weeks, but I guess there’s been an under current of uneasiness of things unsettling. Maybe it’s a bit like the tornadoes that seem to steadily taking up lives in the US, but sort of strangely and quietly in the back ground, yet not quite in the background.

Today I had a dream and in that dream I was recalling how I felt lacking in many areas, but there was one thing I could do and that was float through the air.  I generally kept this fact a secret because I didn’t want to freak people out by floating through the air like a spooky ghost, but I knew I could do this by will or sometimes it would be difficult to stop lifting off the ground.  However, it was kind of a neat ability because when things got hectic I could float, glide and fly quickly to get to wherever I needed to go.  I could fly very fast and skillfully.

And so in one of my many years of having this ability I found myself inside this house, which resembled a bit of my father’s house.  I thought about the fact that I usually only floated up to maybe ceiling height.  I then thought about flying up higher.  I step outside to the back yard where there was an opening of grass surrounded by woods. And then I started to float as I usually do.  But then as I rose I started to notice being bitten by mosquitos. And then some inner voice mentioned that my ability to float is connected with charging up my energy field, and as you do this more it attracts bugs like a light attracts bugs in the dark. That humans have varying levels of energy chargedness which more or less attracts bugs, which is why some people get bitten more than others.  Another insight was that a person’s stress or anxiety level factors into the static-ness of this charge.  The inner voice warned not to float and charge up so open like that.  As I started to float towards the top of the trees, maybe about 40 feet in the air, I really got attacked by bugs.  They were swarming and voracious, and so I quickly came down, and landed thoroughly exhausted.  It’s like they sucked my energy away.  I started to wonder the symbolic meaning in maybe that people in this world are mosquitos and when I shine my vulnerability, warmth and love, will they only suck me dry.

And then my eyes opened up.  I woke with the sunlight gleaming in my eyes.  I had been dreaming.  And then it struck me by shock.  I felt this horrifying realization: “You know what?  I don’t think I can float thru the air!”  But I was also shocked that I thought I believed I could fly through the air as well.  I heard this critical voice say: “Oh my God!  You have actually believed you could fly through the air since child hood!!”  It’s like a part of my memory banks were kept secret from my consciousness and for so many years for as long as I could remember I really could float and fly, in a Peter Pan like fashion.  But if I scan my conscious memory banks I have no evidence that I ever actually did float or fly.  But another part of my mind has always remembered that I could float and fly just as naturally as I could breath.  I was in total shock as both sides of my mind were shocked with the realization of the other.  The part that always knew I could fly was shocked to find out that I can’t fly.  But the part that had never seen me fly was shocked that I was so dellusional to actually believe I could fly and for over 40 years!

And then I sort of didn’t want to rise out of bed and report to my work place. I started to wish I was dead.  I heard this comforting voice somewhere ask: “Would you like me to take your life now?” and I said “Yes, take me now in bed!”  ”But what about those that will miss you?”  and I said “It’s OK I’d rather wait for them on the other side.  I mean if I stayed here I’d only get to see some of them leave me, so I’d rather leave first now”

But I did rise out of bed.  I found my dog sprawled across the floor in the sunlight.  She really knows how to relax and that realization made me partly jealous but mostly happy.

I pull myself together.  A bit scared.  Lacking in some direction and intent. Not really wanting to live. I prepare to walk my dog and then slug out to work.

So one area of the past several months I’ve been remiss on sharing are my experiences walking some labryinths. I mean I’d say a year ago it was at a Labryinth that brought about resolution in being with my surrender to a reality of failing to prevent my layoff. But in more recently I’ve found that my office in Wilmington is actually located across the street from a chapel that hosts a labryinth on Wednesdays.

It’s not a permanent labryinth, but one that has to be set up in the morning down in the chapel basement. So initially you’d think less of this labyrinth than one that is permanent and large like the one near the Delaware Art Museum. However, I remember stepping out of my office after a stressful meeting and stepping into Chapel and then following signs for the Labryinth down to the basement. And I was surprised to be met by a women sitting pleasantly and quietly at a table outside double doors to the room that contained the Larbryinth. She was a wonderful hostess who walked me into the room to describe the general guidelines to this room.

And it was then that I was taken back by the specialness of this temporary Labryinth. There was a prayer and intention table near the entrance of the Labryinth. Then another table with fresh pairs of socks for you to wear as you can’t wear shoes as the Labryinth is actually made out of fabric. They had lit electric candles around the perimeter of the Labryinth. At the back were glorious standing candleabras with real lit candles.

And at the from perimeter were yet two more tables with real lit candles and two finger Labyrinths. Finally for completing the mood the lighting was dimmed and there was realistic sounds of Tibetan chants, wind chimes, and Tibetan bowls resonating throughout. In the center of the Labryinth were 4 Zabu cushions for meditaton.

So I walked this Labryinth and what I clearly felt was utter thankfulness for this time and space. All I can say is that on average it seems one can expect at least a full hour in serene and fulfilling solitude on a personal journey within this Labyrinth. This place speaks of abundance. I was absolutely floored by all this effort to put together this Labyrinth and setting of all this intention. I mean even along the walls of this basement room are lined rows of chairs and I swear you can feel the presence of guides and sages sitting there honoring your journey. I honored them. At each point where candles were along the perimeter you felt a presence. There were many in this room and you could feel their presence and it brought great support and peace. This was a place for me to feel gratitude, the kind that starts to trigger those euphoric sensations of “the Source” that I’ve mentioned in earlier posts. My chest starts to go into this heart orgasm state and I’m still, just basking in the moment.

I remember sitting in the center of this Labryinth on those Zabu cushions and was stunned by how comfortable my bottom felt. I could sit there for hours in bliss without moving. And for this being I am grateful, beyond what I could repay. In fact I understood and felt how my mere grateful feelings were repayment. In fact I could be grateful for the gift of feeling gratitude. I could be grateful to myself and feel the gratefulness from myself.

I think I will stop now. Peace be with you. I love you. I am with you. I am. I Love.

Yesterday was another growth experience for me.  Firstly I went to a New Years Eve retreat alone.  I was starting to get ambivalent if this was the right thing, but as I was driving on my way to the Farm House (where the retreat was at), I did understand that this was good, this was my decision, my decision to regret or rejoice if needed, but mine just the same.  If I didn’t go then it would have been a blow to my identity, of being able to both discover creative things as well as allowed make my own mistakes.

So I arrived at my destination I was a bit edgy because I was possibly running late.  And then I followed this other car and parked in a grassy field.  But then I noticed that the ground looked a bit ominously soft. So I decided to edge my way back up onto pavement, and I almost got there and then I was stuck. The people from the other car sort of made comments about you might as well just give up and go to the retreat.  They were staying overnight but I was not staying overnight.  I felt the urge to restore my safety in not being trapped, in being able to leave at a moments notice on my own terms.  My tires started to spin away. I was frustrated.

The people in the other car wanted to know if I wanted a push.  Then I asked if one of them could drive my car while I pushed.  So we pushed but the car only got further into mud.  We tried to back out but my car only dug itself deeper into mud.

One of the other persons mentioned they had AAA, but I knew that didn’t mean very much as I don’t think you can call for road service for another person.  But the offer to help did trigger me to remember that I did have Better World Club membership.  So I pulled it together and gave up and accepted that only a tow truck could get my car unstuck. So I closed off everything, pulled my composure and walked with them to the retreat, actually helping them carry one of their cushions and talking with each a bit.

As I sat at the retreat, I realized that I was in a state of hidden panic.  I would have felt so much better to not be there and so my spirit was out of my body, thinking things as desparate as:  ”I am stuck here, it’s New Years eve and there will be no tow trucks available.”  Then I was worried that it was getting dark, that my car might be too far off the road to get a successful tow.  Then I was thinking I would feel better just calling for a tow truck and waiting to get my car out before going into the retreat.  But I knew that if I waited for a tow truck I would miss out on most of the retreat and this whole trip would have been for naught.  So I had to do my best to postpone my panic.  It was starting to get dark and as it gets darker it’s harder for the tow truck operator to see what he’s doing.  So I was thinking that I was giving up the safety of daylight for the sake of being at the retreat.  I started to disasterocize, that they might have to wait for weeks for the ground to dry up to get a truck close enough to my car.  Then I was starting to wonder if my membership had lapsed?  Further panic set in.

It was then that I started to realize one reason why road club membership is so much better than saving the membership fee and paying for tow service as needed.  It was called peace of mind.  On New Years Eve and in a state of panic without road club membership I would be so ill equipped to try and search for the nearest active tow service.  So while economically a road membership only starts to pay for itself with the 2nd tow truck service, the membership was worth it to me.  It prevented me from going into more intense panic.

So I had time to focus on pretty severe but manageable anxiety.  But as I sat at the retreat I just Witnessed my emotions. I was experiencing terror.  I honestly felt like I’d be trapped forever.  That my life was a threat.

Then Loseng, the Tibetan Bhuddist Monk, mention detachment from material things and I thought so what if I just abandoned and lost my car.  I could still live here and I could eventually (within maybe 24 hours) get a ride.  So what if I lost my car forever. So what if I lost all my possessions. And even if my life was threatened what is so bad about losing my body.  These are all just posessions.

Then in a meditation with my eyes just slightly open I saw 2 candle flames flickering and sensed the presence of a femalic mentor/goddess without words conveying to me that all was well. It was like I was in the moment of what if feels like to die and this gatekeeper kept me at peace.  It was like if I was sleeping in bed and was being lightly awakened from a nightmare, with a compassionate orange yellow presence comforting me while showing me concern.  I guess the presence was  like my spiritual nurse maid in a spiritual hospital with me in the hospital bed.  It was almost like she was saying you’ve been thru alot (of emotions), but rest assured it really was all OK.  You see you can let go of your body, you can let go of things.  People, circumstances can tie it up your posessions, and entangle it, but you can detach and not be tied up and entangled with your posessions.  You an walk away and let go of what are really no more than things you worry you will lose (your possessions).  And as you are in the state of letting go, of having no possessions, notice how free you feel.  You can be a free spirit.

One realization I had was that I am not any one emotion.  I am not mean nor am I kind. I am not good, and I am not bad.  I am not angry, I am not sad, and I am not happy. The one thing I know I am is that I am, and that’s about all I can say.  And the meanness or kindness or only emotions, only things that can flow thru me.  To hold on to one description is to become a victim.  To say I am angry is to say I am stuck at the one state of emotion of angry.  To say I am happy is to say I am stuck at happy and to ignore and not embrace the shadow part that is angry and sad.  Because the reality is that I can be angry, happy, and all sometimes all emotions simultaneously.  I am really all kinds of emotions simultaneously.  Emotions flow thru me but they are not me.

In general things like exercise and meditation all seem like things one can do to cope with stress.  I remember some time back when I attended Depression support groups, the one thing everyone was in agreement about was that exercise helps with your mental and emotional health.  It all makes sense.  However, recently I’ve found that it can actually interfere with my emotional and mental well being.

Over the past few weeks, I had seriously ramped up my physical activity by running more regularly.  It got to the point I was running about 3 miles a day, and each day I challenged and pushed myself just to push a little harder.  When I felt fatigued, it was a satisfying feeling that I was reinvigorating my physical fitness level, making me healthier.  And I was more motivated and had more energy.  I could stay up past midnight and wake up at 5 AM and start running.  And each time I ran, I seemed noticeably faster, stronger and less fatigued.

But then I noticed that mid-day I would start to drag a bit, with this craving to start running again. I started to be less hungry and ate healthier and ate less.  Yet, my body weight stayed the same.  For a period of time I actually got this rush of a sensation that I was back in my 20′s and wanted my body to return to that same physically fit form.  I actually started to intentionally cut back on eating, even when I craved for some food.  And when I felt kind of stuck emotionally, just chomping on the bit to munch on some potato chips, I felt this edginess, this need to go out and run again and exhaust my new found energy.  But despite the fact I was controlling my eating and exercising a lot, my body weight remained the same.  My clothes were getting a bit looser, but my weight stayed the same.

My only conclusion was that I was starting to gain a bit of muscle mass while I was losing some fat mass so my weight remained the same, despite the fact I was getting leaner.  This probably meant that my testosterone levels were starting to go back up.

I’m a bit convinced that in my case where I went from very little to no exercise to a lot of exercise, was that my emotions were now on a bit of a steroidal high. I definitely felt this urge to start exercising more and start going to a gym and lifting weights to get back to this image of myself in my 20′s when I had a very satisfying muscular upper body with cut abdomens.  I recall that rush of muscular ego that was constantly thinking hard of ways to make myself look better or at least preserve how good I looked.  So it was as much of a compulsion as it was a high.

When athletes take steroids, it’s reported that their emotions can get edgy and irritable from a steroid rage.  And I now believe that my exercise translated into miny “roid” rages that amounted to me just being edgy and irritable, with a strong desire to push myself physically to feed my self-esteem and exhaust the edginess.

Exercise, especially with the intent of looking physically better, is just ego-driven.  And while it sort of nourishes your self esteem, it’s not sustainable.  No matter what you do or achieve physically it is not the same as just feeling total worth, no matter what.  This is unconditional self-esteem, unconditional self-love.  When your self-esteem and self-love is conditional then it’s ego.

When I try to sit or lie still and connect my heart to the Source, that is what it’s about to feel that self esteem and self love.  And if I’ve exercised strenuously earilier in the day, the “roid” edginess interferes with that connection.  To keep connected I just needed to let go and let the connection happen. Once I start feeling the “roid” edginess and ego the connection was real hard to make as I’d so much rather go out an run or achieve something.  In someways it was like the mini “roid” edginess was just an exercise addiction much like being a workaholic.

And in fact this past week I think I was definitely becoming a work-a-holic driven to accomplish things at work so that I could sit back, rest and smile at myself for accomplishing something and feeling valued for accomplishing this.  And once in that addictive cycle of needing to do more, it’s hard to connect, because connection is more about slowing down, and in fact being still so that you can just allow it to happen.

So this past week I had gotten so busy that my exercise completely stopped.  Then when the weekend finally hit I first initially found myself working a bit on the weekend, but then I thought about doing some running to clear things up.  But instead I elected to NOT run, despite being physically inactive.  I decided to just take time to slow down, eat more if I have to and be OK about it.  I decided to preserve the time and energy I would have invested into exercise into doing a bit of nothing and to get settled into meditating.  I even actually slowed down below the level of meditation by just staying still going limp and just being.

And so as a result I found the time and urge to write.  I found the urge to be and feel the child. I became more at ease, less tension, more restful and more satisfied with myself. I’ve come to accept and be proud of my lack of accomplishment, because I have invested and fulfilled myself in just being or doing what feels natural and at the same time fostering what will feel natural.

It’s all rather interesting that just a bit more than light to moderate exercise could actually be too much exercise.  In the end it is all about finding that right balance. In the end it’s all about constantly taking time to step back and see if you are able to just be and be OK with just being.

So for about almost a year I’ve been reading this book Balancing Heaven and Earth by Robert A. Johnson.  The main reason I was introduced to this book was because my mention of my experiences with the Source.  Someone mentioned that it sounded a bit like the Golden World that Robert A. Johnson experienced maybe 3 times in his life.  The first time he experienced it was when he was in his teens on a table in a hospital dying from massive internal bleeding from a severely crushed leg, and then some later times generally triggered by a certain aspect of the sunshine under particular circumstances.  In the end Robert states that there is no known way of reaching the Source.  That it is bestowed upon the recipient purely upon grace.

But aside from these encounters with a taste of Heaven, Robert takes what I’ve found the most profound spiritual book I’ve ever read to date.  It’s so much about being a human, being fallible and because of being human and fallible being so simply perceptive.

I think the big thing that Robert reveals is the impact and person Carl Jung.  I’ve heard of Carl Jung in the context of the great Sigmund Frued. When you hear these names you think of troubled and disturbed minds undergoing psychoanalysis of psychiatric intellectuals speaking with German accents.  For a good time Carl Jung was an active intellectual partner of Sigmund Freud and both agreed on the basic concepts of ego and subconcious.  But then at some point Carl took a sharp detour into a world one might consider insanity.  And in the end seemed much more of modern day Shaman rather than a psychologist.  Carl became fascinated with the power of dreams not merely revealing your own issues but in a way predicting the outcome of mankind or almost in ways the coming of a messiah.

Carl Jung discovered evidence of a human collective conscious where a thought in the mind of one person gets transferred to the minds of all mankind without any communication.  This collective conscious is like the great common spiritual ocean, and ultimately our subconscious.  Carl Jung emphasized the importance of this subconscious connection, this spiritual connection otherwise one experiences psychological issues in the conscious world.  In the end the conscious world we live in everyday is not very significant and real.  In fact the big things that occupy our every day conscious life are actually rather meaningless and its the subtle feelings felt in the inner world of our beings that are huge in meaning.  Carl Jung introduces the concept of archetypes as a way of  helping interpret the language of our inner beings.  And many years later a spiritual book writer named Carolyn Myss comes out with a book Sacred Contracts that ultimately flushes out the concept of archetypes.

Robert A Johnson it seems may have been one of Carl Jung’s most esteemed students.  And in the end Carl Jung instructed Robert to stay away from the lime light and not go to any of his Jungian schools because in a way Carl felt Robert was too advanced for his school.  Even Carl Jung himself distanced himself from his own schools, almost to say I’ve matured beyond my legacy, “now don’t listen to my great teachings, listen to your inner voice”

So the 2nd half of Carl Jung’s life, the part that still has yet to be absorbed by psychologist is contained in a recently published book called “the Red Book”.  And this Red Book has a glow of mistique about it.  The Washington Post said: “With a rich crimson dust jacket, thick cream-colored paper and calligraphied pages, this huge tome [the Red Book] is the size of a lectern Bible and looks like the kind of spell book a wizard might consult.”  For years kept a secret in a safe deposit box and then published carefully in a large hard cover book that you might expect to find on one of the shelves of the forbidden section of the library in Hogwartz. Someone is currently selling one copy of this RedBook for $3,500 on Amazon.

So in the end, the truest follower of the late Carl Jung, Robert A Johnson I believe conveys much of the wisdom of this Red Book, but possibly even truer then the book itself.  Dr. Wayne Dyer pretty much founded his fame on words of wisdoms from Carl Jung.  Dr. Dyer is famous and materially wealthy.  Robert A. Johnson is Dr. Dyer’s senior and is much more the real deal, yet is pretty much unknown.  Carl Jung predicted that Robert was destined for a solitary path, and Robert has pretty done this and in the closing parts of what is probably Robert’s last book, is his statement that his ultimate state of being and teaching will be in his silence.

Carolyn Myss mentioned that the heavens work in opposites.  That what seems big is probably small.  What seems small is probably big.  The Bible has words like “the first shall be the last and the last shall be the first” And with Robert it seems the quietest is the truest and the most popular and loudest doesn’t mean very much.

And so lately I’m absorbing and integrating the emotions in me stirred up in my subconscious and conscious with my recent job loss and recovery, my spiritual journey thru the labryinth, my entire life, my purpose, the completion of reading Balancing Heaven and Earth, taking a course in self healing a local intuitive energy school, work in Active Imagination, work in Lucid Dreaming, newer meditations and greater awareness of the pains that had at it’s worst driven to commit suicide.

I think I am at a stage of my life that I am maturing to understand and feel how much pain I really am at. I’ve had people describe at points in my life that I must be in great pain and have never felt it.  But then there would at times points where I’d explode in anger, or shutdown in apathy, or try to mortally hurt myself.  I’d usually handle it by thinking this behavior is wrong and suppress things and act proper and in the process conclude that I’m not in pain and not feel the pain.  But in the end only learn not to feel.

So in this process of unlearning not be unfeeling.  To unlearn how to be “a man”.  To unlearn how to “be strong”. I’ve found myself unraveling into a blubbering mess like a baby from simply watching several different scenes in movies I’ve seen before on cable TV.  I remember when I was in this state before, I watched 10 seconds of a person recounting how he heard news of the Pearl Harbor bombing in World War II and I suddenly started crying uncontrollably at the realization of the great suffering and senseless killing that we are doing to each other. I listened and sang to John Lennon’s “Imagine” and was sobbing and my insides were aching so badly.  And then most recently I was watching Toy Story 3 with others and I was kettle ready to burst in tears.  And all I was thinking to myself is “Oh my God please please keep it together. Please look away from the screen.  This is going to be so embarrassing, a grown man crying from a cartoon.  Suppress the emotion.  Suppress the emotion.”

So if you’ve been reading up on http://www.tiredmiddleagedman.com I’ve been processing the rite of being layed off. For some of you readers being layed off is no big deal, so I guess I’m new at this.  But in any regards if you’re new at anything and it’s something that has happened for the first time in over 20 years, it’s kind of a big thing emotionally.  I mean for me, a 44 year old person, we’re talking about something I’ve lived with for nearly 50% of my entire life.  So I only digress like this to stress that this is emotionally quite big for me.  And within all big emotional hardships comes great opportunity to spiritual growth.  Well it’s being nice to call it an opportunity, it’s more just something that happens and you will inevitably grow whether you like it or not; it may be nice, but more likely very uncomfortable or downright terrible, but trust me you will grow.

So today I took a time out to just be more in the present.  I started to think more and more about Ekert Tolle’s title “The Power of Now” and it’s calling to be in the present.  This past Wednesday I had an opportunity to walk with a group of others in the Labryinth on the Delaware Art Museum grounds.  The process absolutely made a huge impact on me.  It uncovered the inner child in me and his desire to keep time still so that things don’t change, treasured places remain, and loved one’s don’t grow up or depart from your life.

What the Labryinth experience started to reveal to me is that we all are spreading our life energy across time.  The more we crave, wish, worry, regret, strive, move, and achieve all we are doing is spreading our trail across time.  And in the end all we really want is to be one and whole, yet we see other people, things and events around us moving and changing and we want to chase them back in time and forward in time and it stretches us further and further apart so that as time moves on we get spread thinner and thinner.  For most, maybe all of us, it isn’t until physical death do we get to gather up our entire trail across time.  Time is compressed back into a single point and the trail that was once us is gathered back together as one, we are one again, the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega together as one again.  This is your life flashing before your eyes.  This is the review of your life experience that you will go thru before you can die.

So once again I recognize the need to consider not spreading my trail.  Start raveling in my past, worry not of the future and absolutely savor the present based upon the past special moments I so so so miss.  I want to bring in my entire spirit now spread over 44 years of time back together into the present.  I want to be.

And so I found much of today, me, my mind drifting into beautiful vistas in my memory of beautiful places I’ve been to.  In fact many places of the past are so much more beautiful and precious because they simply do not exist anymore due to the fact they have been destroyed or torn down.  For example I can remember so much more vividly the time I walked on the roof of one of the World Trade Center towers.  It’s more spectacular now than it was back then.  And this is a big key.  In just the same manner you can recall a memory more spectacular and precious than it was when you first experienced it, you can apply that principle right now in the present.  Know this, that this moment where ever you are is so special and precious and many many years from now you will wish you were here.  Know this feeling and starting wishing you were here right now.  And this wishing so badly you were here while actually being here is at least part of what it means to be Now in The Power of Now.  I would probably add start bringing in the past as well and bring back all of your spirit into the present.  Miss yourself no more.

In this state I had noticed one thing, that the having a bright Sun somewhere helps — a lot. And it started to dawn upon me today that I can actually hear the Sun?!  What do I mean?

I mean I remember a year ago I traveled to the Bahamas and it was so so Sunny and I was in my hotel room and when the window was open, even with my eyes closed I could smell, hear and feel tropical paradise. But what was so clear was this sort of background sound, which I think was the sound of the Sun. My best logical explanation for what this sound is, is it’s probably a bit of the heat that the Sun generates on a truly powerfully sunny day.  The heat causes heat waves which can be heard as maybe a soft low frequency continuous thud or distortion that just resonates and permeates all over.  It triggers breezes to come in and if there are trees, birds they are prompted into motion.  If you’re by an ocean the rawnesss of that energy is enhanced with the transition of water waves rippling from a humungous ocean into the land of the shore.  But even if there was no breeze, no ocean, no trees, and nor birds, I swear I can still hear something that is the Sun.  Imagine a scene in your mind at night and now imagine it with a rip roaring Sun.  I don’t know about you but in that imagined scene don’t your hear something different?

And so today as I basked in the present I savored the sound of the Sun. I savored the sound of the Sun now and the Sun in the past in all of those places.  Like a huge symphony across time and space I touch every point of my trail of my spirit across time and space under the loving stare of that familiar Sun, that one thing that quite honestly seems to have stayed the same for as long as I can remember.

So here I am preparing to join the many who are unemployed.  To some extent I guess I feel like a big baby not being to take this so well.  But honestly it feels like I’m dying and everywhere I try I’m only met with huge disappointment.  Yes there are brief moments where I do contemplate suicide a bit.  This coming week I have a job interview to drive to.  The person is really excited to find me, but I’m highly skeptical if this one’s going to come thru.  I’ll be driving over the Delaware Memorial Bridge.  I know that on March 16th, 2010 one person parked his car on the Commodore Barry Bridge and was talked out of jumping.  I remember driving past his parked car on the bridge that day.  The next day someone jumped off the Walt Whitman Bridge and died.  So I briefly picture myself parking, but I guess I just wouldn’t have quite the gumption to climb out and jump, or would I?  I mean if you park your car in the middle of the bridge, I wonder how long before police cars swarm on you?  I’d say at least 5 minutes but no more than 15 minutes.  I let the thought go.

A couple of important people in my life mentioned I should take some Vitamin D, worried I was sinking into a depression.  Well lately I’ve been taking a ton of Vitamin D.  I’m taking about 100 capsules a day.  I did wonder a bit if doing this was dangerous but it doesn’t seem to have any ill effect.  But just the same I’m not sure if it’s helping. I also took some pain killers to dampen the pain, but it probably only made me slightly numb.  I only have a couple pills left.  OK I admit it feels a bit reckless, but I’m really really hurting inside more than I can ever remember.

Yesterday I took a seminar teaching skills on grounding my energy so as to help drain the hurt within me.  I learned that I have a tendency to try and suck in energies outside of me to make up for the deficit and hurt that’s in me.  Instead of taking in outside energies to compensate for my pain, I was being taught to visualize connecting my first chakra (base of spine) to the center of the Earth and not attempt to draw-in the energy of the Earth, but merely make the connection.  That sensation of not drawing in the energy of the Earth was agonizing as my insides ached to be healed and nurtured.  I was then instructed to visualize a bright energy above my had, and then allow one sun shine energy above my head drop into my body filling my empty bagged body and around me.  I started to visualize my pains draining into the Earth.  Then I was told to allow a 2nd sun energy fill out my aura, to which I sort of revised a bit  it as hugging me with love.  So after my session I had a fairly good day enjoying the remaining couple of hours of sun light. I was told these sun shines where my personal energy, which is interesting because I would have thought of them being divine energies that were not of me.  If you’ve read some of my description of the Source, this intrigues me.  Because I’ve at times seen the Source as being the center energy source of that which makes Me and now I’m being told that these sources of bright light above my head are also that which makes Me.  And so I’m drawn to ponder about my concepts of hypersheres.

In my concept of hyperspheres if you travel to the center of any point and you implode sort of like a black hole, you will inevitably emerge on some outer edge of the universe.  In other words the outside of a sphere is really kind of like a “moebius strip” connection to the very center of a sphere.  If you implode symmetrically you will be the entire outer sphere showering back towards the center.  If you send all your love and energy towards what you perceive as your center, it’s net effect is to love the universe from the outside in.  If you send love symmetrically outwards from your body to all of the universe the net effect is to love the universe from the inside out and when you “love rays” reach the outer edges of the universe those same “love rays” will emerge from the center of your heart.  If you are slightly less than symmetric in your implosion or explosion then your intention only reaches particular people, places or regions within your body.  So the concept of Me being above my head as sunshine but also Me being from a center within Me made me think a bit of my concept of hyperspheres.

After I was grounded, I can’t say I noticed distinctively that I was “GROUNDED”, but I did notice my taste sensations had shot up.  At the seminar I tasted some of the best tasting chocolates I have ever tasted in my life.  It was like a scene from the movie: “Defending your Life” where someone goes to Judgement City in sort of a partial Heaven world where the food was guaranteed to be the best tasting food you’ve ever tasted and you could eat as much as you want for free and never ever gain weight.  The person orders some eggs at a diner in Judgement city and asks if they are good.  The waitress replies there the best you’ve ever had served just the way you like them.  He orders the eggs and gets them immediately with no wait just the way he likes them. And when he eats them he practically goes into orgasm of taste and exclaims “these are the best damned eggs I’ve ever had”   And so these chocolates were so good that I couldn’t help myself but to grab more and eat more.  These chocolates were Hershey’s!?  I felt just slightly giddy and had some Trader Joe’s brand tea with some plain white sugar and after about the 10th sip I realized WOW this is the best tea I’ve ever tasted. Wow this is good tea! The best I could surmise was that the grounding excercises I had been doing was a powerful way to getting towards being in the Now and present and so being so much more present my appreciation of Now was greater.

But I’m back to today and I’m in pain.  The grounding exercises help only but a little now.  I think it’s because tomorrow is Monday.  I think it’s because I am trying to look and apply for more jobs, but frankly I’m so plain damned tired of looking for jobs.  I really want to give up, accept unemployment and just go down for the count.  ”No Mas.  No Mas…!”  ”Uncle,  Uncle .. !”

But I have another job interview tomorrow.  And I have only 2 weeks left to land an official offer or I’m unemployed.  And this job interview I have is a bit of a “Hail Mary” attempt because I feel i’ts partly just a way of the person interviewing me just sympathizing with my plight and just being willing to go thru the motions of a job interview and seeing something will happen.  I wonder if I should even bother preparing for this interview.  But frankly I think it doesn’t matter anymore.  What my personal experience has showed me is that you can have the best damned interview you have ever had in your life, poor out your guts in preparation, practically do a song and dance show, be the most qualified person they’ve ever seen, have them show great enthusiasm in hearing about you and have them turn you down feeling like they probably never intended to hire you from the very beginning and find out they rejected all the interviewees and have done so for a long time!  I’ve spent a lot of time and energy applying for jobs that actually don’t exist. So in the end I can get drawn out rejections from hiring managers that realize the job I’ve applied for had long been filled by someone else!  They indirectly blame someone else for not correcting the information, so it’s sort of “oh well, and we’re really quite sorry, hoped it hasn’t inconvenienced you too much, and wish you the best.”

The opening for child to separate from ego occurs upon failure

When you praise in light of a child’s success, achievment, or accomplishment you support the ego part of self esteem.

When you can praise in failure you support self esteem without ego. Pure self esteem is feeling worth just because you exist and most especially when you struggle, flub up, screw up major time. You are seen so beautiful in the process of failure. Your inner beauty shines so brightly in failure, in the genuine fighting, the humility,the threshold of secumbing to the realization of total hopelessness and failure. When this is seen and you are seen and cheered and praised then their is pure self esteem without ego. Because you are loved just because you exist, and even more loved because you failed! You are loved mostly because you are a nobody.

The Law of Attraction does not explain the sucker punch. This is when your energy is riding high from an experience that exceeded your expectations. You are almost euphoric and you get a wakeup call sucker punch that brings you back down.

Last week I was riding on a high when someone called me up about a job as a Program Manager, basically a job where I’d be managing other managers.  I definitely thought this was a bit too much of a stretch for me, so I was surprised to get a phone call from someone interested in me.  They described all the stresses and high expectations from this position and somehow I spoke up and sold myself well enough that the person thought that although this was a stretch for me, my enthusiasm and sales pitch indicate I could pull it off.

A few days later I attended a LOA (Law of Attraction) seminar with lots of emphasis on maintaining positive imagery along with neutral emotions around the outcome.  The overall point was to maintain a net positive “vibration” so as to attract positive outcomes.  Well I was riding on an all time high: very positive and not fearing outcomes, because I fully expected positive outcomes.

So today I had the official interview fully expecting good outcomes.  I was taken off guard when I was met with less than enthusiastic emotions.  In fact I got back lots of skepticism.  And so I was asked to sell myself again, and as I spoke about my proudest moments, I got back silence.  They were not impressed.  In fact all my proudest moments and best accomplishments seemed to turn into negative points because they all seemed to typecast me as a computer programmer and not a manager.  And so the more they asked me to sell myself, I started to fumble and trip up more.  I felt sort of humiliated.  But one saving grace is that they had to cut my interview short due to another work emergency, and so they rescheduled me for a 2nd interview to try again.

So according to LOA

At this time I also tried to call someone else about another job that I did spectacular well in the interviewing process.  I was so sure I would have an offer by today, but every time I called for the status I got only the voice mail and no return phone calls.  It’s like they were intentionally avoiding me.

According to LOA principles I was vibrating positivity big time, and then I had an outcome I was not prepared at all.  I was sucker punched.  It’s the lack of encompassing the truth and purpose of negative energy where the LOA fails.  In fact the LOA focus on positive energy I believe probably will only yield satisfactory effectiveness in your life about 50% of the time.  LOA also completely does not address self Love, which by the way involves an acceptance of negativity as well as positivity.

I had to heal myself.  So I found a quiet sanctuary and I dug down deep to feel my saddest emotions of frustration and fear.  I wanted to see if I could pull out that crying child from within and what came forward was this image of me hugging myself as I was lying down on the floor with my anguished face buried in a pillow.  And I was saying to myself “you are so beautiful in your vulnerability! I saw how you were struggling, desparate and trying so hard to be honest, to honor your fears, to hold it together somewhat. So loveable and endearing you are. I have never seen someone try so hard.  I love you so much Wilson”

I just went thru the a layoff presentation and it was so sobering.  It was just me alone in a conference room listening to a presentation over a computer and conference phone.  A bit like the scenes in the movie “Up in the Air” only I got to choose where to took the pain.

My gut feels weak.  It just felt like a presentation of death.  Significant talk of trying to worry about what happens or what could go wrong after you die. I could almost here my Mom talking to me and thinking death has it’s benefits.  You don’t have to worry about money coverage, you don’t need money, food or medical benefits.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed with the New Orleans trip! This is nuts!  I just need time away for myself!  I should look for an apartment in Wilmington or discuss pet stay with Quality Inn at $800/month.

I’m feeling paralyzed at the moment! I recall all of the talk of importance of taking certain actions at the time you get in you mid to upper 60’s.  All of this is already at 100% of my ability.  I can only imagine that by the time I’m in my 60’s all this stuff will be insurmountable to comprehend, and by that time things will probably be completely different.

I do miss never land! I’m devastated again.

The song “Goodbye Neverland” recorded by Automatic Loveletter rings strongly within me.

Spending time in the Sun with my dog, Muffin has been helpful. When I get to a nice clean grassy field, watch my little white dog saunter amongst some butterflies amongst purple clover flowers and then roll on into the grass with a passion it brings out that smile within.  So good.  I just want to stay still and be and soak in the sun while my dog teaches me to just be.

She found two tennis balls and started bringing them over to me to throw them.  It was fun seeing her have fun.

And then I sat in the grass next to her.  And then I closed my eyes a bit and just soakd in the warm sun.  The sky rather blue.  The air rather crisp.  My heart starting to sing.  So nice.  I just wanted to be stay and be in this moment for as long as possible.

You see this moment is what I call the Source.  I stress I am not trying to pawn off a new religion or belief.  The Source is NOT something new that I want to prostelyze upon you, it’s just a being.  It’s like trying to prostelyze being HAPPY.  Only here I don’t use HAPPY, because the Source seems so much more than the word HAPPY.  It’s more like Wooaaah Man!  Wow. Ahhhhh!.  And when you’re in it you have nothing to say, because nothing you can say describes it, except just this undeniable smile within and maybe the sense that you dare not budge an inch, lest you lose that Zone of being in the Source.

I selected the above photo to show you how the Source feels.  But it’s more than just sunlight. It’s how I see the sunlight not directly, but in the glint of the periphery combined with the warmth.  It’s the glancing in the corner so that at times it diffracts into colors, the actual direct sun being so so bright.

But more than just the sunlight it feels like the sunlight from within the heart.  The aahhh ecstasy and brilliancy of love.  Let me show it for example in the following photo with my wife.

And with another shot many years ago with my dog.

So maybe this time all I can impart is that being in the Sun, lends a lot to being able to making that entrance into the Source.  And once you get a good load of soaking in the Source, you can carry it through the night.  For how long though I don’t know.